I'm No David Swimmer, But Then Again, Who Is?

In This Section

Vol 32 Issue 14

Exxon Donates $70 Million To Clean Up Portland Man's Life

PORTLAND, OR—In a move hailed by environmentalists as its first act of responsibility toward area resident Dan Fanshaw, Exxon Corp. announced that it will donate $70 million toward cleaning up Fanshaw’s life. Among the damage for which Exxon will compensate Fanshaw: his failure to get into medical school, the May ’97 death of his beloved dog Max, and his increasing addiction to anti-depressants. “It’s a mess,” Exxon spokesperson David Haller said. “But we are committed to cleaning it up.”

Chris Farley Has Hilarious Cardiac Arrest

NEW YORK—Obese comedian Chris Farley delighted dozens of onlookers Thursday, suffering an uproarious heart attack at a Manhattan restaurant. “He was enjoying our $10.99 all-you-can-eat lasagna special,” said Il Trattoria owner Ed Gianelli, “when he turned all red and started pounding on his chest. He then flopped onto a nearby table, smashing it into splinters and sending food flying in all directions. I was in hysterics. This guy is the next Belushi.”

St. Vincent To World's Catholics: Stop Donating All This Crap To Me

VATICAN CITY—Frustrated by the ever-mounting piles of used clothing, old magazines and rusting appliances accumulating in his name in thrift shops around the globe, St. Vincent made a plea to the world’s Catholics Monday to “stop donating all this crap to me.” “If one more paint-covered sweatshirt, dented crock pot, or any other piece of thrift-store garbage is dropped into one of my bins, I am going to snap,” said St. Vincent, named patron of works of charity in 1855. “Please, keep your worthless trash—I don’t want it.”

Rubenesque Woman Has Picassoesque Face

HANOVER, NH—Meredith Pierce, 33, a Hanover-area elementary-school teacher, is attracting the attention of the art world with her Rubenesque figure and Picassoesque face. “Her plump form reminds me of the voluptuous servant girl who voraciously eats the roast pig in Rubens’ Flemish Feast (1610),” Oxford University art-history professor Edmund Kent said. “But it is Pierce’s grotesque, asymmetrical face that truly distinguishes her: Her crooked nose and badly misplaced eyes evoke Picasso’s early experimentations with cubism, when he was struggling to capture the fractured nature of modern life, and her severely exaggerated forehead reminds me of Les Desmoiselles d’Avignon and other mid-period abstract works. Pierce’s face is a brilliant summation of the shattered, hideous absurdity of the human condition.” Pierce will be transferred to the Prado next month for a two-year installation.

Federal Government To Be Run By Cheaper Mexican Officials

WASHINGTON, DC—In a cost-cutting move expected to save taxpayers $50 billion a year, it was announced Monday that U.S. federal officials will be replaced by cheaper Mexican counterparts. “I want to thank you for this opportunity. We will do our best to run America as best we can,” said Ernesto Vasquez, the new president of the U.S. Vasquez said he will work closely with Vice-President Guillermo Reyes and members of El Senate and La Casa De Representatives to ensure a smooth transition of power. Vasquez will earn the lavish wage of $3.50 an hour as president, more than most of the new federal officials will earn per day.

Scientists Isolate Pepsi-Resistant Gene

SOMERS, NY—At a press conference Tuesday, scientists working for the prestigious PepsiLab facility announced the historic, first-ever isolation of the long sought-after "anti-Pepsi gene," the basic building block of DNA responsible for so-called "Pepsi resistance" in adult soda consumers.

U.S. Dept. Of Retro Warns: 'We May Be Running Out Of Past'

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, U.S. Retro Secretary Anson Williams issued a strongly worded warning of an imminent "national retro crisis," cautioning that "if current levels of U.S. retro consumption are allowed to continue unchecked, we may run entirely out of past by as soon as 2005."
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

I'm No David Swimmer, But Then Again, Who Is?

Item! Nice-guy dreamboat and good "Friend" David Swimmer treated his gal pal to a romance the old-fashioned way... They went on a cruise! My good sources tell me that Swimmer went on a Jamaican cruise with his as-yet-anonymous girlfriend. They had a ball, playing shuffleboard in the daytime and dancing the evenings away. So, the good news is that he's a nice guy and a real gentleman, but the bad news, ladies, is that he's off the market. If you're really looking for romance, though, you might want to give a certain Hollywood columnist a call. I mean, I'm no David Swimmer, but I sure don't mind giving it my best shot!

Item! Did someone say movies? Well, this summer sure was a great one for enjoying the savory fruits of the Hollywood dream factory. I didn't get a chance to see them all, but here's a wrap-up of the stuff that I did manage to take in...

We had some heavy, hard-hitting movies in the aliens department: Contact was good, and it made you think. Men In Black was good, and it made you laugh. Star Wars, even though it was out in the spring, was also good, and it made you cheer.

There were also a lot of shoot-'em-up movies like Face/Off, Executive Pardon, Air Force One, and Convict Plane Crash, but I didn't see any of them because I think Hollywood has been glorifying violence a bit too much lately. Boycotting those movies was my way of saying, "Hey, Hollywood—enough with the guns! How about a nice movie about a young couple in love?" Now that the summer is over, though, I have to rent Air Force One, because I'm dying to see how Harrison Ford does as The President of the United States. I hope he sticks it to those Russkies!

Has anyone out there found a garlic press that is durable, smart-looking, and fun to use? The best I've been able to find is one with two out of the three!

Item! Rumors are floating around like leaves in a Hollywood pool that superstars Shelley Winters, Ernest Borgnine, and Gene "Lex Luthor" Hackman may be reuniting to shoot a remake of The Poseidon Adventure to be directed by superdirector James "Alien 3" Cameron. Now, as most of you know, I am one big Shelley Winters fan. I mean, I was first in line to see Jury Duty just because she was in it, so I am very excited to see her in a remake of the film in which I first saw her method-acting greatness shine. Mr. Cameron, if you are reading this, here's a bit of advice on how to make this version all the better: Let Shelley live this time! More Shelley means more cinematic greatness!

Item! Speaking of underwater adventures, Dallas star Patrick Duffy is going to be starring as an underwater hero in the vein of the Sub Mariner or the mighty Aquaman. The show, called The Man From Atlantis, will be shown on the Sci-Fi Channel... A darn good reason to get cable if you don't have it already!

Hey, Hollywood, give us more Selma Hayek! It's what we want, as if you weren't able to ascertain that. Yes, I know I said that about Cameron Diaz last year, but this time it's different!

Speaking of the good old days, what ever happened to those old radio shows you used to find on tape at every dime store? I'd love to get some of those Fibber McGee & Molly shows! The old closet routine, what a scream!

Why does the telephone always ring just as I'm about to get in the shower? Well, that's not entirely true. I've taken many showers without the phone ringing, and the phone has rung many times when I wasn't in the shower. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's really annoying when the two events coincide, and it happens frequently enough for me to comment on it. Does that make sense?

Still no word on who's going to get the plum role of Chip in the new My Three Sons movie, but the minute there's any news, I'll be bringing it to you.

I hate to end columns with bad news, but good, hard-working people keep on dying. I am, of course, referring to Princess Diana, the people's princess, who uplifted the world by visiting people with AIDS and selling the dresses off her back to raise money for charity. She died in a horrible car crash that involved alcohol, so please, let this be a lesson to all of you: Don't drink and drive!

Also, master songster Elton John wrote a song about Diana's tragic death called "Like A Candle In The Wind," which is a deep metaphor that says that the brightest flames (Diana) burn out (die) tragically young because they are frail (fragile) and the wind (car crashes) takes them away (kills them). Go be the first in your town to own a copy of this gem. The money goes to cover Diana's funeral costs, a good cause if there ever was one.

Well, until next time, this is Jackie Harvey bringing you the Outside Scoop!

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More