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I'm Not Locked Into This 5.75% 30-Year F.R.M. With You—You're Locked Into This 5.75% 30-Year F.R.M. With Me

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I'm Not Locked Into This 5.75% 30-Year F.R.M. With You—You're Locked Into This 5.75% 30-Year F.R.M. With Me

And all I have to do is to sign on the dotted line... and initial there... and there... and there. What? Oh, right. I forgot to sign there. No problem. This pen still has plenty of ink. There! All finished.

Now that that's all squared away, there's something you should know. Whatever you thought about me, you got it all wrong. I didn't come here looking to make nice. I came here because I had to. And now that I got what I want, you and I should arrive at an understanding, Mister Banker Man. I'm not locked into this 5.75-percent, 30-year, fixed-rate mortgage with you. You're locked into this 5.75-percent, 30-year, fixed-rate mortgage with me.

You might think that just because you're lending me money to buy my first home, I'm gonna kiss your ass and play toady to some underwriter. Think again, pencil pusher.

I'm not like those other loan applicants that sit at your feet, sniveling and begging for money. I'm loco. I don't give a fuck. Look into my eyes and tell me what you see. Yeah, I'm one crazy, money-borrowing son of a bitch.

You want to test me? Huh? Try coming at me with some sort of acceleration clause. I'll lose my shirt and get all up in your bank's face.

This contract here? Means nothing to me. Nothing. Some months, I might refuse to pay you the sums that were agreed upon in the terms of the loan. Other months, I might pay five times the amount due. Sometimes, I'll race in 30 seconds before the bank closes and make my payment all in one-dollar bills. Yeah, this little borrower is a problem you're going to be dealing with long after closing. Thirty years, to be exact, assuming I don't flip out and default on that loan.

A guy would have to be crazy to try something like that, is that what you're thinking? Brother, I'm your worst nightmare. Sure, I have a job that pays well right now. You know that—you verified my employment history. But who's to say I'm going to have that job next year, next month, or next week? Hey, I might not even have it tomorrow. In fact, I'm feeling like I might just call my boss and tell him off right now. Can I borrow your phone? No problem. I have my cell.

Psyche! See, you've gotta be on your toes around me. How can I take you seriously if you frighten that easily?

Hey, nice try. Amortization! Ah, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. My payments are just where I want them. I didn't walk into this situation blind. Let me explain something to you, hopefully for the very last time, because I am this close to going off the deep end and refinancing this loan.

You think I'm jerking you around? You keep flapping your lips about a second appraisal of the property, and you'll see some real jerking around, Pedro.

I'm gonna back out of this office real nice and quiet, and we're both gonna make believe this little meeting never took place. Just remember, though, I'm watching you. If I see one black mark on my credit report—if my score dips a single point below 700—I'm coming down on you harder than a ton of bricks.

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