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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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I'm Getting Pretty Good At Masturbating

If you don't mind, I'd like to bring up a sensitive subject. Some people call it jacking off, or jerking off, or a lot of other things, but I just call it masturbating. And while there's always room for improvement, I have to say that I'm pretty good at it.

I remember the first time I felt a stirring in my privates. I was about 11, and I was eating popcorn and watching Twin Peaks. Sherilyn Fenn came on the screen and something clicked. The next thing I knew, I couldn't keep my hands away from down there. I didn't even know the word "masturbate" yet. No matter: Whenever I had a few minutes to myself, that's what I'd be doing!

But, as you might guess, I wasn't always an expert at masturbating. For a long time, I got it all wrong. I'd slide down banisters, rub against the cat—anything to get that feeling down there. Once, I was grinding against my opened closet door, and I tore it off the hinges. That took a lot of explaining! Gave me a heck of a scare, too. Not long after that, I learned the secret: Take off your pants.

It's taken a lot of trial and error, but over the years, I've picked up a lot more tricks. For example, if you want to masturbate well, make sure there will be no distractions. Go someplace quiet where you can be completely alone. There shouldn't be people in the next room watching television, talking, or making dinner. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you shouldn't masturbate while you're on the phone, either. Sure, the person on the other end of the line can't see you, but they'll be able to tell something's not quite right. I don't know how they do it, but they always do.

Another trick I've found? Lubrication. I call it "lube." Now, I can't stress this nearly enough: If you want to avoid getting sore, make sure you get the entire area good and slick. Your penis should be wet to the touch. But what makes a good lube? Try this simple test: If you put a bit of the substance between your thumb and forefinger, and it makes it easier to rub them together, it's probably good lube. Careful, though! There are a few exceptions. You don't want to use something that burns, like Bengay. Dish soap doesn't work very well, either. Toothpaste passes the two-finger test, but I haven't had the guts to try using it. If you have and it works, let me know.

Once you're lubed up, you need to set the mood. Think of something sexy. I still think about Sherilyn Fenn in Twin Peaks, but sometimes I like to mix it up a little bit. I'll think about Sherilyn Fenn in Of Mice And Men or Boxing Helena or Desire And Hell At Sunset Motel. If you're stuck for inspiration, rent one of those movies. I guarantee a response.

If you want to be a better masturbator, you can't be afraid to try new things. Switch up your hands. Try employing a soft piece of fabric. Only touch certain parts of the penis. You never know until you try, right? If it feels good, why not give it a go?

Last year, I decided I didn't want to just be good at masturbating—I wanted to be great. So I did some research on the web. Was I surprised! There were thousands of photos of people masturbating, both men and women. Even though the sites didn't provide many tips, the photos helped me improve my technique by showing me how the pros do it.

Recently, I've begun to experiment with prolonging my masturbation sessions. Just as I'm about to let go, I'll stop touching myself and wait a bit. When I grab it again, it feels better than ever. By practicing this procedure, my masturbation skills moved from "okay" to "fantastic."

I haven't worked out every kink in the whole masturbation thing, but—not to brag—I'm pretty darned good at it. In fact, I just masturbated a few minutes ago, and I came so hard I almost shit my bed. Now, that doesn't mean there's no room to grow. Life is a journey, and it's up to the individual to make as much of it as possible. So, if you'll excuse me, I have some business to take care of—some masturbating business.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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