adBlockCheck

Recent News

The Pros And Cons Of Gene Editing

Recent advancements in gene editing have introduced a number of exciting possibilities for human advancement and raised difficult ethical questions. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of gene editing.

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
End Of Section
  • More News

I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex

When it comes to scoring with the ladies, I'm no slouch. In the past two weeks alone, there's been Nikki the legal secretary, Stephanie the cocktail waitress, and, of course, Alicia the flight attendant (she really put the "lay" in layover). But while these rolls in the hay were fun while they lasted, each ultimately left me with a vague, empty feeling inside. It's been that way with all my one-night stands. I'm not 100 percent positive, but I think it's because none of them have been redheads.

Once I have sex with a redhead, it'll all come together. Redheads are definitely the way to go. I just know that a redhead wouldn't ultimately bore me like the other women I sleep with. That's because they have a fiery temperament. I love that sense of danger, not knowing whether the woman is going to smash a vase in a fit of wild anger or tear my clothes off in a fit of animal lust. That fire and passion will hold my interest over the long haul, no question.

I thought having sex with a blonde would be like that. Sex with a blonde, I figured, would be so great, it would leave me feeling happy and whole. Well, "they" don't know what the hell they're talking about, because anytime I've ever taken some random blonde chick back to my condo to bump uglies, it's been awkward and anti-climactic. And even in the rare instances where the sex has been good, the feeling of elation always starts to fade shortly after the blonde gathers her clothes from your floor and leaves you a fake name and phone number.

The brunettes I've dated haven't measured up, either. For one thing, there are always communication problems with them. Dark-haired women never seem to understand that I express my deepest feelings and desires with smoldering glances across the bar or bowling alley. They never comprehend the volumes I say with simple finger and tongue gestures.

Redheads, on the other hand, are naturally intuitive. They know what you're thinking and know how to respond in kind. Like a cat, a redhead would know all that I craved, and she would surprise me with things I didn't even know I wanted. That's all I've been looking for during my years of bed-hopping, and I'm sure I'll find it with a redhead.

Now, I know what you're wondering. What if I connect with a redhead, only to discover that the carpet doesn't match the curtains, if you catch my drift? While, admittedly, I am very aroused by the thought of seeing a fiery crimson patch contrasted against a pale stomach, what truly counts is what's going on upstairs. And if a woman's mind is topped with a lustrous mane of glorious red hair, it doesn't really matter if it was God who made it that way or Clairol.

Yes, sex with a redhead would be my holy grail. Ever since my recent realization of this, I've made it my goal to seek out a redhead so we could have wild sex and fall in love, then spend the rest of our lives having satisfying, fulfilling sex together. A redhead would make the sex act as exciting as it's been purported to be since I was 10.

And if my search for a redheaded soulmate doesn't pan out, I hear Korean women are complete freaks in bed.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close