adBlockCheck

I'm An Attractive-People Person

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I'm An Attractive-People Person

Thank you for considering me for this position. As you can see from my résumé, my extensive work experience in the field makes me a strong candidate for this job. My résumé doesn't, however, convey the many intangibles that I bring to the table. For example, I'm incredibly driven. I'm also excellent in crisis situations, doing my best work under pressure. And, of course, I'm an attractive-people person.

I'm not sure where I got it, but I have a gift for getting on well with attractive people. I've always been able to connect with good-looking people of all types. It doesn't matter what race, color, or creed they are. So long as they're not unpleasant to the eye, chances are good that we'll hit it off.

I like nothing more than to sit in a public park on a Sunday afternoon and attractive-people watch. It's fun to look at beautiful people and try to imagine their lives. I picture them dressing to the nines, dining at the finest restaurants, and then dancing the night away at the hottest clubs with other fabulous people in their appearance bracket. Sometimes, I'm even blessed to see a budding romance between a ravishing couple. Nothing brings a smile to my face like the sight of two attractive people falling in love.

I've always liked attractive people, even at an early age. When I was 3, my only playmate was the homely kid next door. I thought I liked him, but once I began attending Rosewood Day Care, I saw other kids my age who were adorable like me. After that, my neighbor and I drifted apart. In the years since, I've met lots of attractive people, and I've liked them all. That's the amazing thing about attractive people. They're all different, yet deep down, they all share one essential, fundamental quality: great looks.

The ability to connect with attractive people is certainly a valuable skill in the business world. Sometimes, I walk into a conference room and meet a stunning client, and before I even speak to him or her, I think, "I like that beautiful person already." Maybe it's the way they carry themselves. There's something about a woman's smooth olive skin or a man's broad, muscular shoulders that says, "I deserve–nay, demand–your attention and respect." Those are the kinds of people I want to be in business with. They sense this and, in turn, want to be in business with me.

So that's it. That's my pitch. If you hire me, you'll find that I have a way with beautiful people in just about any imaginable workplace situation. Whether we're brainstorming a major proposal or racing to meet deadline on a project, there's no high cheekbone or pouty set of lips that I'm not capable of working well with.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close