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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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I'm An Attractive-People Person

Thank you for considering me for this position. As you can see from my résumé, my extensive work experience in the field makes me a strong candidate for this job. My résumé doesn't, however, convey the many intangibles that I bring to the table. For example, I'm incredibly driven. I'm also excellent in crisis situations, doing my best work under pressure. And, of course, I'm an attractive-people person.

I'm not sure where I got it, but I have a gift for getting on well with attractive people. I've always been able to connect with good-looking people of all types. It doesn't matter what race, color, or creed they are. So long as they're not unpleasant to the eye, chances are good that we'll hit it off.

I like nothing more than to sit in a public park on a Sunday afternoon and attractive-people watch. It's fun to look at beautiful people and try to imagine their lives. I picture them dressing to the nines, dining at the finest restaurants, and then dancing the night away at the hottest clubs with other fabulous people in their appearance bracket. Sometimes, I'm even blessed to see a budding romance between a ravishing couple. Nothing brings a smile to my face like the sight of two attractive people falling in love.

I've always liked attractive people, even at an early age. When I was 3, my only playmate was the homely kid next door. I thought I liked him, but once I began attending Rosewood Day Care, I saw other kids my age who were adorable like me. After that, my neighbor and I drifted apart. In the years since, I've met lots of attractive people, and I've liked them all. That's the amazing thing about attractive people. They're all different, yet deep down, they all share one essential, fundamental quality: great looks.

The ability to connect with attractive people is certainly a valuable skill in the business world. Sometimes, I walk into a conference room and meet a stunning client, and before I even speak to him or her, I think, "I like that beautiful person already." Maybe it's the way they carry themselves. There's something about a woman's smooth olive skin or a man's broad, muscular shoulders that says, "I deserve–nay, demand–your attention and respect." Those are the kinds of people I want to be in business with. They sense this and, in turn, want to be in business with me.

So that's it. That's my pitch. If you hire me, you'll find that I have a way with beautiful people in just about any imaginable workplace situation. Whether we're brainstorming a major proposal or racing to meet deadline on a project, there's no high cheekbone or pouty set of lips that I'm not capable of working well with.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

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