I'm Going Buggy Over Bug Movies!

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Vol 34 Issue 17

'Hot 'N' Nasty Butt Cum Chixx' To Appear As 'Creative Concepts' On Credit-Card Bill

PLANO, TX–A phone call to the 1-900 service "Hot 'N' Nasty Butt-Cum Chixx" will be discreetly referred to as "Creative Concepts" when it appears on Plano resident Andre Lucas' credit-card bill next month, it was reported Tuesday. The 11-minute call, during which Lucas masturbated furiously while talking to an unnamed hot and nasty butt-cum chick, will be listed as a $43.89 charge on his Visa bill under the tastefully ambiguous name. Though this is Lucas' first billing-discretion experience involving butt-cum chixx, in May 1997, a 23-minute phone call to "Horny Black Sluts" was billed to "West Coast Promotions."

Revolutionary New Alarm Clock For The Deaf Uses No Hammers

METUCHEN, NJ–America's hearing-impaired are hailing Monday's unveiling of the "Sentinel 450," a breakthrough alarm clock that awakens deaf sleepers without the use of hammers. The alarm clock, developed by Metuchen-based Integrated Products, uses a flashing strobe light to wake hearing-impaired sleepers, rendering obsolete previous models utilizing a mechanical arm to pound the sleeper's cranium with a ball-peen hammer. "Rise and shine in an delightfully new, painless way," trumpets the brochure for the Sentinel 450, expected to hit store shelves in early January. "Now you can be on time for work without all the debilitating concussions, cranial fractures and costly reconstructive facial surgery."

Billy Ray Cyrus To Speak Out On Single-Payer Health-Care Issue On Politically Incorrect

HOLLYWOOD, CA–In the program's most hotly anticipated pronouncement since comedian Elayne Boosler's historic school-voucher address, country-music artist Billy Ray Cyrus will speak out on the issue of single-payer health care Thursday on Politically Incorrect With Bill Maher. Inside sources say Cyrus, best known for his 1992 hit "Achy Breaky Heart," will argue that a single-payer system places health care in its rightful context as a right of all Americans rather than a privilege doled out on the basis of ability to pay. The hunky, denim-clad Cyrus, who for years had remained silent on single-payer health care, is also expected to finally reveal his much-conjectured stance on campaign-finance reform.

Sculptor Criticized For Turning Women Into Objects

NEW YORK–Feminist groups are uniting in protest of sculptor Garrison Byrne, who is accused of turning women into objects for sale to the highest bidder. "The sort of sexist, demeaning objectification of women in which Mr. Byrne engages is shocking and unacceptable," wrote National Women's League president Georgia Richards-Weiss in a letter to The New York Times. "That he actually makes a good living reducing females to lifeless objects is more shocking still."

The Gold Standard Must Be Maintained

To-day's Message concerns the importance of maintaining the gold standard, which has long been the bed-rock of monetary policy in our Great Republic. The printing of more green-backs would only prompt inflation and severely under-mine the Republic's over-all prosperity...

Waterboy Mania

Grossing over $80 million in its first two weeks, Adam Sandler's The Waterboy is a bonafide sensation. Why are people flocking to it?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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I'm Going Buggy Over Bug Movies!

Item! This holiday season, not zero, not one, but two bug movies are coming out! The first is about giant radioactive mutant ants who crush everything in their New Mexican path. This film, called Ants!, is a cautionary tale about the dangers of radiation. The second film is a more charming one called Living Bugs, and it's a documentary about bugs. It may sound like a snooze-fest, but it's actually really fascinating. For example, in it we learn that insects can communicate vocally, and many of them sound just like B-list celebrities.

Item! Everybody's talking about Jennifer Lopez's spicy Latin posterior! Now, I usually don't notice these things, but in the case of this zesty, South Of The Border rump, it just can't be helped. Olé!

Roaring down the trail blazed by Three's Company, Will & Grace is a new sitcom about a gay man living with a straight woman. Now, I've seen this show a number of times, and I have to say that the equation of straight woman plus gay man equals laughs! Or, to put it another way, SW+GM=L! If this trend continues, we may eventually see comedies with lesbians. Three cheers for Will & Grace! Hip hip... hoo-gay!

Item! Ohio has a new state comptroller, and it's none other than The Magnificent Muraco! Word is, the former WWF great had been dissatisfied with the state's fiscal structure for years, and during the '98 campaign he threatened to strangle incumbent comptroller Richard Martell if he didn't get out of office. Mr. Muraco has yet to appoint an assistant state comptroller, but inside sources say it's between Junkyard Dog and "Leaping" Lanny Poffo.

While we're on the subject of politics, Newt Gingrich just stepped down as Speaker Of The House in humiliation and shame. Now, I certainly was never ol' Newt's biggest fan, but he stood by his beliefs, took his lumps, and, through it all, he was an American. So, here's to Newt. He may be a quitter, but you can't say he's no American.

I've been getting a lot of letters lately from fans wondering where I stand on Felicity and Dawson's Creek. Well, wait no further, Harveyheads, because here comes the Straight Shooting From The Scoop. First, I have to say that I love Felicity. I can really relate to the title character, as I know what it's like to carry a torch for someone and have those affections go unrequited. I once followed a woman I barely knew all the way to the supermarket, only to be rejected before we reached the deli counter. As for Dawson's Creek, I stand firm in my conviction that it stinks. First of all, no one really talks like those teens do. It's absurd! Also, I think the show dwells too much on sex. I'm no Prudy Trudy, but prime-time TV is not the place for that kind of trashy talk!

Stressed out? I have the perfect recipe for relaxation: a bubble bath, a glass of wine and a good book. You'll feel better in no time!

Item! No one can say that Hollywood is afraid to take on the big issues. Two movies just came out that take a hard look at Nazis and come to the same conclusion: Nazis are bad business! American Malcolm X stars Edward Everett Horton as a young Nazi who decides that his life as a bigot is long on hate but short on the one thing we all need... love. Details are sketchy about Apt Pupil, but I can tell you that it stars an old actor, hunky Friends star David Swimmer and some other young actor. Both of these films push the envelope and make Americans think about the issues that matter. What's more, they also entertain, so it's a win-win situation. Heil Hollywood!

Those involved in this NBA lockout may think that it's a private matter, but the truth is, there's only one victim here–the fans. I say, enough stalling. Put aside your differences and bring on the giant dunking men!

Well, that's all for now, but you can be sure I'll have plenty more to bring you next time, what with the holidays coming up and all. And while you're busy shopping and running around, be sure to take some time out to remember the people whose only job is to keep you entertained... the people of Hollywood. Until next time, keep the faith!

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