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I'm No David Swimmer, But Then Again, Who Is?

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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I'm No David Swimmer, But Then Again, Who Is?

Item! Nice-guy dreamboat and good "Friend" David Swimmer treated his gal pal to a romance the old-fashioned way... They went on a cruise! My good sources tell me that Swimmer went on a Jamaican cruise with his as-yet-anonymous girlfriend. They had a ball, playing shuffleboard in the daytime and dancing the evenings away. So, the good news is that he's a nice guy and a real gentleman, but the bad news, ladies, is that he's off the market. If you're really looking for romance, though, you might want to give a certain Hollywood columnist a call. I mean, I'm no David Swimmer, but I sure don't mind giving it my best shot!

Item! Did someone say movies? Well, this summer sure was a great one for enjoying the savory fruits of the Hollywood dream factory. I didn't get a chance to see them all, but here's a wrap-up of the stuff that I did manage to take in...

We had some heavy, hard-hitting movies in the aliens department: Contact was good, and it made you think. Men In Black was good, and it made you laugh. Star Wars, even though it was out in the spring, was also good, and it made you cheer.

There were also a lot of shoot-'em-up movies like Face/Off, Executive Pardon, Air Force One, and Convict Plane Crash, but I didn't see any of them because I think Hollywood has been glorifying violence a bit too much lately. Boycotting those movies was my way of saying, "Hey, Hollywood—enough with the guns! How about a nice movie about a young couple in love?" Now that the summer is over, though, I have to rent Air Force One, because I'm dying to see how Harrison Ford does as The President of the United States. I hope he sticks it to those Russkies!

Has anyone out there found a garlic press that is durable, smart-looking, and fun to use? The best I've been able to find is one with two out of the three!

Item! Rumors are floating around like leaves in a Hollywood pool that superstars Shelley Winters, Ernest Borgnine, and Gene "Lex Luthor" Hackman may be reuniting to shoot a remake of The Poseidon Adventure to be directed by superdirector James "Alien 3" Cameron. Now, as most of you know, I am one big Shelley Winters fan. I mean, I was first in line to see Jury Duty just because she was in it, so I am very excited to see her in a remake of the film in which I first saw her method-acting greatness shine. Mr. Cameron, if you are reading this, here's a bit of advice on how to make this version all the better: Let Shelley live this time! More Shelley means more cinematic greatness!

Item! Speaking of underwater adventures, Dallas star Patrick Duffy is going to be starring as an underwater hero in the vein of the Sub Mariner or the mighty Aquaman. The show, called The Man From Atlantis, will be shown on the Sci-Fi Channel... A darn good reason to get cable if you don't have it already!

Hey, Hollywood, give us more Selma Hayek! It's what we want, as if you weren't able to ascertain that. Yes, I know I said that about Cameron Diaz last year, but this time it's different!

Speaking of the good old days, what ever happened to those old radio shows you used to find on tape at every dime store? I'd love to get some of those Fibber McGee & Molly shows! The old closet routine, what a scream!

Why does the telephone always ring just as I'm about to get in the shower? Well, that's not entirely true. I've taken many showers without the phone ringing, and the phone has rung many times when I wasn't in the shower. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's really annoying when the two events coincide, and it happens frequently enough for me to comment on it. Does that make sense?

Still no word on who's going to get the plum role of Chip in the new My Three Sons movie, but the minute there's any news, I'll be bringing it to you.

I hate to end columns with bad news, but good, hard-working people keep on dying. I am, of course, referring to Princess Diana, the people's princess, who uplifted the world by visiting people with AIDS and selling the dresses off her back to raise money for charity. She died in a horrible car crash that involved alcohol, so please, let this be a lesson to all of you: Don't drink and drive!

Also, master songster Elton John wrote a song about Diana's tragic death called "Like A Candle In The Wind," which is a deep metaphor that says that the brightest flames (Diana) burn out (die) tragically young because they are frail (fragile) and the wind (car crashes) takes them away (kills them). Go be the first in your town to own a copy of this gem. The money goes to cover Diana's funeral costs, a good cause if there ever was one.

Well, until next time, this is Jackie Harvey bringing you the Outside Scoop!

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