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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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I'm Choking On A Kalamata Olive, Not Your Everyday Olive

Oh, my. This is superb. Superb, indeed. My Greek grocer Kostas told me he had a surprise for me, and he certainly did: These are quite simply the finest kalamata olives I've ever tasted. Absolutely delightful. Certainly not your ordinary olive. It's a privilege, really, just to be choking on one, as I am right now.

Ahh... yes. No need to panic just yet. My trachea is savoring the tang, the richness. This was hand-picked, I can tell. Yes, I can sense that its skin wasn't broken by a rough fall from a tree. I'm very sensitive to qualities like that. What a pity it would be if someone were present to end this culinary epiphany by unblocking my windpipe. Few outside of Greece experience an olive-choking this rapturous.

Mmm... Do I detect a splash of red-wine vinegar? Excellent, excellent. A shame to squeeze them into jars of acrid brine. Best to store these singular creatures in a gently seasoned marinade. And why muddle them in a tapenade, really? Enjoy them unadulterated and unpitted, I say. Relish their simple, onyx-like beauty. One of Olympus' greatest gifts to mortals, the kalamata olive. Be aware of the risks of enjoying them whole, however! My goodness, it's lodged in there quite tightly.

Ahh. Mmm, yes. Unmistakably from the Kalamata region of Greece. The pick of his cousin's grove, Kostas informed me, bless his heart. The crop seems unaffected by the spring windstorms of '04. Succulent. Powerful, but not overpowering. Perhaps the squalls blowing in from the Ionian Sea lightly salted the olive grove and its chalky soil! I kid, of course. By now, I'm sure you're all very anxious about my present condition. I shall alert the paramedics in short order, I assure you. Let me just savor these flavors a moment longer.

Delectable? Ravishing? Understatements. Adjectives do not do this olive justice. Yes, leave your everyday olives to the sticky, flyspecked countertops of open-air bars. Well, this is an all-new culinary experience. I am literally dying!

Absurd to think that for so many years I knew only those wan, vacuum-packed specimens of the pimento-stuffed canapés and dutifully garnished martinis of my own mother's patio parties—such farcical affairs. Jackie O and Lilly Pulitzer never did show up, sadly, but we were always left with enough tins of Underwood deviled ham to supply a score of sack lunches. Reality has such a way of being so tiresomely opprobrious. Ah well. Poor mother, she tried her best. No matter, I suppose.

This presents quite a wrinkle. I've dialed 911, but as I attempt to speak, no sound issues forth. Bah! Indulge your cravings for gauche heroics elsewhere, I beseech you. "Acclaimed Food Writer Saved By Fast-Thinking Lout" will not appear in tomorrow's papers.

My goodness. Having just caught a glimpse of myself in the alcove mirror, I realize that a degree of alarm is in order. I am turning blue. It's my own fault, you know, scarfing these delicious olives down like Allsorts. But I still firmly maintain, even as all grows shrouded and dim, that a kalamata olive is best savored whole, solid, and quick. Sweet Athena, this may be the end. But what a glorious way to go!

Martin Ithell's food column appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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