I'm In The Throes Of Summer Movie Madness!

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.


I'm In The Throes Of Summer Movie Madness!

Item! Summer movie season is here, so forward my mail to my local theater, because I'm going to be losing myself in air-conditioned Hollywood magic for the next three months—especially since there's nothing on TV but reruns and second-string reality series. So, grab some popcorn, pull down a center seat, and dim the lights, because my annual guide to the hottest summer movie tickets is here!

Item! What do you get when you combine J. Lo and J. Fo? Troub-o! The movie is Monster-In-Laws, and it finally answers the question, "What happens when you have to meet the mother-in-law... from hell?" It's a lot like Meet The Parents but better, with snappier snaps and twice the star wattage. (Sorry, Bobby DeNero—you're great, but you're no match for a tag-team powerhouse like Jane-ifer.) It's the perfect movie for anyone who gets a case of the Runaway Bride jitters when it comes to meeting the in-laws.

Item! I had planned to see Fever Pitch, the movie about love and baseball starring Jimmy Ferrell and dreamy Drew Barrymore, but I had a lot of things going on, and I totally spaced it. When I finally headed out to my local multiplex to give it a once over, I found out it wasn't playing anymore. What kind of world do we live in when a Drew Barrymore movie isn't given a chance to breathe? I ended up seeing The Sisterhood Of The Raveling Pants. You can read the review on my blog, but if you can't wait, let me just say that the Pants fit me just fine.

Item! Batman is back, and battier than before. Batman Again takes place years before the previous Batfilms, so Bruce Wayne doesn't look anything like George Clooney, and his nipples are smaller. Besides that, Liam Nissan reprises his role as the wizened guru Qui-Ginn from Star Wars. This crossover flick should have both films' fans running—or should I say flapping!—to the box office.

It's a shame actor Caesar Romeo, who played TV's Batman, wasn't alive to see the new movie. He died recently, his lungs riddled with cancer. Go softly into that good night, Mr. Romeo.

Item! Teen queen Lindsay Loman had a brush with tragedy—literally!—when an overzealous paparazzo smashed into her car last week. Things like this really shake me to the core and make me stop and wonder if it's all worth it. I mean, I love celebrities—so much so that I've made reporting on them my life's work—but photographers, I ask you, aren't you taking things too far when you jeopardize the safety of your own bread and butter? I am referring to the stars. But then, I wonder... Am I, as an entertainment journalist, feeding the public's ravenous appetite for more celebrity? Sometimes it makes me want to retire, but I think I'd rather use my power for good, like Batman. So, don't ram stars with your cars, all you crazy shutterbugs.

Oh boy, turn up the summer heat and you can't drag me away from an ice-cream float. You know my secret? Strawberry ice cream. It puts you in a whole new float dimension.

Item! Has super socialite and ingénue Paris Hilton finally found love? Not the kind that lasts for two weeks and then vanishes when she spots a sexy beau at a swanky club, but real true love? Judging by the happy look on her face, Paris has finally found her equal! And how appropriate that her soulmate is named Paris, too. The other Paris is Greek or Italian or something, and, as luck would have it, he's rich! Paris and Paris (or as I call them, Paris Times Two) make a marvelous couple, and I wish them many happy returns.

Hey, what ever happened to the war on drugs? Ever since the war on terror, I haven't heard anything about it. Just because we have other problems, we shouldn't stop worrying about the scourge of the streets.

Item! Did they or didn't they? That's the question on everyone's minds as they watch Mr. And Mrs. Smith. Well, I have it on good authority that they did... entertain everyone with their exciting new flick! But seriously now, Brad and Angie said there was nothing going on during filming, so let's give them the benefit of the doubt. Don't they have a right to peace when they show up at premieres, or go on TV to promote the movie?

I got a complaint recently that I haven't been delivering on the hot gossip like I used to. Well, it's gotten harder than ever, because every time you think you have an exclusive, the Internet is three steps ahead of you. Not anymore! I promise you that, beginning next column, I will be back in full form, digging up the filthiest dirt in places no one else will look, all within my new parameters of respecting the people—and they are people!—I'm covering. Until then, I'm out of space, so join me next time for a juicy little story I've been digging up on Mayim Bialik. Until then, I'll see you... on The Outside.