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I'm Always Up For Some Commitment

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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I'm Always Up For Some Commitment

Every time I see an attractive, single woman walk down the street, I've got just one thing on my mind: cultivating a loving, fulfilling, reciprocal relationship with her over the course of several years. Trust me, I've never met a lady I didn't like at first, get to know better as the weeks passed, build a rapport with, and eventually outright love.

When it comes to women, heck, I'm not picky: I'll settle for the first one who will have me to hold and cherish forever. I'm the kind of guy who will literally walk right up to any random girl, buy her a drink, shower her with compliments, and pretty soon be taking her back home to introduce her to my parents.

I can't help myself—there's just something about women that makes me want to spend the rest of my days with any one of them.

Whenever I see a girl that I want, you can be sure that I'm going to make the first move by giving her my phone number, my work number, my address, a key to my house, joint access to my checking account, and my complete devotion. What can I say—I'm always in the mood for a little undying lovin'.

If you choose to spend the night with me every night for the foreseeable future, I can guarantee that I will do things no man has ever done to you before—things like calling you just to say hi, giving you a present on your half-birthday, or picking up the milk, apples, and paper towels you put on the shopping list on my way home. I will literally do anything to satisfy you for the rest of your life. Anything.

Mothers, lock up your daughters who aren't interested in long-term monogamous relationships! Nate Kissel is on the prowl, and I cannot control my urge for one fiery, romantic lifetime of passion, caring, and tenderness with that special someone. Even if I have to engage in long, deep, intimate conversation with every woman on Earth, I will find someone willing to share my bed, my home, and my life.

And if I'm lucky, she'll even be with a few of her lady friends, whom I can meet, get to know, and impress in the hopes of gaining their acceptance and approval so I can become a bigger part of my chosen woman's life that much more quickly.

Believe me, ladies, when I tell you I've got the biggest heart you'll ever see. You'll be amazed by the size of this warm, throbbing specimen, whether I'm unexpectedly picking you up at the airport, or buying you your favorite chocolate, or asking the neighbors to prune their maple tree, which is growing over our property line.

And, yes, the rumors are true: I can go all night long, all day long, all month, all year—as long as you want, 'til death do us part. Because as soon as I lay eyes upon a woman who's got the total package—honesty, loyalty, and integrity—I just can't stop myself from taking things slowly, laying a foundation of trust and mutual respect, and leading her into the promised land of holy matrimony.

If you come home with me, I will give you the best night of your life at some point during the course of our three-year to three-decade-long courtship. And that is a promise you can count on.

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