adBlockCheck

I'm No David Swimmer, But Then Again, Who Is?

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I'm No David Swimmer, But Then Again, Who Is?

Item! Nice-guy dreamboat and good "Friend" David Swimmer treated his gal pal to a romance the old-fashioned way... They went on a cruise! My good sources tell me that Swimmer went on a Jamaican cruise with his as-yet-anonymous girlfriend. They had a ball, playing shuffleboard in the daytime and dancing the evenings away. So, the good news is that he's a nice guy and a real gentleman, but the bad news, ladies, is that he's off the market. If you're really looking for romance, though, you might want to give a certain Hollywood columnist a call. I mean, I'm no David Swimmer, but I sure don't mind giving it my best shot!

Item! Did someone say movies? Well, this summer sure was a great one for enjoying the savory fruits of the Hollywood dream factory. I didn't get a chance to see them all, but here's a wrap-up of the stuff that I did manage to take in...

We had some heavy, hard-hitting movies in the aliens department: Contact was good, and it made you think. Men In Black was good, and it made you laugh. Star Wars, even though it was out in the spring, was also good, and it made you cheer.

There were also a lot of shoot-'em-up movies like Face/Off, Executive Pardon, Air Force One, and Convict Plane Crash, but I didn't see any of them because I think Hollywood has been glorifying violence a bit too much lately. Boycotting those movies was my way of saying, "Hey, Hollywood—enough with the guns! How about a nice movie about a young couple in love?" Now that the summer is over, though, I have to rent Air Force One, because I'm dying to see how Harrison Ford does as The President of the United States. I hope he sticks it to those Russkies!

Has anyone out there found a garlic press that is durable, smart-looking, and fun to use? The best I've been able to find is one with two out of the three!

Item! Rumors are floating around like leaves in a Hollywood pool that superstars Shelley Winters, Ernest Borgnine, and Gene "Lex Luthor" Hackman may be reuniting to shoot a remake of The Poseidon Adventure to be directed by superdirector James "Alien 3" Cameron. Now, as most of you know, I am one big Shelley Winters fan. I mean, I was first in line to see Jury Duty just because she was in it, so I am very excited to see her in a remake of the film in which I first saw her method-acting greatness shine. Mr. Cameron, if you are reading this, here's a bit of advice on how to make this version all the better: Let Shelley live this time! More Shelley means more cinematic greatness!

Item! Speaking of underwater adventures, Dallas star Patrick Duffy is going to be starring as an underwater hero in the vein of the Sub Mariner or the mighty Aquaman. The show, called The Man From Atlantis, will be shown on the Sci-Fi Channel... A darn good reason to get cable if you don't have it already!

Hey, Hollywood, give us more Selma Hayek! It's what we want, as if you weren't able to ascertain that. Yes, I know I said that about Cameron Diaz last year, but this time it's different!

Speaking of the good old days, what ever happened to those old radio shows you used to find on tape at every dime store? I'd love to get some of those Fibber McGee & Molly shows! The old closet routine, what a scream!

Why does the telephone always ring just as I'm about to get in the shower? Well, that's not entirely true. I've taken many showers without the phone ringing, and the phone has rung many times when I wasn't in the shower. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's really annoying when the two events coincide, and it happens frequently enough for me to comment on it. Does that make sense?

Still no word on who's going to get the plum role of Chip in the new My Three Sons movie, but the minute there's any news, I'll be bringing it to you.

I hate to end columns with bad news, but good, hard-working people keep on dying. I am, of course, referring to Princess Diana, the people's princess, who uplifted the world by visiting people with AIDS and selling the dresses off her back to raise money for charity. She died in a horrible car crash that involved alcohol, so please, let this be a lesson to all of you: Don't drink and drive!

Also, master songster Elton John wrote a song about Diana's tragic death called "Like A Candle In The Wind," which is a deep metaphor that says that the brightest flames (Diana) burn out (die) tragically young because they are frail (fragile) and the wind (car crashes) takes them away (kills them). Go be the first in your town to own a copy of this gem. The money goes to cover Diana's funeral costs, a good cause if there ever was one.

Well, until next time, this is Jackie Harvey bringing you the Outside Scoop!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close