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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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I’m Getting Bitten By The Oscar Bug…AGAIN!

For some people, March Madness begins in March, and it’s tied to college basketball, but not me! I start to go mad beginning in December, and it all wraps up right at the beginning of March, or the end of February lately. Of course I'm talking about the glitz, the glamour, the Oscars!

And what a season it is this year. Billy "The Best" Crystal is back to show all those John Stewarts and Steve Martins how it's done. As far as the films themselves go, there have been so many unexpected surprises, twists, and turns this season that you would need an expert to figure it out. Fortunately, that's where your Humble Hollywood Helper Jackie Harvey comes in.

I tried to be fair and see all the movies, as I do every year, but with a schedule like mine, it's not always easy. While I love the book The Giving Tree, I was scared away from the Terrence Malbec movie version after hearing from a lot of people that it was very long.

Also, I went to see The Artist, but it was hard for me to see what all the fuss was about. To be fair to the filmmakers, the sound was all messed up at the screening I went to and I couldn't hear any of the dialogue. It's a good thing the leading man was French, so there were subtitles. I mean, not like you needed them. From start to finish, lead Damien Beecher overacted so much that everything was telegraphed. Hey, Damien, it's the Oscars, not the Hammys!

But enough about what I haven't seen, or haven't seen well. Let's get this Oscar party started right!

Breathe easy, I'll get rid of the elephant in the room right now. For best picture, the obvious choice is Help! Hollywood and I both love a good story about black people and white people helping each other, and Help delivered in spades! Emma Stone delivers a powerhouse performance, Olivia Spencer, who is black, gives a knock-out performance, and the movie has a very powerful message: Don't be racist, and women can make a difference.

It gets a little trickier from there. Smart money would put the little statue for Best Actor in George Clooney's oh-so-capable hands for his part in The Descent, since he's only won once, and that was for supporting actor for Syria. Not so fast though, because Jackie Harvey's never been one to take the smart money. My gut tells me that 2012 is the year of Gary Oldman, in part because British actors always have the edge, but also because he was robbed in his turn as Doctor Smith in the sadly overlooked Lost In Space movie.

I bet you're "close" to figuring out who is going to win for Best Actress in A Leading Role. Keep thinking about it. Getting any "close-r?" Well, if you picked Glenn Close, then you're right on the money! With two wins under her belt for Sophie's Choice and Kramer Vs. Kramer, Glenn Close is no stranger to the ceremonies, and her turn as Queen Elizabeth in That Iron Lady was nothing short of amazing.

Since Pixar didn't release a movie this year, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Rango is the best bet for Best Animated Feature. Or maybe Panda Boy 2. Yeah, forget Rango. Pandas are very popular at the moment, what with the looming ecological disaster threatening to make them all extinct. Lizards don't have quite the same cachet since they can live pretty much anywhere, I'm fairly sure. I don't know all the science, really, but put your chips on Panda Boy 2.

Now for the Jackie Harvey 2012 Academy Awards Picks For Films That Were Released In 2011 Lightning Round! For Best Actress In A Supporting Role, hands down, Melissa McCartney, because she was so brave. Best Actor In A Supporting Role, Seth Rogen's son Jonah for holding his own against Brad Pitt. And finally, the Academy Award for Best Editing goes to Thelma Schoonmaker, because I could actually follow what was going on in that crazy movie Hugo. Talk about avant-garde!

I'd share more of my picks, but I can't give away ALL of my secrets. For all I know, you might be betting against me! Just kidding. ;-P

Well, time to wrap things up! I have to go check out a hot lead that Cher has a daughter that had gender reassignment surgery. Come back for that, because you're not gonna want to miss it. Until then, I'll see you…on the outside!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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