adBlockCheck

I'm Mad About Mad About You!

Top Headlines

Recent News

Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

I'm Mad About Mad About You!

Item! By now, the whole nation knows that televisionland's favorite couple, Paul and Jamie Buchman of Mad About You, has finally had its long-dreamed-of baby. (If you didn't know, you should have—after all, it was only the top rated episode of any television show this season.) But did you know that they will be having more? Yes, in a storyline ripped straight out of today's headlines, the couple is going to adopt several homeless orphans to get them off the street and into America's hearts. By putting a little Eight Is Enough into the show, they are making one of my favorite shows all the better! I think that Helen Hunt and Paul Rudner make a great couple, and I'll keep watching them and their madcap romantic antics until I die! I'm simply mad about Mad About You!

Speaking of today's headlines, I've been bitten by the septuplet bug that is going around! Seven babies! It's simply a miracle! I was rooting for them the whole time. Just think of all the love that will fill that single-income household. I come from a small family, so I've never known what it would be like, but it must be splendid. Seven babies! Wow!

Item! Actor Kevin Kline has a secret... He plays a gay man in a movie! Don't worry, ladies, he's not really gay, he's just an actor playing a role, much like Charles Nelson Reilly or Rip Taylor. According to my sources, the movie, titled In The Closet, is a real scream. And not the kind of scream you'd get from the movie Scream, but rather one of the hooting variety. I can't wait to see it myself. If there's one thing Jackie Harvey loves, it's a good laugh!

And now, from the Ask And You Shall Receive File... As all you Harveyheads may recall, in my last column, I made a plea to the entertainment gods for more of dreamy Selma Hayek. Lo and behold, I just saw her in a commercial! I was so entranced by her beauty that I can't even remember what the commercial was for. (I think it might have been for some shampoo.) Just be sure to watch for it, and, if you do see it, go out and buy whatever product she's endorsing to send those advertising bigwigs a message loud and clear: Selma Hayek is the greatest!

Do dogs really love trucks? That smiling Asian guy with the sunglasses in that car commercial sure seems to think so. One thing's for sure, though: That guy doesn't talk much.

Item! Supermodel (more like super-duper model) Kate Moss is making the rounds... the chicken rounds, that is! My sources tell me that Moss is a super-huge chicken fan, and has decided to go on a worldwide search to find the world's tastiest chicken. No word yet as to which birds are making the cut, but in case you're keeping score at home, Moss is said to prefer fried to rotisserie. I wonder what husband David Copperfield thinks of his wife's other love?

When winter rolls around, I don't just get colds, I get freezings! That would be colder than a cold, of course.

Christmas albums are coming out, and no one could be happier! Than me, that is. I must own at least 75 Christmas albums (eight by Christmas legend Neil Diamond alone). So far this year, I've gotten the Hanson Christmas album, the Chant Christmas album, and a Christmas album whose proceeds go toward a good cause involving diseased children. Some people collect stamps, some people collect vacuum cleaners, but I collect holiday cheer. And if that's wrong, I don't ever want to be right.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close