I'm Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze

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2000 Election

Child Subjected To Elaborate Hairdo

GRAND RAPIDS, MI– Renee Wilkins, 4, was subjected to a painful, elaborate hairdo at the hands of her mother Monday. "Look how pretty my baby looks," said Chanté Wilkins, 31, after spending three hours meticulously braiding her daughter's hair and stringing 250 multicolored plastic beads onto the braids. "Doesn't she look just like Venus Williams?" Ever since the completion of the elaborate procedure, the child has worn a stocking cap to muffle the beads' ceaseless clacking sound.

Strom Thurmond Begins Preparing Cabinet

WASHINGTON, DC– With the presidential-succession crisis threatening to drag on for months, U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) began the process of assembling his Cabinet Monday. "See here, I believe I'll take Lester Maddox as my Secretary of War," said the 97-year-old Thurmond, who, as president pro tempore of the Senate, is second in line for the White House if the president-elect is not determined by Inauguration Day. "And that Orval Faubus would do a fine job as Secretary of Slaves, he surely would." Thurmond said he has not yet decided who would head the Department of Cows and Chickens.

Recount Reveals Nader Defeated

TALLAHASSEE, FL– A third recount by Florida election officials has "definitively determined" that Green Party candidate Ralph Nader was defeated in the state. "There was a very significant 25,603-vote discrepancy between the first two counts, with Nader losing by respective margins of 2,812,339 and 2,837,942, so we decided to conduct a hand recount," Florida Attorney General Jim Smith said. "We now know that Nader lost by precisely 2,821,278 votes." It is not yet known whether Nader lost to Gore or Bush.

Hypothetical Question Clearly Not Hypothetical

YUMA, AZ– Brad Thorstadt was rattled Monday, when hiking partner and longtime friend Ken Daniels asked him a hypothetical question that clearly was not hypothetical. "What the hell did he mean by, 'Hypothetically speaking, if you and Cheryl were into threesomes, would you consider me?'" Thorstadt asked. "That's not the kind of thing you just ask hypothetically." Thorstadt added that he likes Daniels and everything, but damn.

Area Man A Walking Encyclopedia Of Everything Except Leading A Normal Life

ODESSA, TX– Gene Weldon, 34, was praised by friends and family Monday for his expertise on dog breeding, spelunking, and countless other subjects except leading a normal life. "One time, I asked Gene what he thought about the recent market fluctuations, and he gives this long lecture on the history of the Nikkei Index," friend Mindy Becker said. "With a body of knowledge like that, you'd think he'd at least own a car." Cousin Mike Framisch agreed, saying, "For a guy with no regular full-time job, he knows an awful lot about the ecosystem of the Marianas Trench."

A Portentous Estate Sale

Several months ago, I informed The Onion's Middle-western readers of their impending sale as part of an offering of this news-paper's mid-continental distribution district. This transaction was conceived as a way to shore-up the paper's dwindling cash reserves. I still believe my asking price of $20 million and the marriage-hand of Lillian Gish was more than fair, but to date I have received no letters of inquiry. God damn my fellow plutocrats for the weak-willed, lily-livered cheap-skates they are!

Government-Publications Enthusiast Makes Pilgrimage To Pueblo, CO

PUEBLO, CO– Fulfilling a lifelong dream, Kim Cheever of Ames, IA, made a pilgrimage Tuesday to Pueblo's Federal Consumer Information Center. "This is the happiest moment of my life," said Cheever, touring the center that has produced informative government leaflets for the past 30 years. "To think that pamphlets like 'Making The Updated Tax Code Work For You' were dreamed up right here." Cheever ended her visit with a stop at the gift shop, where she purchased a copy of the classic 1972 brochure "Preparing For The Metric Conversion" and a rare misprint edition of "Raising Poultry For Meat And Eggs."

Election Madness

With Florida's results in doubt, several other states mulling recounts, and both Bush and Gore threatening legal action, the winner of the Nov. 7 presidential election has yet to be determined. What do you think?
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I'm Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze

Did you ever know a "chocoholic"? One of those folks who just can't get enough chocolate? I bet there's at least one in your home or workplace. At my house, it's my wife Emily. She's got to have her little bowl of Hershey's Kisses in the living room. She can't go shopping without bringing home some chocolate ice cream or a chocolate-cake mix. She's even got a funny little sweatshirt that says, "My Name Is Emily, And I'm A Chocoholic."

To be honest, I'm a bit of a chocoholic myself. Except for one small detail. You see, instead of being addicted to chocolate, I'm addicted to booze. Yep, from dawn to dusk, there's one thing on my mind: booze! Beer, liquor, wine, all that stuff!

When my wife gets one of her cravings, she reaches for a Baby Ruth or Mars bar. With me, it's Icehouse beer. My refrigerator is always stocked with plenty of it. I also have a little flask of whiskey in my desk drawer at work. In fact, if you can keep a secret, I even keep some booze in my car in case of traffic jams. I just can't stand to be without booze for too long!

I'm a lot like that Cookie Monster on Sesame Street. Only it's more like the Booze Monster. When I walk into a party and see that they have booze of any kind, it's like, "Whoa-hoa! All bets are off! Lemme at that booze!"

I remember this one time, there was no chocolate in the house. Emily was going out of her mind, trying to scrape up some sort of chocolate fix. In the end, she resorted to drinking a cup of hot cocoa. It was so cute! Sort of like the time I drank all her hairspray because there was no booze in the house. Or that other time with the rubbing alcohol. Or the Nyquil. Or the Aqua-Velva.

Another time, I was completely out of booze, and all the stores and bars were closed, so I drove 45 minutes to find a place that would sell me some beer or something. I was kind of embarrassed, because here it was late Monday night, and I had to work the next day, and I'm driving around looking for booze. But, hey, that's just how things are when you're a "booze-oholic" like me! I finally found a huge all-night liquor store. You should have seen how I loaded up! Cases of this, fifths of that. It was 5 a.m. when I finally got home, so I just said, "To heck with work!" and had my own little improvised holiday. I called it Booze Day! I'd been working hard, getting to work on time almost every day for two weeks, so I figured I'd earned what wound up being the rest of the week off.

Sometimes Emily and I think we should cut down a little–you know, health concerns and all. But there's always some special occasion that gives us an excuse to go off our "diets." Halloween was Emily's last big bender. We only got three trick-or-treaters the entire night, so the whole big bowl of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups went straight to her. (Or straight to her thighs, as she said!)

My most recent bender was today. There was a good movie on TV, and I figured, hey, I'll need steady hands to change the volume. Of course, it all went straight to my liver, but what are you gonna do?

For my birthday, Emily gave me the funniest coffee mug, perfect for Irish coffee. It has a little teddy bear on it with a "don't mess with me" look on his face, and it says, "Hand Over The Booze And Nobody Gets Hurt." I laughed so hard! That bear was just like me when I robbed the party store earlier this year! Also, the mug is really big, so it can hold a lot of booze... another plus!

Yes, those chocoholics are a funny sort. But they won't hurt you–as long as they have their chocolate, that is. Or, in my case, booze!

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