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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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I'm Going Buggy Over Bug Movies!

Item! This holiday season, not zero, not one, but two bug movies are coming out! The first is about giant radioactive mutant ants who crush everything in their New Mexican path. This film, called Ants!, is a cautionary tale about the dangers of radiation. The second film is a more charming one called Living Bugs, and it's a documentary about bugs. It may sound like a snooze-fest, but it's actually really fascinating. For example, in it we learn that insects can communicate vocally, and many of them sound just like B-list celebrities.

Item! Everybody's talking about Jennifer Lopez's spicy Latin posterior! Now, I usually don't notice these things, but in the case of this zesty, South Of The Border rump, it just can't be helped. Olé!

Roaring down the trail blazed by Three's Company, Will & Grace is a new sitcom about a gay man living with a straight woman. Now, I've seen this show a number of times, and I have to say that the equation of straight woman plus gay man equals laughs! Or, to put it another way, SW+GM=L! If this trend continues, we may eventually see comedies with lesbians. Three cheers for Will & Grace! Hip hip... hoo-gay!

Item! Ohio has a new state comptroller, and it's none other than The Magnificent Muraco! Word is, the former WWF great had been dissatisfied with the state's fiscal structure for years, and during the '98 campaign he threatened to strangle incumbent comptroller Richard Martell if he didn't get out of office. Mr. Muraco has yet to appoint an assistant state comptroller, but inside sources say it's between Junkyard Dog and "Leaping" Lanny Poffo.

While we're on the subject of politics, Newt Gingrich just stepped down as Speaker Of The House in humiliation and shame. Now, I certainly was never ol' Newt's biggest fan, but he stood by his beliefs, took his lumps, and, through it all, he was an American. So, here's to Newt. He may be a quitter, but you can't say he's no American.

I've been getting a lot of letters lately from fans wondering where I stand on Felicity and Dawson's Creek. Well, wait no further, Harveyheads, because here comes the Straight Shooting From The Scoop. First, I have to say that I love Felicity. I can really relate to the title character, as I know what it's like to carry a torch for someone and have those affections go unrequited. I once followed a woman I barely knew all the way to the supermarket, only to be rejected before we reached the deli counter. As for Dawson's Creek, I stand firm in my conviction that it stinks. First of all, no one really talks like those teens do. It's absurd! Also, I think the show dwells too much on sex. I'm no Prudy Trudy, but prime-time TV is not the place for that kind of trashy talk!

Stressed out? I have the perfect recipe for relaxation: a bubble bath, a glass of wine and a good book. You'll feel better in no time!

Item! No one can say that Hollywood is afraid to take on the big issues. Two movies just came out that take a hard look at Nazis and come to the same conclusion: Nazis are bad business! American Malcolm X stars Edward Everett Horton as a young Nazi who decides that his life as a bigot is long on hate but short on the one thing we all need... love. Details are sketchy about Apt Pupil, but I can tell you that it stars an old actor, hunky Friends star David Swimmer and some other young actor. Both of these films push the envelope and make Americans think about the issues that matter. What's more, they also entertain, so it's a win-win situation. Heil Hollywood!

Those involved in this NBA lockout may think that it's a private matter, but the truth is, there's only one victim here–the fans. I say, enough stalling. Put aside your differences and bring on the giant dunking men!

Well, that's all for now, but you can be sure I'll have plenty more to bring you next time, what with the holidays coming up and all. And while you're busy shopping and running around, be sure to take some time out to remember the people whose only job is to keep you entertained... the people of Hollywood. Until next time, keep the faith!

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