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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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I'm In The Throes Of Summer Movie Madness!

Item! Summer movie season is here, so forward my mail to my local theater, because I'm going to be losing myself in air-conditioned Hollywood magic for the next three months—especially since there's nothing on TV but reruns and second-string reality series. So, grab some popcorn, pull down a center seat, and dim the lights, because my annual guide to the hottest summer movie tickets is here!

Item! What do you get when you combine J. Lo and J. Fo? Troub-o! The movie is Monster-In-Laws, and it finally answers the question, "What happens when you have to meet the mother-in-law... from hell?" It's a lot like Meet The Parents but better, with snappier snaps and twice the star wattage. (Sorry, Bobby DeNero—you're great, but you're no match for a tag-team powerhouse like Jane-ifer.) It's the perfect movie for anyone who gets a case of the Runaway Bride jitters when it comes to meeting the in-laws.

Item! I had planned to see Fever Pitch, the movie about love and baseball starring Jimmy Ferrell and dreamy Drew Barrymore, but I had a lot of things going on, and I totally spaced it. When I finally headed out to my local multiplex to give it a once over, I found out it wasn't playing anymore. What kind of world do we live in when a Drew Barrymore movie isn't given a chance to breathe? I ended up seeing The Sisterhood Of The Raveling Pants. You can read the review on my blog, but if you can't wait, let me just say that the Pants fit me just fine.

Item! Batman is back, and battier than before. Batman Again takes place years before the previous Batfilms, so Bruce Wayne doesn't look anything like George Clooney, and his nipples are smaller. Besides that, Liam Nissan reprises his role as the wizened guru Qui-Ginn from Star Wars. This crossover flick should have both films' fans running—or should I say flapping!—to the box office.

It's a shame actor Caesar Romeo, who played TV's Batman, wasn't alive to see the new movie. He died recently, his lungs riddled with cancer. Go softly into that good night, Mr. Romeo.

Item! Teen queen Lindsay Loman had a brush with tragedy—literally!—when an overzealous paparazzo smashed into her car last week. Things like this really shake me to the core and make me stop and wonder if it's all worth it. I mean, I love celebrities—so much so that I've made reporting on them my life's work—but photographers, I ask you, aren't you taking things too far when you jeopardize the safety of your own bread and butter? I am referring to the stars. But then, I wonder... Am I, as an entertainment journalist, feeding the public's ravenous appetite for more celebrity? Sometimes it makes me want to retire, but I think I'd rather use my power for good, like Batman. So, don't ram stars with your cars, all you crazy shutterbugs.

Oh boy, turn up the summer heat and you can't drag me away from an ice-cream float. You know my secret? Strawberry ice cream. It puts you in a whole new float dimension.

Item! Has super socialite and ingénue Paris Hilton finally found love? Not the kind that lasts for two weeks and then vanishes when she spots a sexy beau at a swanky club, but real true love? Judging by the happy look on her face, Paris has finally found her equal! And how appropriate that her soulmate is named Paris, too. The other Paris is Greek or Italian or something, and, as luck would have it, he's rich! Paris and Paris (or as I call them, Paris Times Two) make a marvelous couple, and I wish them many happy returns.

Hey, what ever happened to the war on drugs? Ever since the war on terror, I haven't heard anything about it. Just because we have other problems, we shouldn't stop worrying about the scourge of the streets.

Item! Did they or didn't they? That's the question on everyone's minds as they watch Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Well, I have it on good authority that they did... entertain everyone with their exciting new flick! But seriously now, Brad and Angie said there was nothing going on during filming, so let's give them the benefit of the doubt. Don't they have a right to peace when they show up at premieres, or go on TV to promote the movie?

I got a complaint recently that I haven't been delivering on the hot gossip like I used to. Well, it's gotten harder than ever, because every time you think you have an exclusive, the Internet is three steps ahead of you. Not anymore! I promise you that, beginning next column, I will be back in full form, digging up the filthiest dirt in places no one else will look, all within my new parameters of respecting the people—and they are people!—I'm covering. Until then, I'm out of space, so join me next time for a juicy little story I've been digging up on Mayim Bialik. Until then, I'll see you... on The Outside.

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