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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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I'm No Tali-fan!

Item! Terrorism has hit these shores, and I for one am ready to put my foot down and say enough! I don't care if I become a target for terror as a result of my stance. I think this is the time for action, not silence. So I've put an American flag on my car, one on my mailbox, and one on my dog. Take that, Osama Ben Laden!

Does Osama have any idea just how many millions of Americans strongly support America? If he ever came here and saw all the flags on every street, he'd quickly find out. Then he'd go running back to wherever it is he came from! And, hey, just how is that name spelled, anyway? I've seen Osama and Ossama and Usama. Here's a suggestion for the media: Spell it J-E-R-K.

I don't know about you, but I must have eaten my weight in peanut-butter sandwiches over the past month or so.

All this terrorism and war has really put a damper on the Emmy Awards. They were scheduled twice and canceled twice. But in true American fashion, the Emmy people have decided that the show must go on! And so it will, sometime in late November, I think. In case you want one person's opinion on what to expect, assuming they happen (or haven't already happened), take out your scorecards and get ready for Jackie Harvey's 2001 Emmy Prediction Picks!

Best Drama Series? Let's look at the nominees. They are ER, Law And Order, Tony Soprano, Practice Makes Perfect, and West Wings. Well, before Sept. 11, I would've said ER, if only for their bold choice of going widescreen. However, I think nowadays the nation needs the healing, calming influence of our other president, Josiah Bartlett. I predict the academy will keep this in mind and give Commander-In-Chief Bartlett the big gold one. Tony Soprano is okay, but it has a bit too much harsh language for me to endorse it.

For Best Actress In A Movie Or Miniseries, look no further than Sir Judi Dench. I'm pretty sure she's been nominated.

And for Best Actress In A Drama Series? Please! It could only be Eileen Brenneman from Chasing Amy. I picked her because a girl in my high school had the same name, and she was pretty nice. Well, that wasn't the only reason, but it was a pretty big factor.

And if this isn't Becker's year for Best Comedy Show, I may stop watching the Emmys altogether. (Aw, who am I kidding? Emmy, I'd never turn you away!)

That's all the advice I feel comfortable giving you, because for all I know, you might be in an Emmy Pool against me!

Have you heard about this "Terror Sex"? I understand it was a big thing for a while after the tragedy. Otherwise, why would Salon have run an article about it? I guess it makes sense that people would do that. After all, in the words of Stephen Crosby-Stills, if you can't be with the one you love in times of international terrorism, love the one you're with.

Item! I'm just wild about Harry! Harry Potter, that is! Okay, so I've never read any of the books, and I haven't seen the movie. But there's so much hullabaloo surrounding it all, I'm quite certain that if I had read the books or seen the movie, I'd be wild enough about Harry for that clever play on words to be true.

It looks like those reality-TV shows are really taking a whomping from those old-fashioned regular-TV shows. After Rudy and the Wisconsin truck-driving woman with the huge husband squared off on Survivor I and racy bartendress Kimmi was booted off Survivor II, I lost all interest. Who's going to win Temptation Island 2? I am... because I'm not watching!

Item! Britney Spears' new album is due out soon, and rumor has it we can look forward to a sexy image makeover from the young singing sensation! I don't know about you, but I can't wait to see what she's got in store for us!

You know how the New York Police Department is abbreviated NYPD? Well, I was surprised to find out that the fire department is the FDNY, not the NYFD. Funny how that works.

Item! Kevin Spacey has a new movie out. It's called K-PAX, and the verdict is... it's K-OK! I saw it over the weekend, and Spacey really delivers, looking up at the stars in wide-eyed wonderment. He also smiles a lot, in this really wise way that tells you that he understands the human spirit. It's great to see somebody doing that sort of thing now that Robin Williams has disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Anyway, I usually use my last paragraph, or "graph" as we call it in the biz, to give you a teaser for my next column. Instead, I'm using it to make an urgent plea to check out a show on Broadway. They could really use your support. Hey, for $115 plus service charge, where else can you see stars like Reba McEntire and Tom Wopat whoop it up in Annie Get Your Gun? Or Bernadette Peters in whatever she's starring in these days? Nowhere except New York City! So if you're in the area, go see a show. It's the most patriotic thing you can do short of enlisting in the armed services.

And the Red Cross could still use your blood! Please donate now if you haven't already. I'd do it myself, but I faint at the sight of a needle.

Well, that's it for now. So keep 'em waving, men and women, boys and girls. And remember: America is still number one for ringing freedom and waving wheat fields and fruited plains and pie. Not just apple, but every kind of pie! See you next time... on the outside!

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