I'm Going To Be The Worst Father Ever

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After Birth

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

I'm Going To Be The Worst Father Ever

Well, Trish is now eight months pregnant. Before you know it, I'm going to be the father of a strapping baby boy. And you know what? I just know I'm going to be the worst father ever.

First of all, I'm not ready for this. Making another human being the center of my universe is not something I want to do. No doubt, I'll take my frustrations out on him. Not overtly. Just in lots of little passive-aggressive ways that undermine his sense of self-esteem and well-being. One day, in about 20 years, he'll trace it back to me while on his therapist's couch. But by then, it'll be way too late.

That won't be my only shortcoming. When it comes to discipline, I'll be weak and inconsistent. If he asks for candy right before bedtime, I'll say yes right after his mother says no. He'll quickly learn to come to me when he wants something he's not supposed to have. And, on the off chance I actually say no to something, I'll change my tune if he whines or throws a tantrum. That should help me lose his respect, not to mention undermine his mother's hard-earned authority.

Man, am I going to suck.

My kid's going to have all the things I never had as a child, whether he wants them or not. He'll take piano lessons, even if he'd rather play the trombone. He'll play Little League baseball, even if he'd rather play tennis. After a while, he'll become so resentful of my forcing him into things, he'll reject everything I try to give him, even the stuff he likes.

Sure, at first, I'll spend lots of time with him. But after the first few years of being a father, the novelty will wear off and I'll leave it to Trish to do the bulk of the parenting. While she's busy teaching him how to tie his shoelaces or build a snowman, I'll be hiding in the basement with my model boats. By the time he's in high school, it'll be too late to make up for all the lost time, so I'll overcompensate by smothering him with attention. That'll further drive a wedge between us.

As for the birds and the bees, forget it. I don't even want to think about teaching him the facts of life. Hopefully, he'll learn what he needs to know from friends or Hustler, because I'm going to feel extremely uncomfortable talking to him about any of that stuff.

The teen years are a difficult time, and in addition to not having the slightest idea what he's into and what his interests are, I'll be fighting with him all the time. Unfortunately, once he's finally old enough that I can reason with him, I'll have resorted to yelling things like, "Because I'm your father and I said so!" I'll start snapping at him and harassing him about what he's up to and who he's hanging around with and what he's doing with his life. After all this, I'll still be surprised when he moves out right after high school and hardly ever calls.

And I haven't even touched on how I'll fail to teach my son life lessons through positive examples. Or the high probability that he'll wind up a child of divorce. Or how my growing drinking problem will make the emotional chasm between us even harder to bridge, eventually causing him to take up the bottle himself. Or how all of this will make it almost impossible for him to have healthy relationships with his own kids.

Oh, well. Practice makes perfect, I guess. Trish wants the next one to be a girl.

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