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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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I'm Mad About Mad About You!

Item! By now, the whole nation knows that televisionland's favorite couple, Paul and Jamie Buchman of Mad About You, has finally had its long-dreamed-of baby. (If you didn't know, you should have—after all, it was only the top rated episode of any television show this season.) But did you know that they will be having more? Yes, in a storyline ripped straight out of today's headlines, the couple is going to adopt several homeless orphans to get them off the street and into America's hearts. By putting a little Eight Is Enough into the show, they are making one of my favorite shows all the better! I think that Helen Hunt and Paul Rudner make a great couple, and I'll keep watching them and their madcap romantic antics until I die! I'm simply mad about Mad About You!

Speaking of today's headlines, I've been bitten by the septuplet bug that is going around! Seven babies! It's simply a miracle! I was rooting for them the whole time. Just think of all the love that will fill that single-income household. I come from a small family, so I've never known what it would be like, but it must be splendid. Seven babies! Wow!

Item! Actor Kevin Kline has a secret... He plays a gay man in a movie! Don't worry, ladies, he's not really gay, he's just an actor playing a role, much like Charles Nelson Reilly or Rip Taylor. According to my sources, the movie, titled In The Closet, is a real scream. And not the kind of scream you'd get from the movie Scream, but rather one of the hooting variety. I can't wait to see it myself. If there's one thing Jackie Harvey loves, it's a good laugh!

And now, from the Ask And You Shall Receive File... As all you Harveyheads may recall, in my last column, I made a plea to the entertainment gods for more of dreamy Selma Hayek. Lo and behold, I just saw her in a commercial! I was so entranced by her beauty that I can't even remember what the commercial was for. (I think it might have been for some shampoo.) Just be sure to watch for it, and, if you do see it, go out and buy whatever product she's endorsing to send those advertising bigwigs a message loud and clear: Selma Hayek is the greatest!

Do dogs really love trucks? That smiling Asian guy with the sunglasses in that car commercial sure seems to think so. One thing's for sure, though: That guy doesn't talk much.

Item! Supermodel (more like super-duper model) Kate Moss is making the rounds... the chicken rounds, that is! My sources tell me that Moss is a super-huge chicken fan, and has decided to go on a worldwide search to find the world's tastiest chicken. No word yet as to which birds are making the cut, but in case you're keeping score at home, Moss is said to prefer fried to rotisserie. I wonder what husband David Copperfield thinks of his wife's other love?

When winter rolls around, I don't just get colds, I get freezings! That would be colder than a cold, of course.

Christmas albums are coming out, and no one could be happier! Than me, that is. I must own at least 75 Christmas albums (eight by Christmas legend Neil Diamond alone). So far this year, I've gotten the Hanson Christmas album, the Chant Christmas album, and a Christmas album whose proceeds go toward a good cause involving diseased children. Some people collect stamps, some people collect vacuum cleaners, but I collect holiday cheer. And if that's wrong, I don't ever want to be right.

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