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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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I'm Going To Make A Great Mom Someday

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my future lately: what kind of life I want to have, what kind of person I want to be, all that stuff. It seems like nowadays, women are more concerned with having a successful career and being independent for a while than they are with settling down and raising a family. The world’s a changing place, after all, and you wouldn’t necessarily think that a single woman in her 20s such as myself would ever dream of having children. But I have to say, the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced it’s something I want to do.

I really think I was born to be a mom. And when I do have a baby of my own, I just know I’m going to be the best mom in the whole world!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Casey, what would a young, pretty, unattached girl like yourself want with a baby?” Fair point. I am only 26 years old, after all! Nevertheless, I have to say, as I’ve gotten older the idea of having a baby has started to seem more and more appealing to me. Lately, it’s been on my mind a lot, in fact: the nursery, the baby carriage, the cozy little cradle—I want it all! I can already picture myself outfitting my baby with all sorts of cute little clothes and toys. That all just sounds like so much fun. And I really think I’m going to be wonderful at it.

It’s weird to even be admitting this, of course, because I never thought I’d feel this way. After all, there was a time in my life when I wasn’t sure motherhood was really for me. The idea of having a baby just seemed like such a drag, you know? All the little chores and responsibilities. And on top of it all, I didn’t even really like babies! I just had to sort of play along when other people would see a baby and talk about how cute it was. I remember thinking, “Ugh, no way! Not for me!”

I don’t know, though. I guess I get it now. My maternal instinct must have kicked in hardcore or something, because I am all about the idea of motherhood these days. I’m not saying I’m ready to have a baby tomorrow or anything. Having a baby isn’t something you should just rush into. But some day in the future I definitely want to be a mom, and when it does happen, you guys, I’m seriously going to be the best mom in the world. You have no idea. I am going to just spoil my kid rotten!

I’ll want to find the right guy, of course, which I imagine won’t be too difficult. I’m a bit of a catch, if I do say so myself!

Granted, having a baby is a big responsibility, and it’s not a decision to be made lightly. You definitely have to make sure your finances and your personal life are in order first before you just suddenly decide to have a baby. That’s why I’m going to be prepared when I have mine, whenever that time comes. I just want my baby to have the best possible life, because nothing will be more important than that. I’m even going to read all of the baby books so that I will be like an expert in having a baby! Just call me Supermommy.

For the time being, though, there’s no reason to rush into things. I’ve got plenty of time to think this through. I’m thinking I’ll wait until I’m maybe 28 or 29 and then that should be about the perfect time. I just want to make sure I do this right.

God, I hope it’s a girl.

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