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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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I'm Going To Make A Great Mom Someday

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my future lately: what kind of life I want to have, what kind of person I want to be, all that stuff. It seems like nowadays, women are more concerned with having a successful career and being independent for a while than they are with settling down and raising a family. The world’s a changing place, after all, and you wouldn’t necessarily think that a single woman in her 20s such as myself would ever dream of having children. But I have to say, the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced it’s something I want to do.

I really think I was born to be a mom. And when I do have a baby of my own, I just know I’m going to be the best mom in the whole world!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Casey, what would a young, pretty, unattached girl like yourself want with a baby?” Fair point. I am only 26 years old, after all! Nevertheless, I have to say, as I’ve gotten older the idea of having a baby has started to seem more and more appealing to me. Lately, it’s been on my mind a lot, in fact: the nursery, the baby carriage, the cozy little cradle—I want it all! I can already picture myself outfitting my baby with all sorts of cute little clothes and toys. That all just sounds like so much fun. And I really think I’m going to be wonderful at it.

It’s weird to even be admitting this, of course, because I never thought I’d feel this way. After all, there was a time in my life when I wasn’t sure motherhood was really for me. The idea of having a baby just seemed like such a drag, you know? All the little chores and responsibilities. And on top of it all, I didn’t even really like babies! I just had to sort of play along when other people would see a baby and talk about how cute it was. I remember thinking, “Ugh, no way! Not for me!”

I don’t know, though. I guess I get it now. My maternal instinct must have kicked in hardcore or something, because I am all about the idea of motherhood these days. I’m not saying I’m ready to have a baby tomorrow or anything. Having a baby isn’t something you should just rush into. But some day in the future I definitely want to be a mom, and when it does happen, you guys, I’m seriously going to be the best mom in the world. You have no idea. I am going to just spoil my kid rotten!

I’ll want to find the right guy, of course, which I imagine won’t be too difficult. I’m a bit of a catch, if I do say so myself!

Granted, having a baby is a big responsibility, and it’s not a decision to be made lightly. You definitely have to make sure your finances and your personal life are in order first before you just suddenly decide to have a baby. That’s why I’m going to be prepared when I have mine, whenever that time comes. I just want my baby to have the best possible life, because nothing will be more important than that. I’m even going to read all of the baby books so that I will be like an expert in having a baby! Just call me Supermommy.

For the time being, though, there’s no reason to rush into things. I’ve got plenty of time to think this through. I’m thinking I’ll wait until I’m maybe 28 or 29 and then that should be about the perfect time. I just want to make sure I do this right.

God, I hope it’s a girl.

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