adBlockCheck

I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex

When it comes to scoring with the ladies, I'm no slouch. In the past two weeks alone, there's been Nikki the legal secretary, Stephanie the cocktail waitress, and, of course, Alicia the flight attendant (she really put the "lay" in layover). But while these rolls in the hay were fun while they lasted, each ultimately left me with a vague, empty feeling inside. It's been that way with all my one-night stands. I'm not 100 percent positive, but I think it's because none of them have been redheads.

Once I have sex with a redhead, it'll all come together. Redheads are definitely the way to go. I just know that a redhead wouldn't ultimately bore me like the other women I sleep with. That's because they have a fiery temperament. I love that sense of danger, not knowing whether the woman is going to smash a vase in a fit of wild anger or tear my clothes off in a fit of animal lust. That fire and passion will hold my interest over the long haul, no question.

I thought having sex with a blonde would be like that. Sex with a blonde, I figured, would be so great, it would leave me feeling happy and whole. Well, "they" don't know what the hell they're talking about, because anytime I've ever taken some random blonde chick back to my condo to bump uglies, it's been awkward and anti-climactic. And even in the rare instances where the sex has been good, the feeling of elation always starts to fade shortly after the blonde gathers her clothes from your floor and leaves you a fake name and phone number.

The brunettes I've dated haven't measured up, either. For one thing, there are always communication problems with them. Dark-haired women never seem to understand that I express my deepest feelings and desires with smoldering glances across the bar or bowling alley. They never comprehend the volumes I say with simple finger and tongue gestures.

Redheads, on the other hand, are naturally intuitive. They know what you're thinking and know how to respond in kind. Like a cat, a redhead would know all that I craved, and she would surprise me with things I didn't even know I wanted. That's all I've been looking for during my years of bed-hopping, and I'm sure I'll find it with a redhead.

Now, I know what you're wondering. What if I connect with a redhead, only to discover that the carpet doesn't match the curtains, if you catch my drift? While, admittedly, I am very aroused by the thought of seeing a fiery crimson patch contrasted against a pale stomach, what truly counts is what's going on upstairs. And if a woman's mind is topped with a lustrous mane of glorious red hair, it doesn't really matter if it was God who made it that way or Clairol.

Yes, sex with a redhead would be my holy grail. Ever since my recent realization of this, I've made it my goal to seek out a redhead so we could have wild sex and fall in love, then spend the rest of our lives having satisfying, fulfilling sex together. A redhead would make the sex act as exciting as it's been purported to be since I was 10.

And if my search for a redheaded soulmate doesn't pan out, I hear Korean women are complete freaks in bed.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close