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I'm Always Up For Some Commitment

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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I'm Always Up For Some Commitment

Every time I see an attractive, single woman walk down the street, I've got just one thing on my mind: cultivating a loving, fulfilling, reciprocal relationship with her over the course of several years. Trust me, I've never met a lady I didn't like at first, get to know better as the weeks passed, build a rapport with, and eventually outright love.

When it comes to women, heck, I'm not picky: I'll settle for the first one who will have me to hold and cherish forever. I'm the kind of guy who will literally walk right up to any random girl, buy her a drink, shower her with compliments, and pretty soon be taking her back home to introduce her to my parents.

I can't help myself—there's just something about women that makes me want to spend the rest of my days with any one of them.

Whenever I see a girl that I want, you can be sure that I'm going to make the first move by giving her my phone number, my work number, my address, a key to my house, joint access to my checking account, and my complete devotion. What can I say—I'm always in the mood for a little undying lovin'.

If you choose to spend the night with me every night for the foreseeable future, I can guarantee that I will do things no man has ever done to you before—things like calling you just to say hi, giving you a present on your half-birthday, or picking up the milk, apples, and paper towels you put on the shopping list on my way home. I will literally do anything to satisfy you for the rest of your life. Anything.

Mothers, lock up your daughters who aren't interested in long-term monogamous relationships! Nate Kissel is on the prowl, and I cannot control my urge for one fiery, romantic lifetime of passion, caring, and tenderness with that special someone. Even if I have to engage in long, deep, intimate conversation with every woman on Earth, I will find someone willing to share my bed, my home, and my life.

And if I'm lucky, she'll even be with a few of her lady friends, whom I can meet, get to know, and impress in the hopes of gaining their acceptance and approval so I can become a bigger part of my chosen woman's life that much more quickly.

Believe me, ladies, when I tell you I've got the biggest heart you'll ever see. You'll be amazed by the size of this warm, throbbing specimen, whether I'm unexpectedly picking you up at the airport, or buying you your favorite chocolate, or asking the neighbors to prune their maple tree, which is growing over our property line.

And, yes, the rumors are true: I can go all night long, all day long, all month, all year—as long as you want, 'til death do us part. Because as soon as I lay eyes upon a woman who's got the total package—honesty, loyalty, and integrity—I just can't stop myself from taking things slowly, laying a foundation of trust and mutual respect, and leading her into the promised land of holy matrimony.

If you come home with me, I will give you the best night of your life at some point during the course of our three-year to three-decade-long courtship. And that is a promise you can count on.

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