I'm No Tali-fan!

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

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I'm No Tali-fan!

Item! Terrorism has hit these shores, and I for one am ready to put my foot down and say enough! I don't care if I become a target for terror as a result of my stance. I think this is the time for action, not silence. So I've put an American flag on my car, one on my mailbox, and one on my dog. Take that, Osama Ben Laden!

Does Osama have any idea just how many millions of Americans strongly support America? If he ever came here and saw all the flags on every street, he'd quickly find out. Then he'd go running back to wherever it is he came from! And, hey, just how is that name spelled, anyway? I've seen Osama and Ossama and Usama. Here's a suggestion for the media: Spell it J-E-R-K.

I don't know about you, but I must have eaten my weight in peanut-butter sandwiches over the past month or so.

All this terrorism and war has really put a damper on the Emmy Awards. They were scheduled twice and canceled twice. But in true American fashion, the Emmy people have decided that the show must go on! And so it will, sometime in late November, I think. In case you want one person's opinion on what to expect, assuming they happen (or haven't already happened), take out your scorecards and get ready for Jackie Harvey's 2001 Emmy Prediction Picks!

Best Drama Series? Let's look at the nominees. They are ER, Law And Order, Tony Soprano, Practice Makes Perfect, and West Wings. Well, before Sept. 11, I would've said ER, if only for their bold choice of going widescreen. However, I think nowadays the nation needs the healing, calming influence of our other president, Josiah Bartlett. I predict the academy will keep this in mind and give Commander-In-Chief Bartlett the big gold one. Tony Soprano is okay, but it has a bit too much harsh language for me to endorse it.

For Best Actress In A Movie Or Miniseries, look no further than Sir Judi Dench. I'm pretty sure she's been nominated.

And for Best Actress In A Drama Series? Please! It could only be Eileen Brenneman from Chasing Amy. I picked her because a girl in my high school had the same name, and she was pretty nice. Well, that wasn't the only reason, but it was a pretty big factor.

And if this isn't Becker's year for Best Comedy Show, I may stop watching the Emmys altogether. (Aw, who am I kidding? Emmy, I'd never turn you away!)

That's all the advice I feel comfortable giving you, because for all I know, you might be in an Emmy Pool against me!

Have you heard about this "Terror Sex"? I understand it was a big thing for a while after the tragedy. Otherwise, why would Salon have run an article about it? I guess it makes sense that people would do that. After all, in the words of Stephen Crosby-Stills, if you can't be with the one you love in times of international terrorism, love the one you're with.

Item! I'm just wild about Harry! Harry Potter, that is! Okay, so I've never read any of the books, and I haven't seen the movie. But there's so much hullabaloo surrounding it all, I'm quite certain that if I had read the books or seen the movie, I'd be wild enough about Harry for that clever play on words to be true.

It looks like those reality-TV shows are really taking a whomping from those old-fashioned regular-TV shows. After Rudy and the Wisconsin truck-driving woman with the huge husband squared off on Survivor I and racy bartendress Kimmi was booted off Survivor II, I lost all interest. Who's going to win Temptation Island 2? I am... because I'm not watching!

Item! Britney Spears' new album is due out soon, and rumor has it we can look forward to a sexy image makeover from the young singing sensation! I don't know about you, but I can't wait to see what she's got in store for us!

You know how the New York Police Department is abbreviated NYPD? Well, I was surprised to find out that the fire department is the FDNY, not the NYFD. Funny how that works.

Item! Kevin Spacey has a new movie out. It's called K-PAX, and the verdict is... it's K-OK! I saw it over the weekend, and Spacey really delivers, looking up at the stars in wide-eyed wonderment. He also smiles a lot, in this really wise way that tells you that he understands the human spirit. It's great to see somebody doing that sort of thing now that Robin Williams has disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Anyway, I usually use my last paragraph, or "graph" as we call it in the biz, to give you a teaser for my next column. Instead, I'm using it to make an urgent plea to check out a show on Broadway. They could really use your support. Hey, for $115 plus service charge, where else can you see stars like Reba McEntire and Tom Wopat whoop it up in Annie Get Your Gun? Or Bernadette Peters in whatever she's starring in these days? Nowhere except New York City! So if you're in the area, go see a show. It's the most patriotic thing you can do short of enlisting in the armed services.

And the Red Cross could still use your blood! Please donate now if you haven't already. I'd do it myself, but I faint at the sight of a needle.

Well, that's it for now. So keep 'em waving, men and women, boys and girls. And remember: America is still number one for ringing freedom and waving wheat fields and fruited plains and pie. Not just apple, but every kind of pie! See you next time... on the outside!