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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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I'm Going Buggy Over Bug Movies!

Item! This holiday season, not zero, not one, but two bug movies are coming out! The first is about giant radioactive mutant ants who crush everything in their New Mexican path. This film, called Ants!, is a cautionary tale about the dangers of radiation. The second film is a more charming one called Living Bugs, and it's a documentary about bugs. It may sound like a snooze-fest, but it's actually really fascinating. For example, in it we learn that insects can communicate vocally, and many of them sound just like B-list celebrities.

Item! Everybody's talking about Jennifer Lopez's spicy Latin posterior! Now, I usually don't notice these things, but in the case of this zesty, South Of The Border rump, it just can't be helped. Olé!

Roaring down the trail blazed by Three's Company, Will & Grace is a new sitcom about a gay man living with a straight woman. Now, I've seen this show a number of times, and I have to say that the equation of straight woman plus gay man equals laughs! Or, to put it another way, SW+GM=L! If this trend continues, we may eventually see comedies with lesbians. Three cheers for Will & Grace! Hip hip... hoo-gay!

Item! Ohio has a new state comptroller, and it's none other than The Magnificent Muraco! Word is, the former WWF great had been dissatisfied with the state's fiscal structure for years, and during the '98 campaign he threatened to strangle incumbent comptroller Richard Martell if he didn't get out of office. Mr. Muraco has yet to appoint an assistant state comptroller, but inside sources say it's between Junkyard Dog and "Leaping" Lanny Poffo.

While we're on the subject of politics, Newt Gingrich just stepped down as Speaker Of The House in humiliation and shame. Now, I certainly was never ol' Newt's biggest fan, but he stood by his beliefs, took his lumps, and, through it all, he was an American. So, here's to Newt. He may be a quitter, but you can't say he's no American.

I've been getting a lot of letters lately from fans wondering where I stand on Felicity and Dawson's Creek. Well, wait no further, Harveyheads, because here comes the Straight Shooting From The Scoop. First, I have to say that I love Felicity. I can really relate to the title character, as I know what it's like to carry a torch for someone and have those affections go unrequited. I once followed a woman I barely knew all the way to the supermarket, only to be rejected before we reached the deli counter. As for Dawson's Creek, I stand firm in my conviction that it stinks. First of all, no one really talks like those teens do. It's absurd! Also, I think the show dwells too much on sex. I'm no Prudy Trudy, but prime-time TV is not the place for that kind of trashy talk!

Stressed out? I have the perfect recipe for relaxation: a bubble bath, a glass of wine and a good book. You'll feel better in no time!

Item! No one can say that Hollywood is afraid to take on the big issues. Two movies just came out that take a hard look at Nazis and come to the same conclusion: Nazis are bad business! American Malcolm X stars Edward Everett Horton as a young Nazi who decides that his life as a bigot is long on hate but short on the one thing we all need... love. Details are sketchy about Apt Pupil, but I can tell you that it stars an old actor, hunky Friends star David Swimmer and some other young actor. Both of these films push the envelope and make Americans think about the issues that matter. What's more, they also entertain, so it's a win-win situation. Heil Hollywood!

Those involved in this NBA lockout may think that it's a private matter, but the truth is, there's only one victim here–the fans. I say, enough stalling. Put aside your differences and bring on the giant dunking men!

Well, that's all for now, but you can be sure I'll have plenty more to bring you next time, what with the holidays coming up and all. And while you're busy shopping and running around, be sure to take some time out to remember the people whose only job is to keep you entertained... the people of Hollywood. Until next time, keep the faith!

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