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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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I'm Mad About Mad About You!

Item! By now, the whole nation knows that televisionland's favorite couple, Paul and Jamie Buchman of Mad About You, has finally had its long-dreamed-of baby. (If you didn't know, you should have—after all, it was only the top rated episode of any television show this season.) But did you know that they will be having more? Yes, in a storyline ripped straight out of today's headlines, the couple is going to adopt several homeless orphans to get them off the street and into America's hearts. By putting a little Eight Is Enough into the show, they are making one of my favorite shows all the better! I think that Helen Hunt and Paul Rudner make a great couple, and I'll keep watching them and their madcap romantic antics until I die! I'm simply mad about Mad About You!

Speaking of today's headlines, I've been bitten by the septuplet bug that is going around! Seven babies! It's simply a miracle! I was rooting for them the whole time. Just think of all the love that will fill that single-income household. I come from a small family, so I've never known what it would be like, but it must be splendid. Seven babies! Wow!

Item! Actor Kevin Kline has a secret... He plays a gay man in a movie! Don't worry, ladies, he's not really gay, he's just an actor playing a role, much like Charles Nelson Reilly or Rip Taylor. According to my sources, the movie, titled In The Closet, is a real scream. And not the kind of scream you'd get from the movie Scream, but rather one of the hooting variety. I can't wait to see it myself. If there's one thing Jackie Harvey loves, it's a good laugh!

And now, from the Ask And You Shall Receive File... As all you Harveyheads may recall, in my last column, I made a plea to the entertainment gods for more of dreamy Selma Hayek. Lo and behold, I just saw her in a commercial! I was so entranced by her beauty that I can't even remember what the commercial was for. (I think it might have been for some shampoo.) Just be sure to watch for it, and, if you do see it, go out and buy whatever product she's endorsing to send those advertising bigwigs a message loud and clear: Selma Hayek is the greatest!

Do dogs really love trucks? That smiling Asian guy with the sunglasses in that car commercial sure seems to think so. One thing's for sure, though: That guy doesn't talk much.

Item! Supermodel (more like super-duper model) Kate Moss is making the rounds... the chicken rounds, that is! My sources tell me that Moss is a super-huge chicken fan, and has decided to go on a worldwide search to find the world's tastiest chicken. No word yet as to which birds are making the cut, but in case you're keeping score at home, Moss is said to prefer fried to rotisserie. I wonder what husband David Copperfield thinks of his wife's other love?

When winter rolls around, I don't just get colds, I get freezings! That would be colder than a cold, of course.

Christmas albums are coming out, and no one could be happier! Than me, that is. I must own at least 75 Christmas albums (eight by Christmas legend Neil Diamond alone). So far this year, I've gotten the Hanson Christmas album, the Chant Christmas album, and a Christmas album whose proceeds go toward a good cause involving diseased children. Some people collect stamps, some people collect vacuum cleaners, but I collect holiday cheer. And if that's wrong, I don't ever want to be right.