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I'm Moving This Miserable Periodical To The Yukon

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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I'm Moving This Miserable Periodical To The Yukon

Disturbing reports have been reaching my bronze ear-horn over the past few weeks concerning the goings-on at the many Eastern sea-board offices of The Onion news-paper. Evidently, if accounts from my disgustingly subservient dogsbodies in management are to be believed, the constant rustle of news-print and scratch of fountain-pen nibs has been punctuated by the murmur of pleasant conversation and, in many cases, outright laughter among staffers. It seems the foul cancer known to some pansy-sniffing modern types as High Morale has taken root at the very paper I killed six men to establish, despite my undertaking every effort to ensure the opposite!

Of course, the very day I heard of this newfound sense of well-being among my sniveling so-called staff, I summoned my solicitor, Beavers, to my bed-chamber and announced that, to cut costs, this mutinous news-paper—for as any successful business-man will tell you, happiness among the employees is no less than mutiny—will be moving all its operations to the Yukon. Naturally, it was required I reassure Beavers we actually have plenty of money—our coffers are swollen as ticks, making them too expensive to move; no, they shall stay here with me—and that I merely wished to restore the proper order of things. I instructed him to give Dec. 25, which I thought an easily remembered date, as the time by which everyone will be expected to report to the new offices. Otherwise, of course, they will lose their jobs!

Strangely, the first reaction among my writers and editors was frank disbelief. I was loath to accept this could actually be the case. When petitioned to provide for the health of my employees, have I not given them reluctant access to only the most slipshod and bloody-minded quacks ever to be expelled from veterinary school? When asked for raises, have I not said no every year since 1868? And when the employees threatened to unionize, did I not have their children sealed inside a great iron steam-boiler, in which the temperature was raised one degree for every word their jumped-up "spokesman" uttered in my presence? How could they not believe I would be willing to relocate them to a distant Alaskan territory on a moment's notice?

This is, after all, how a company must be run, now that I am assured the Industrial Revolution has been lost for good. The next few weeks will be spent meeting individually with people and avoiding any mention of how the Yukon office is a clapboard ambergris ware-house cheaply constructed during the first flush of the whaling boom, back when glass in windows was as foreign a concept as roofs. We are concentrating on the good news, telling them they will be provided with one (1) ox to be used for moving their personal belongings, assuming the great beasts can sustain the additional load once they have been yoked to the printing-presses; informing them about the gold that has been found in the Yukon and how if they find any they will be allowed to keep 15 percent after assayer's fees; and emphasizing they will not be allowed to eat the oxen under any circumstances, as an ox-team has been known to safely transport a printing-press quite a ways without human guidance. We discovered this when The Onion undertook the forced march from poisonously sunny California all those decades ago.

Already I can hear the whimpering cries from the editorial bull-pen as the movers load the writers into crates! It does my news-paper-man's heart good to know that only the very best of them will survive. Truly, this will be a grand adventure, and without the taint of Morale to sour its sweetness. I almost wish I were going my-self, but of course I am staying here, within sight of the Atlantic, where there is decent opera and one can have roast beeves delivered to one's door-step up to an hour after sun-set. None to worry, though, as I do maintain a rustic 40-room cottage in the Yukon wilderness from which the desperate toiling of underlings can be safely glimpsed from a spyglass—indeed, I can think of no better place to spend the holidays.

Also, if any of the gape-jawed imbeciles who laughably refer to themselves as the Onion Editorial Staff remain after six months, I intend to fire them any-way, so the danger of them experiencing any undue sense of job security is quite low; laughably so, I'm happy to report. If this business has taught me one thing, it is that news is cyclical, and we have written so very many articles in my life-time that I am sure we can begin repeating them without any-one noticing.

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