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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself

In this world, there are all kinds of chicks—tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, even some real ugly ones that my buddy Jeff calls "double baggers"—ha! And hey, everybody has different tastes when it comes to the babes. As for me, if you really want to know what gets my motor running, then I'd have to say I'm more of a breast man and a horrible, despicable human being, myself.

Yeah, I said it! A big ol' pair of titties really does it for this particular red-blooded American male and worthless piece of excrement! So sue me!

I mean, sure, I can appreciate a nice round derriere or a long, shapely set of legs as much as the next guy, and who doesn't like some big, pouty DSLs? (That's "dick-sucking lips," for all you queers who don't know.) But as much as I can understand the appeal of some juicy thighs and a butt so tight you can bounce a quarter off it, for me it's all about the size of her rack, mainly because I'm a disgusting, fetid lump of wet dog shit.

Redheads, brunettes, blondes, Asians, Latinas, black chicks—when the lights are out, so long as I can get my hands on two fatty bags of fun, it's all the same to me! God, I'm a revolting fuckface of a man who deserves to die!

Of course, that's not to say I'm gonna love any old pair of jugs that comes my way. I guess I'm sort of what you'd call a "breast connoisseur" or "totally useless, inhuman piece-of- garbage scumbag." I got some standards, is what I'm saying. Tits that look like a couple of fried eggs hanging off a doornail ain't really gonna do it for me—a selfish, inconsiderate, no-class, lowlife prick. But hey, if it comes down to it and they're not dragging across the ground, I'm still game, and a useless dickhead that adds absolutely nothing of value to this world!

Really, what more can I say? I love breasts! I guess that's just how a complete shitheel like me was made!

So you see, I can't really help what attracts me to the ladies. It's not the face, or the hair, or the eyes, or the education, or the temperament, or the sense of humor, or the intelligence, or the warmth, or what they have to offer humanity as living, breathing, talking, thinking citizens of the planet, or any of that bullshit—it's just their tits. That, and nothing else.

So keep your big asses and long legs. Keep your doctorates in comparative literature, your charity work, your child-rearing, your Olympic-level figure skating—I'll take me some breasts! No, sir, I'm just not a leg man, an ass man, a cancer-researcher man, a female- novelist man, or a Nobel-Peace-Prize-winning-activist-for-the-indigenous-peoples-of-Guatemala man.

I'm a breast man! A totally invalidating-of- everything-about-women-except-for-their-breasts man! And I couldn't be happier, because I'm a complete and utter fucking shitbag bastard from beyond hell!

Ba-boom!

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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