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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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I'm Going Buggy Over Bug Movies!

Item! This holiday season, not zero, not one, but two bug movies are coming out! The first is about giant radioactive mutant ants who crush everything in their New Mexican path. This film, called Ants!, is a cautionary tale about the dangers of radiation. The second film is a more charming one called Living Bugs, and it's a documentary about bugs. It may sound like a snooze-fest, but it's actually really fascinating. For example, in it we learn that insects can communicate vocally, and many of them sound just like B-list celebrities.

Item! Everybody's talking about Jennifer Lopez's spicy Latin posterior! Now, I usually don't notice these things, but in the case of this zesty, South Of The Border rump, it just can't be helped. Olé!

Roaring down the trail blazed by Three's Company, Will & Grace is a new sitcom about a gay man living with a straight woman. Now, I've seen this show a number of times, and I have to say that the equation of straight woman plus gay man equals laughs! Or, to put it another way, SW+GM=L! If this trend continues, we may eventually see comedies with lesbians. Three cheers for Will & Grace! Hip hip... hoo-gay!

Item! Ohio has a new state comptroller, and it's none other than The Magnificent Muraco! Word is, the former WWF great had been dissatisfied with the state's fiscal structure for years, and during the '98 campaign he threatened to strangle incumbent comptroller Richard Martell if he didn't get out of office. Mr. Muraco has yet to appoint an assistant state comptroller, but inside sources say it's between Junkyard Dog and "Leaping" Lanny Poffo.

While we're on the subject of politics, Newt Gingrich just stepped down as Speaker Of The House in humiliation and shame. Now, I certainly was never ol' Newt's biggest fan, but he stood by his beliefs, took his lumps, and, through it all, he was an American. So, here's to Newt. He may be a quitter, but you can't say he's no American.

I've been getting a lot of letters lately from fans wondering where I stand on Felicity and Dawson's Creek. Well, wait no further, Harveyheads, because here comes the Straight Shooting From The Scoop. First, I have to say that I love Felicity. I can really relate to the title character, as I know what it's like to carry a torch for someone and have those affections go unrequited. I once followed a woman I barely knew all the way to the supermarket, only to be rejected before we reached the deli counter. As for Dawson's Creek, I stand firm in my conviction that it stinks. First of all, no one really talks like those teens do. It's absurd! Also, I think the show dwells too much on sex. I'm no Prudy Trudy, but prime-time TV is not the place for that kind of trashy talk!

Stressed out? I have the perfect recipe for relaxation: a bubble bath, a glass of wine and a good book. You'll feel better in no time!

Item! No one can say that Hollywood is afraid to take on the big issues. Two movies just came out that take a hard look at Nazis and come to the same conclusion: Nazis are bad business! American Malcolm X stars Edward Everett Horton as a young Nazi who decides that his life as a bigot is long on hate but short on the one thing we all need... love. Details are sketchy about Apt Pupil, but I can tell you that it stars an old actor, hunky Friends star David Swimmer and some other young actor. Both of these films push the envelope and make Americans think about the issues that matter. What's more, they also entertain, so it's a win-win situation. Heil Hollywood!

Those involved in this NBA lockout may think that it's a private matter, but the truth is, there's only one victim here–the fans. I say, enough stalling. Put aside your differences and bring on the giant dunking men!

Well, that's all for now, but you can be sure I'll have plenty more to bring you next time, what with the holidays coming up and all. And while you're busy shopping and running around, be sure to take some time out to remember the people whose only job is to keep you entertained... the people of Hollywood. Until next time, keep the faith!

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