I'm Always Up For Some Commitment

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

I'm Always Up For Some Commitment

Every time I see an attractive, single woman walk down the street, I've got just one thing on my mind: cultivating a loving, fulfilling, reciprocal relationship with her over the course of several years. Trust me, I've never met a lady I didn't like at first, get to know better as the weeks passed, build a rapport with, and eventually outright love.

When it comes to women, heck, I'm not picky: I'll settle for the first one who will have me to hold and cherish forever. I'm the kind of guy who will literally walk right up to any random girl, buy her a drink, shower her with compliments, and pretty soon be taking her back home to introduce her to my parents.

I can't help myself—there's just something about women that makes me want to spend the rest of my days with any one of them.

Whenever I see a girl that I want, you can be sure that I'm going to make the first move by giving her my phone number, my work number, my address, a key to my house, joint access to my checking account, and my complete devotion. What can I say—I'm always in the mood for a little undying lovin'.

If you choose to spend the night with me every night for the foreseeable future, I can guarantee that I will do things no man has ever done to you before—things like calling you just to say hi, giving you a present on your half-birthday, or picking up the milk, apples, and paper towels you put on the shopping list on my way home. I will literally do anything to satisfy you for the rest of your life. Anything.

Mothers, lock up your daughters who aren't interested in long-term monogamous relationships! Nate Kissel is on the prowl, and I cannot control my urge for one fiery, romantic lifetime of passion, caring, and tenderness with that special someone. Even if I have to engage in long, deep, intimate conversation with every woman on Earth, I will find someone willing to share my bed, my home, and my life.

And if I'm lucky, she'll even be with a few of her lady friends, whom I can meet, get to know, and impress in the hopes of gaining their acceptance and approval so I can become a bigger part of my chosen woman's life that much more quickly.

Believe me, ladies, when I tell you I've got the biggest heart you'll ever see. You'll be amazed by the size of this warm, throbbing specimen, whether I'm unexpectedly picking you up at the airport, or buying you your favorite chocolate, or asking the neighbors to prune their maple tree, which is growing over our property line.

And, yes, the rumors are true: I can go all night long, all day long, all month, all year—as long as you want, 'til death do us part. Because as soon as I lay eyes upon a woman who's got the total package—honesty, loyalty, and integrity—I just can't stop myself from taking things slowly, laying a foundation of trust and mutual respect, and leading her into the promised land of holy matrimony.

If you come home with me, I will give you the best night of your life at some point during the course of our three-year to three-decade-long courtship. And that is a promise you can count on.