I'm Fryin' My Nuts Off!

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45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.
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I'm Fryin' My Nuts Off!

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been getting plenty hairy around here. First, I been running like a chicken with its head cut off trying to find some new tires for my Festiva. I know, a tire is a tire, but these are some weird-ass size that no one makes anymore. I caught a flat on one and I've been driving on my spare for about a month now. It don't worry me none, but if I get another flat, I'm screwed.

On top of that, I had my hours cut at the electronics store. My manager told me it was because of the economic downturn that people weren't buying anything. I told him that without a full-time check, I wasn't going to be buying anything either, so how did this help? That stumped him but good.

In order to live the lifestyle I'm accustomed to, I had to find me another part-time job. I went around to the pizza joints, because they always need delivery guys, but they were all hung up on having proof of insurance. I told them I had insurance, but I was just a couple months late on payments, but they weren't hearing it. Man, when did everyone start getting so tight-assed?

The thing that's really been chafing me is how hot it is. They say it ain't the heat, it's the humidity, but I really don't give a shit which it is. Either way, after being outside a while, my undies are stuck to my ass, and I got pit stains that meet at my chest. Last year, I pulled an air conditioner off my neighbor's curb and put that in my window. It did the trick. Wound up costing me a boatload when I got my electrical bill, but it was worth it. This year, it wouldn't turn on, so I dragged it back over to my neighbor's.

During the day, it wasn't so bad, because I was at work and they keep the electronics store a chilly 72 degrees. At quittin' time, I would go to the discount movie theater. But after seeing the cartoon where the chimps go to space for the fourth time, I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't just the movie, but all the families with kids in there were looking at me like I had a turd growing on my head.

Really, I don't mind it being hot when I'm just sitting in my apartment chilling out and watching some TV, but it's a real bitch to get to sleep. I've tried everything. I put some cardboard down so I could sleep on my floor, but it smelled like moldy pizza crust and socks. I got an old box fan from Ron and plugged that in, but it rattled all night and barely cooled me down. Then I tried sleeping with a six-pack of ice-cold Miller Genuine Draft in my bed, but I wound up drinking it all. I guess that sort of worked anyway.

Finally, after my fourth night of not sleeping, I came up with a plan. I figured that since they had to keep the store cool even at night, I should just sleep in there. Why not? I could just kick back in a video game chair and finally get some decent shut-eye.

The only thing was, I had to find some way to stay in the store until after they locked up. I was only supposed to work until 6:00, and since I usually leave around 5:30, it would look weird for me to be hanging around for an extra four and a half hours until they closed. I asked all around to see if I could pick up someone else's shift, you know, kill two birds with one stone and make a little extra money. I almost had this guy Wayne on the hook, but he was taking off the next weekend and he needed all the hours he could get. What a dick.

Since I wasn't going to be able to hide in plain sight, I figured that I should do the next best thing and hide out of sight. Now, if I knew I was gonna have to lay low until everyone left, I would've cased out a place to park comfortably for a couple of hours. Since I didn't, I had to do like my man Vin Diesel and improvise.

I went about my business like I was leaving, and clocked out and headed to the door. At the last minute, I pretended like I was interested in looking at the computer display. In order to throw people off my trail, I told one of my coworkers that it looked like some kid was going to steal video games. He went off to tell security, and once the coast was clear, I ducked back by the TVs. Sure enough, there was plenty of room on the shelves behind the display models. I climbed up there and got myself situated.

It didn't look comfortable, but I was wiped. As soon as I was sure I was out of sight, I dozed off.

When I came to, everything was dark. Perfect. It worked just like I had planned. I just had to go down, find the video game chair, and finish the night. That's when I realized that my leg was asleep. Not just asleep, but pretty much dead. It must have been from lying on that tangle of cords. I tried to wiggle my toes, but it didn't seem to be working. All of a sudden, my leg spasmed, and I kicked one of the TVs off the shelf.

My first thought was that I could just pick it up in the morning, before anyone got there, and I could catch some more Z's in the meantime. That's when the alarm went off. I looked all around for another hiding spot, but there wasn't one I could get to with my leg all dead. Plus, I wasn't going to be able to sleep with that alarm going off. I hightailed it to the emergency exit, which set off another alarm. I wasn't about to try and make it to my car, because I could hear the cops coming, so I had to limp away as fast as I could to the parking lot of the mall across the way, where I could wait it out until the coast was clear.

I mostly got away with it, but the next Monday, my coworker Wayne told me that he knew that I was the guy who set off the alarm, since my car was still in the parking lot when he left that night. So now, to keep him quiet, I got to pick up a shift for him some time, only I got to punch in on his card so he still gets the money.

One of these days, I'm gonna put the hurt on that guy, but it's going to be served cold. If any of you got a lead on a job, that would be awesome. I can't live on mac and cheese much longer. Well, I could, but I'm getting real sick of it.