I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself

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WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself

In this world, there are all kinds of chicks—tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, even some real ugly ones that my buddy Jeff calls "double baggers"—ha! And hey, everybody has different tastes when it comes to the babes. As for me, if you really want to know what gets my motor running, then I'd have to say I'm more of a breast man and a horrible, despicable human being, myself.

Yeah, I said it! A big ol' pair of titties really does it for this particular red-blooded American male and worthless piece of excrement! So sue me!

I mean, sure, I can appreciate a nice round derriere or a long, shapely set of legs as much as the next guy, and who doesn't like some big, pouty DSLs? (That's "dick-sucking lips," for all you queers who don't know.) But as much as I can understand the appeal of some juicy thighs and a butt so tight you can bounce a quarter off it, for me it's all about the size of her rack, mainly because I'm a disgusting, fetid lump of wet dog shit.

Redheads, brunettes, blondes, Asians, Latinas, black chicks—when the lights are out, so long as I can get my hands on two fatty bags of fun, it's all the same to me! God, I'm a revolting fuckface of a man who deserves to die!

Of course, that's not to say I'm gonna love any old pair of jugs that comes my way. I guess I'm sort of what you'd call a "breast connoisseur" or "totally useless, inhuman piece-of- garbage scumbag." I got some standards, is what I'm saying. Tits that look like a couple of fried eggs hanging off a doornail ain't really gonna do it for me—a selfish, inconsiderate, no-class, lowlife prick. But hey, if it comes down to it and they're not dragging across the ground, I'm still game, and a useless dickhead that adds absolutely nothing of value to this world!

Really, what more can I say? I love breasts! I guess that's just how a complete shitheel like me was made!

So you see, I can't really help what attracts me to the ladies. It's not the face, or the hair, or the eyes, or the education, or the temperament, or the sense of humor, or the intelligence, or the warmth, or what they have to offer humanity as living, breathing, talking, thinking citizens of the planet, or any of that bullshit—it's just their tits. That, and nothing else.

So keep your big asses and long legs. Keep your doctorates in comparative literature, your charity work, your child-rearing, your Olympic-level figure skating—I'll take me some breasts! No, sir, I'm just not a leg man, an ass man, a cancer-researcher man, a female- novelist man, or a Nobel-Peace-Prize-winning-activist-for-the-indigenous-peoples-of-Guatemala man.

I'm a breast man! A totally invalidating-of- everything-about-women-except-for-their-breasts man! And I couldn't be happier, because I'm a complete and utter fucking shitbag bastard from beyond hell!