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High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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I'm Fryin' My Nuts Off!

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been getting plenty hairy around here. First, I been running like a chicken with its head cut off trying to find some new tires for my Festiva. I know, a tire is a tire, but these are some weird-ass size that no one makes anymore. I caught a flat on one and I've been driving on my spare for about a month now. It don't worry me none, but if I get another flat, I'm screwed.

On top of that, I had my hours cut at the electronics store. My manager told me it was because of the economic downturn that people weren't buying anything. I told him that without a full-time check, I wasn't going to be buying anything either, so how did this help? That stumped him but good.

In order to live the lifestyle I'm accustomed to, I had to find me another part-time job. I went around to the pizza joints, because they always need delivery guys, but they were all hung up on having proof of insurance. I told them I had insurance, but I was just a couple months late on payments, but they weren't hearing it. Man, when did everyone start getting so tight-assed?

The thing that's really been chafing me is how hot it is. They say it ain't the heat, it's the humidity, but I really don't give a shit which it is. Either way, after being outside a while, my undies are stuck to my ass, and I got pit stains that meet at my chest. Last year, I pulled an air conditioner off my neighbor's curb and put that in my window. It did the trick. Wound up costing me a boatload when I got my electrical bill, but it was worth it. This year, it wouldn't turn on, so I dragged it back over to my neighbor's.

During the day, it wasn't so bad, because I was at work and they keep the electronics store a chilly 72 degrees. At quittin' time, I would go to the discount movie theater. But after seeing the cartoon where the chimps go to space for the fourth time, I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't just the movie, but all the families with kids in there were looking at me like I had a turd growing on my head.

Really, I don't mind it being hot when I'm just sitting in my apartment chilling out and watching some TV, but it's a real bitch to get to sleep. I've tried everything. I put some cardboard down so I could sleep on my floor, but it smelled like moldy pizza crust and socks. I got an old box fan from Ron and plugged that in, but it rattled all night and barely cooled me down. Then I tried sleeping with a six-pack of ice-cold Miller Genuine Draft in my bed, but I wound up drinking it all. I guess that sort of worked anyway.

Finally, after my fourth night of not sleeping, I came up with a plan. I figured that since they had to keep the store cool even at night, I should just sleep in there. Why not? I could just kick back in a video game chair and finally get some decent shut-eye.

The only thing was, I had to find some way to stay in the store until after they locked up. I was only supposed to work until 6:00, and since I usually leave around 5:30, it would look weird for me to be hanging around for an extra four and a half hours until they closed. I asked all around to see if I could pick up someone else's shift, you know, kill two birds with one stone and make a little extra money. I almost had this guy Wayne on the hook, but he was taking off the next weekend and he needed all the hours he could get. What a dick.

Since I wasn't going to be able to hide in plain sight, I figured that I should do the next best thing and hide out of sight. Now, if I knew I was gonna have to lay low until everyone left, I would've cased out a place to park comfortably for a couple of hours. Since I didn't, I had to do like my man Vin Diesel and improvise.

I went about my business like I was leaving, and clocked out and headed to the door. At the last minute, I pretended like I was interested in looking at the computer display. In order to throw people off my trail, I told one of my coworkers that it looked like some kid was going to steal video games. He went off to tell security, and once the coast was clear, I ducked back by the TVs. Sure enough, there was plenty of room on the shelves behind the display models. I climbed up there and got myself situated.

It didn't look comfortable, but I was wiped. As soon as I was sure I was out of sight, I dozed off.

When I came to, everything was dark. Perfect. It worked just like I had planned. I just had to go down, find the video game chair, and finish the night. That's when I realized that my leg was asleep. Not just asleep, but pretty much dead. It must have been from lying on that tangle of cords. I tried to wiggle my toes, but it didn't seem to be working. All of a sudden, my leg spasmed, and I kicked one of the TVs off the shelf.

My first thought was that I could just pick it up in the morning, before anyone got there, and I could catch some more Z's in the meantime. That's when the alarm went off. I looked all around for another hiding spot, but there wasn't one I could get to with my leg all dead. Plus, I wasn't going to be able to sleep with that alarm going off. I hightailed it to the emergency exit, which set off another alarm. I wasn't about to try and make it to my car, because I could hear the cops coming, so I had to limp away as fast as I could to the parking lot of the mall across the way, where I could wait it out until the coast was clear.

I mostly got away with it, but the next Monday, my coworker Wayne told me that he knew that I was the guy who set off the alarm, since my car was still in the parking lot when he left that night. So now, to keep him quiet, I got to pick up a shift for him some time, only I got to punch in on his card so he still gets the money.

One of these days, I'm gonna put the hurt on that guy, but it's going to be served cold. If any of you got a lead on a job, that would be awesome. I can't live on mac and cheese much longer. Well, I could, but I'm getting real sick of it.

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