I'm Fryin' My Nuts Off!

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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I'm Fryin' My Nuts Off!

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been getting plenty hairy around here. First, I been running like a chicken with its head cut off trying to find some new tires for my Festiva. I know, a tire is a tire, but these are some weird-ass size that no one makes anymore. I caught a flat on one and I've been driving on my spare for about a month now. It don't worry me none, but if I get another flat, I'm screwed.

On top of that, I had my hours cut at the electronics store. My manager told me it was because of the economic downturn that people weren't buying anything. I told him that without a full-time check, I wasn't going to be buying anything either, so how did this help? That stumped him but good.

In order to live the lifestyle I'm accustomed to, I had to find me another part-time job. I went around to the pizza joints, because they always need delivery guys, but they were all hung up on having proof of insurance. I told them I had insurance, but I was just a couple months late on payments, but they weren't hearing it. Man, when did everyone start getting so tight-assed?

The thing that's really been chafing me is how hot it is. They say it ain't the heat, it's the humidity, but I really don't give a shit which it is. Either way, after being outside a while, my undies are stuck to my ass, and I got pit stains that meet at my chest. Last year, I pulled an air conditioner off my neighbor's curb and put that in my window. It did the trick. Wound up costing me a boatload when I got my electrical bill, but it was worth it. This year, it wouldn't turn on, so I dragged it back over to my neighbor's.

During the day, it wasn't so bad, because I was at work and they keep the electronics store a chilly 72 degrees. At quittin' time, I would go to the discount movie theater. But after seeing the cartoon where the chimps go to space for the fourth time, I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't just the movie, but all the families with kids in there were looking at me like I had a turd growing on my head.

Really, I don't mind it being hot when I'm just sitting in my apartment chilling out and watching some TV, but it's a real bitch to get to sleep. I've tried everything. I put some cardboard down so I could sleep on my floor, but it smelled like moldy pizza crust and socks. I got an old box fan from Ron and plugged that in, but it rattled all night and barely cooled me down. Then I tried sleeping with a six-pack of ice-cold Miller Genuine Draft in my bed, but I wound up drinking it all. I guess that sort of worked anyway.

Finally, after my fourth night of not sleeping, I came up with a plan. I figured that since they had to keep the store cool even at night, I should just sleep in there. Why not? I could just kick back in a video game chair and finally get some decent shut-eye.

The only thing was, I had to find some way to stay in the store until after they locked up. I was only supposed to work until 6:00, and since I usually leave around 5:30, it would look weird for me to be hanging around for an extra four and a half hours until they closed. I asked all around to see if I could pick up someone else's shift, you know, kill two birds with one stone and make a little extra money. I almost had this guy Wayne on the hook, but he was taking off the next weekend and he needed all the hours he could get. What a dick.

Since I wasn't going to be able to hide in plain sight, I figured that I should do the next best thing and hide out of sight. Now, if I knew I was gonna have to lay low until everyone left, I would've cased out a place to park comfortably for a couple of hours. Since I didn't, I had to do like my man Vin Diesel and improvise.

I went about my business like I was leaving, and clocked out and headed to the door. At the last minute, I pretended like I was interested in looking at the computer display. In order to throw people off my trail, I told one of my coworkers that it looked like some kid was going to steal video games. He went off to tell security, and once the coast was clear, I ducked back by the TVs. Sure enough, there was plenty of room on the shelves behind the display models. I climbed up there and got myself situated.

It didn't look comfortable, but I was wiped. As soon as I was sure I was out of sight, I dozed off.

When I came to, everything was dark. Perfect. It worked just like I had planned. I just had to go down, find the video game chair, and finish the night. That's when I realized that my leg was asleep. Not just asleep, but pretty much dead. It must have been from lying on that tangle of cords. I tried to wiggle my toes, but it didn't seem to be working. All of a sudden, my leg spasmed, and I kicked one of the TVs off the shelf.

My first thought was that I could just pick it up in the morning, before anyone got there, and I could catch some more Z's in the meantime. That's when the alarm went off. I looked all around for another hiding spot, but there wasn't one I could get to with my leg all dead. Plus, I wasn't going to be able to sleep with that alarm going off. I hightailed it to the emergency exit, which set off another alarm. I wasn't about to try and make it to my car, because I could hear the cops coming, so I had to limp away as fast as I could to the parking lot of the mall across the way, where I could wait it out until the coast was clear.

I mostly got away with it, but the next Monday, my coworker Wayne told me that he knew that I was the guy who set off the alarm, since my car was still in the parking lot when he left that night. So now, to keep him quiet, I got to pick up a shift for him some time, only I got to punch in on his card so he still gets the money.

One of these days, I'm gonna put the hurt on that guy, but it's going to be served cold. If any of you got a lead on a job, that would be awesome. I can't live on mac and cheese much longer. Well, I could, but I'm getting real sick of it.

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