I'm A High Roller

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Vol 38 Issue 14

Bush To Sacrifice Own Life For Good Of Nation

WASHINGTON, DC— Displaying the selfless courage that has defined his presidency, President Bush announced Tuesday that he will heroically lay down his life that the rest of the nation may live on. "It is the only way," Bush said. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I must, therefore, die to preserve future generations." Over the vociferous objections of his closest Cabinet members, Bush brushed aside their outstretched arms, repeating, "It is the only way."

Street Performer Dreams Of Performing On Streets Of Paris

ALBUQUERQUE, NM— Dave Bosio, 20, an aspiring singer-songwriter who plays guitar on the streets of Albuquerque, dreams of one day playing for spare change on the streets of Paris. "To play on the Champs-Elysées, that'd be a dream come true," Bosio said Monday. "Or someplace along the Left Bank. That'd be so much better than Copper Avenue." Bosio then launched into an off-key version of Bob Marley's "Redemption Song."

Teen Worried About Friend Who Tried Pot

ARVADA, CO— Steve Vandervelt, 16, an Arvada High School honors student, expressed grave concern Tuesday for friend Todd Wolk, who experimented with marijuana at a party the previous weekend. "They say pot's a 'gateway drug,'" Vandervelt told Wolk. "And even if it doesn't lead to cocaine and more serious stuff, doing pot can still really mess up your brain." Vandervelt offered to speak to Mrs. Logan, the school's health-ed teacher, on Wolk's behalf to get more information about the dangers of marijuana use.

Area Man Has No Idea Where To Get Envelope

NEW BERN, NC— In need of an envelope to mail his March telephone bill, Jordan Phills, 26, reported Monday that he has no idea where to get one. "Is there such thing as an 'envelope store'?" Phills asked. "I honestly have no clue how to go about getting an envelope, except by snagging one off somebody." Phills added that the envelope hunt would not have been necessary had his roommate not spilled coffee all over the pre-addressed envelope enclosed with the monthly bill.

That Guy From That One Show Not Looking So Hot

ERIE, PA— That guy who plays the main guy on that one show isn't looking so hot, sources close to the TV set reported Tuesday. "It looks like he gained, like, 40 pounds or something," said Erie resident Doug Knauss, watching the show. "He looks all puffed out and tired with those bags under his eyes." Knauss noted that the big movie the guy was in a couple years back completely tanked, so that might have done a real number on him.

It Hurts My Feelings When You Leave Before The Credits Are Done

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm sure you don't like being told what to do. But seeing you walk out of the theater the moment the credits start to roll, well, it really hurts my feelings. I may not have been the director or one of the stars of Changing Lanes, but I worked very hard in my capacity as assistant to Mr. Affleck.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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I'm A High Roller

Hola, amigos. All clear on your end? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been kinda hectic around El Casa Anchower lately.

First off, I had my electricity cut for a few days. Now, I ain't no deadbeat, but I've been a little low on cash lately, and when it came time to pay the bills this month, I had to do some tough prioritizing. A man's gotta eat. And drink. And set his mind straight. And if a man's gotta set his mind straight, he may as well do it with some weed, you know what I mean?

It's not like I wasn't gonna pay the damn electric bill. But, apparently, the dicklicks at MG&E didn't see it that way. I had to go down there and bring them the money in cash, plus some extra dough for a "reconnect fee." Man, it must be nice to collect a fat reconnection fee just for flipping a switch.

The big reason I was low on cash was that I had to miss a few days at my coat-check job because I threw out my back while working on my car. One of my fan belts was squeaking real bad, and I decided I should take care of it myself. "Hey," I thought, "am I gonna let some mechanic charge me a ton of money to change one lousy belt when I can do it myself?" Hell, no.

I called up Wes, and we took a look under the hood. It's not like Wes is any good at fixing cars, but he's good at other important things, like starting her up, giving her gas, and getting me another beer. Plus, he cusses like a sailor when the occasion requires it, so he's good to have around for that, since my car usually needs more swears than I got stored up in me.

So I'm under the hood, and Wes is behind the wheel, giving her gas and throwing in a "cocksucker" here and a "piece of shit" there. I was trying to loosen a nut on the fan belt, putting a lot of torque into it, when my back suddenly gave out. I don't know if I pinched a nerve or what. All I know is, I was on the ground and could barely move.

Wes helped carry me inside and brought me my bong. I did a few b-loads to relax, but it wasn't helping. I had to call in sick for about four days, which really cheesed me off. I hate wasting sick days like that. I'd rather use them when there's some sort of concert or county fair I want to go to. Plus, I didn't even get to replace the fan belt.

All in all, I lost about $200 plus tips from not working at the coat check those four days. That, combined with my recent purchase of a four-foot Graffix bong, resulted in the Anchower finances not looking so good. Under my mattress, I had $63 in emergency funds, but that wasn't enough to cover the kind of bills I was facing. My first day back at work, I spent the whole time wondering where I could come up with enough money to make it through the month okay.

Then it hit me. The answer was so obvious. I could take my $63 and invest it at one of the Indian casinos.

I had the next day off, so I hopped in my car, squeaky fan belt and all, and picked up Wes and Ron. After filling the car with gas, we took off to Ho-Chunk Casino, which was up in Baraboo, maybe 70 miles away. That gave us a chance to lay back and enjoy the ride.

When we got there, the joint looked like a strip club, only with more slot machines and no hot naked chicks. Plus, everywhere you went, there was this sound of, like, a thousand different videogames going at once. And weird old people.

Me, Wes, and Ron decided we should split up to increase our chances at being lucky. I eased into it by sitting down at an open slot machine. Turns out, it wasn't open: There was a woman sitting at the one next to it, playing two games at once. She shot me a dirty look, so I shot her one back and moved on. It's a good thing I did, 'cause I scored on the next slot. I spent about eight bucks at a Dutch Diamond Delight machine and wound up winning $50. I figured it must be my night and moved on to my next big score.

That next score, I decided, would be blackjack. I'd never played before, but how hard could it be? You've just got to get close to 21 and beat the dealer. So I took a seat at the $5 minimum table. I did okay for a while, getting up to $25. This was going to be my night. I laid down $10 on a bet and was up $40 before long. That's when the table went cold. Fifteen minutes later, I was down to zero. I went to change in my quarters from the slot machine so I could try a different game.

Now, roulette looked pretty easy. All you had to do was pick the right number. I decided I should play lucky number seven. But then I figured that's exactly what they wanted me to do, so I put down $10 on unlucky number 13. (Now that, my friends, is thinking.) A lady next to me told me I should spread them out so that I'd have a better chance of winning. I told her that if I was gonna hit, I was gonna hit big, so I'd let it ride.

Not even 10 minutes later, I was cleaned out on roulette. I hadn't even been there long enough to get a free drink from the cocktail waitress. I just wanted to get the hell out of there and head home. I had beer back at my house, and it was in bigger glasses than the thimbles they were taking around to everyone at Ho-Chunk.

It took me almost half an hour to find Wes and Ron. Ron was at the bar just watching everyone pass by, and Wes was playing nickel slots. He was up $20 on that, so he didn't really want to leave. When I told Wes I was out of money, he asked me if I'd studied any blackjack charts before coming. I told him I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. He didn't say anything more, which is good, 'cause I would have laid him out on the pavement if he had.

I learned a valuable lesson that day: Blackjack and roulette are for suckers. As we were leaving, I saw on the wall that Ho-Chunk has slot tournaments on Wednesday nights. I should definitely go back for one of those, since that's the one thing I was pretty good at. I'm going to have to wait for a while, though: I got a disconnect notice for my gas bill, so I can't spend any more money at the casino right now. But once I get that paid off and have a little spare change in my pocket, I'm heading straight back to Ho-Chunk to get my $63 back and then some. You can count on that.

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