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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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I'm Leaving My Fortune to That Lad On the Wireless Radio

Did you know I was once Governor of our fair state? Yes, from 1914 to 1920. I was known as the "Strip-Mining Governor" for my historic ceding of over 27 million square acres of state-owned land to the boron mining interests. Unfortunately, not a trace of boron was found, thousands of farmers and miners starved to death, and I was voted out of office after only one term. Damn those fickle voter bastards!

So you might say that politics has always been of great interest to me. But the politicians of today are spineless! No taste for graft, no stomach for vice. The only one who talks sense these days is the lad on the wireless radio. Nurse, who's that fellow who talks upon the wireless radio? What are you doing? I didn't ask for a bath, you ruminant!

Anyway, I've decided to leave my entire fortune to him, and not that idiot son of mine. He spent most of his trust fund on the dog track, painted ladies, and bingo. Screw him!

But this boy on the wireless radio, he makes a lot of sense. It's evident he's a fine young Christian with an even temperament and steady tongue, a bright soul who fights the good fight and always prevails. How he reminds me of myself as a lad!

And he knows how to sum up his point in a few words with no gobbledygook or claptrap! What are some of the things he says? Let me think... ah yes! "Schweiner's yeast helps your breads achieve new heights." And, "Diaper rash? Pinkie Medicated Powder has all the power of talcum—and then some!"

See, this boy just gets to the point right off, with no hassle or delay. We could use someone like him in Washington! Hopefully, my fortune will assist him in achieving that lofty goal.

My attorney is balking, however. He advises that I shouldn't change my will until I find out this young man's name and refuses to help me. Bastard! I don't pay him $200 an hour so he can play my nursemaid! Of course, he's yet another one after my fortune. Drop dead, the whole stinking lot of you!

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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