I'm No Tali-fan!

In This Section

Vol 37 Issue 40

Flood Of Cheap Afghan Heroin To Arrive Just In Time For Recession

NEW YORK—The nation's smack addicts received welcome news Monday, when The Wall Street Journal reported that the war in Afghanistan has opened the floodgates for cheap Afghan heroin, just in time for the coming recession. "Even if their stock portfolios are dwindling, America's junkies can take heart in the fact that the Taliban is embarking on a massive heroin sell-off, slashing prices dramatically," Wall Street Journal reporter Tom Petzinger said. "So even if GE drops to $20 a share, keep in mind that heroin has dropped to $50 a gram." Ed Evans, a recently laid-off Detroit auto worker and longtime heroin addict, called the report "real great, uh, that's unnnnhhf..."

Actor's Parents Proud He's Playing A Doctor

SOUTHFIELD, MI—Gail and Milt Greenblatt, parents of soap-opera star Brett Green, are beaming with pride that their son is a doctor on ABC's All My Children. "Dr. Cord Montgomery graduated from Harvard Medical School at the top of his class," Gail told a neighbor Monday. "What's more, he's the youngest surgeon at Pine Valley's top hospital." Milt expressed relief that his son has left behind the "rough crowd" he ran with last fall as a bully on Gilmore Girls.

JCPenney Abandons 45-Second Sale

PLANO, TX—JCPenney announced Monday that it is discontinuing its "45-Second Sale," in which all store items are 60 percent off from 1:00:00 p.m. to 1:00:45 p.m. "The 45-second sale drew very strong customer response," JCPenney CEO Allen Questrom said Monday. "Regrettably, only a handful of shoppers actually got to capitalize on our fantastic bargains due to the horrific injuries they sustained during the cashier stampede." In the future, Questrom said, JCPenney sales would be two minutes long at an absolute minimum.

Weird Coworker Apparently Likes Walking Two Miles To Work Every Day

SACRAMENTO, CA—Despite owning a car and receiving frequent offers of rides from coworkers, State Farm Insurance claims adjuster Jonathan Kiel inexplicably prefers to make the daily two-mile trek to work on foot. "I know he's got a car, and he certainly earns enough for a monthly bus pass," coworker Colin Damrush said, "but for some freaky, mind-boggling reason, he insists on walking a distance of almost two miles every day—to and from work." Damrush said he and others in the office suspect Kiel is part of "some weird Luddite cult."

If I Don't Get My Medium-Rare Shell Steak With Roasted Vegetables In The Next 10 Minutes, The Terrorists Have Already Won

Waitress, I realize you're very busy and, no doubt, you have a lot on your mind. God knows, everyone does these days. But what this country needs right now is a return to normalcy. We need to work, laugh, and eat the way we did before Sept. 11. That's why it's absolutely vital that I get my medium-rare shell steak with roasted vegetables in the next 10 minutes. Because if I don't, well, then the terrorists have already won.

Ashcroft's Vague Warnings

U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft has issued several vague warnings of "credible threats" of terrorism, urging Americans to stay on alert. What do you think?

Oprah Makes A Correction

Oprah Winfrey recently withdrew her selection of Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections for her book club. What did Franzen do to get dropped?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holiday

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

I'm No Tali-fan!

Item! Terrorism has hit these shores, and I for one am ready to put my foot down and say enough! I don't care if I become a target for terror as a result of my stance. I think this is the time for action, not silence. So I've put an American flag on my car, one on my mailbox, and one on my dog. Take that, Osama Ben Laden!

Does Osama have any idea just how many millions of Americans strongly support America? If he ever came here and saw all the flags on every street, he'd quickly find out. Then he'd go running back to wherever it is he came from! And, hey, just how is that name spelled, anyway? I've seen Osama and Ossama and Usama. Here's a suggestion for the media: Spell it J-E-R-K.

I don't know about you, but I must have eaten my weight in peanut-butter sandwiches over the past month or so.

All this terrorism and war has really put a damper on the Emmy Awards. They were scheduled twice and canceled twice. But in true American fashion, the Emmy people have decided that the show must go on! And so it will, sometime in late November, I think. In case you want one person's opinion on what to expect, assuming they happen (or haven't already happened), take out your scorecards and get ready for Jackie Harvey's 2001 Emmy Prediction Picks!

Best Drama Series? Let's look at the nominees. They are ER, Law And Order, Tony Soprano, Practice Makes Perfect, and West Wings. Well, before Sept. 11, I would've said ER, if only for their bold choice of going widescreen. However, I think nowadays the nation needs the healing, calming influence of our other president, Josiah Bartlett. I predict the academy will keep this in mind and give Commander-In-Chief Bartlett the big gold one. Tony Soprano is okay, but it has a bit too much harsh language for me to endorse it.

For Best Actress In A Movie Or Miniseries, look no further than Sir Judi Dench. I'm pretty sure she's been nominated.

And for Best Actress In A Drama Series? Please! It could only be Eileen Brenneman from Chasing Amy. I picked her because a girl in my high school had the same name, and she was pretty nice. Well, that wasn't the only reason, but it was a pretty big factor.

And if this isn't Becker's year for Best Comedy Show, I may stop watching the Emmys altogether. (Aw, who am I kidding? Emmy, I'd never turn you away!)

That's all the advice I feel comfortable giving you, because for all I know, you might be in an Emmy Pool against me!

Have you heard about this "Terror Sex"? I understand it was a big thing for a while after the tragedy. Otherwise, why would Salon have run an article about it? I guess it makes sense that people would do that. After all, in the words of Stephen Crosby-Stills, if you can't be with the one you love in times of international terrorism, love the one you're with.

Item! I'm just wild about Harry! Harry Potter, that is! Okay, so I've never read any of the books, and I haven't seen the movie. But there's so much hullabaloo surrounding it all, I'm quite certain that if I had read the books or seen the movie, I'd be wild enough about Harry for that clever play on words to be true.

It looks like those reality-TV shows are really taking a whomping from those old-fashioned regular-TV shows. After Rudy and the Wisconsin truck-driving woman with the huge husband squared off on Survivor I and racy bartendress Kimmi was booted off Survivor II, I lost all interest. Who's going to win Temptation Island 2? I am... because I'm not watching!

Item! Britney Spears' new album is due out soon, and rumor has it we can look forward to a sexy image makeover from the young singing sensation! I don't know about you, but I can't wait to see what she's got in store for us!

You know how the New York Police Department is abbreviated NYPD? Well, I was surprised to find out that the fire department is the FDNY, not the NYFD. Funny how that works.

Item! Kevin Spacey has a new movie out. It's called K-PAX, and the verdict is... it's K-OK! I saw it over the weekend, and Spacey really delivers, looking up at the stars in wide-eyed wonderment. He also smiles a lot, in this really wise way that tells you that he understands the human spirit. It's great to see somebody doing that sort of thing now that Robin Williams has disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Anyway, I usually use my last paragraph, or "graph" as we call it in the biz, to give you a teaser for my next column. Instead, I'm using it to make an urgent plea to check out a show on Broadway. They could really use your support. Hey, for $115 plus service charge, where else can you see stars like Reba McEntire and Tom Wopat whoop it up in Annie Get Your Gun? Or Bernadette Peters in whatever she's starring in these days? Nowhere except New York City! So if you're in the area, go see a show. It's the most patriotic thing you can do short of enlisting in the armed services.

And the Red Cross could still use your blood! Please donate now if you haven't already. I'd do it myself, but I faint at the sight of a needle.

Well, that's it for now. So keep 'em waving, men and women, boys and girls. And remember: America is still number one for ringing freedom and waving wheat fields and fruited plains and pie. Not just apple, but every kind of pie! See you next time... on the outside!

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More