adBlockCheck

Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
End Of Section
  • More News

I'm An Attractive-People Person

Thank you for considering me for this position. As you can see from my résumé, my extensive work experience in the field makes me a strong candidate for this job. My résumé doesn't, however, convey the many intangibles that I bring to the table. For example, I'm incredibly driven. I'm also excellent in crisis situations, doing my best work under pressure. And, of course, I'm an attractive-people person.

I'm not sure where I got it, but I have a gift for getting on well with attractive people. I've always been able to connect with good-looking people of all types. It doesn't matter what race, color, or creed they are. So long as they're not unpleasant to the eye, chances are good that we'll hit it off.

I like nothing more than to sit in a public park on a Sunday afternoon and attractive-people watch. It's fun to look at beautiful people and try to imagine their lives. I picture them dressing to the nines, dining at the finest restaurants, and then dancing the night away at the hottest clubs with other fabulous people in their appearance bracket. Sometimes, I'm even blessed to see a budding romance between a ravishing couple. Nothing brings a smile to my face like the sight of two attractive people falling in love.

I've always liked attractive people, even at an early age. When I was 3, my only playmate was the homely kid next door. I thought I liked him, but once I began attending Rosewood Day Care, I saw other kids my age who were adorable like me. After that, my neighbor and I drifted apart. In the years since, I've met lots of attractive people, and I've liked them all. That's the amazing thing about attractive people. They're all different, yet deep down, they all share one essential, fundamental quality: great looks.

The ability to connect with attractive people is certainly a valuable skill in the business world. Sometimes, I walk into a conference room and meet a stunning client, and before I even speak to him or her, I think, "I like that beautiful person already." Maybe it's the way they carry themselves. There's something about a woman's smooth olive skin or a man's broad, muscular shoulders that says, "I deserve–nay, demand–your attention and respect." Those are the kinds of people I want to be in business with. They sense this and, in turn, want to be in business with me.

So that's it. That's my pitch. If you hire me, you'll find that I have a way with beautiful people in just about any imaginable workplace situation. Whether we're brainstorming a major proposal or racing to meet deadline on a project, there's no high cheekbone or pouty set of lips that I'm not capable of working well with.

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close