I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex

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Vol 38 Issue 01

Manufacturer Manufactures Love To Wife

WILMINGTON, DE—In an efficient and deeply meaningful act of sexual expression, eraser manufacturer Ted Wyczinski manufactured sweet love to his wife Monday after a romantic dinner at the Route 14 Red Lobster. "Nice work, honey," Wyczinski complimented his wife following the 20-minute coupling. "I thought that came out great."

WHO Pushes For More 'Ouchless' Adhesive Funding

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid mounting evidence of White House ties to Enron, President Bush attempted to distance himself from yet another failing Texas energy company Monday. "I have had no business dealings with this particular company," Bush said. "Why would anyone associate me with a Houston-based energy giant that's mismanaged itself into the ground?" Bush added that his oil company was already almost bankrupt when he took it over, and that it was not his decision to trade away Sammy Sosa.

The Thinkable Happens To Local Man

OLATHE, KS—The thinkable happened to area resident Bruce Conroy, 44, Monday, when the newspaper he was carrying fell out of his hand. "I can believe what I just saw," one witness told reporters. "In all my years, I can honestly say I've seen many things like that." An unshaken Conroy told reporters after the incident: "Who wouldn't have thought that this, or something very much like it, could happen?"

Bush Attempts To Distance Self From Yet Another Failed Business

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid mounting evidence of White House ties to Enron, President Bush attempted to distance himself from yet another failing Texas energy company Monday. "I have had no business dealings with this particular company," Bush said. "Why would anyone associate me with a Houston-based energy giant that's mismanaged itself into the ground?" Bush added that his oil company was already almost bankrupt when he took it over, and that it was not his decision to trade away Sammy Sosa.

China's Nuclear Buildup

According to a new CIA report, China is expected to have as many as 100 long-range nuclear missiles aimed at the U.S. by 2015. What do you think?
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I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex

When it comes to scoring with the ladies, I'm no slouch. In the past two weeks alone, there's been Nikki the legal secretary, Stephanie the cocktail waitress, and, of course, Alicia the flight attendant (she really put the "lay" in layover). But while these rolls in the hay were fun while they lasted, each ultimately left me with a vague, empty feeling inside. It's been that way with all my one-night stands. I'm not 100 percent positive, but I think it's because none of them have been redheads.

Once I have sex with a redhead, it'll all come together. Redheads are definitely the way to go. I just know that a redhead wouldn't ultimately bore me like the other women I sleep with. That's because they have a fiery temperament. I love that sense of danger, not knowing whether the woman is going to smash a vase in a fit of wild anger or tear my clothes off in a fit of animal lust. That fire and passion will hold my interest over the long haul, no question.

I thought having sex with a blonde would be like that. Sex with a blonde, I figured, would be so great, it would leave me feeling happy and whole. Well, "they" don't know what the hell they're talking about, because anytime I've ever taken some random blonde chick back to my condo to bump uglies, it's been awkward and anti-climactic. And even in the rare instances where the sex has been good, the feeling of elation always starts to fade shortly after the blonde gathers her clothes from your floor and leaves you a fake name and phone number.

The brunettes I've dated haven't measured up, either. For one thing, there are always communication problems with them. Dark-haired women never seem to understand that I express my deepest feelings and desires with smoldering glances across the bar or bowling alley. They never comprehend the volumes I say with simple finger and tongue gestures.

Redheads, on the other hand, are naturally intuitive. They know what you're thinking and know how to respond in kind. Like a cat, a redhead would know all that I craved, and she would surprise me with things I didn't even know I wanted. That's all I've been looking for during my years of bed-hopping, and I'm sure I'll find it with a redhead.

Now, I know what you're wondering. What if I connect with a redhead, only to discover that the carpet doesn't match the curtains, if you catch my drift? While, admittedly, I am very aroused by the thought of seeing a fiery crimson patch contrasted against a pale stomach, what truly counts is what's going on upstairs. And if a woman's mind is topped with a lustrous mane of glorious red hair, it doesn't really matter if it was God who made it that way or Clairol.

Yes, sex with a redhead would be my holy grail. Ever since my recent realization of this, I've made it my goal to seek out a redhead so we could have wild sex and fall in love, then spend the rest of our lives having satisfying, fulfilling sex together. A redhead would make the sex act as exciting as it's been purported to be since I was 10.

And if my search for a redheaded soulmate doesn't pan out, I hear Korean women are complete freaks in bed.

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