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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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I'm Not Locked Into This 5.75% 30-Year F.R.M. With You—You're Locked Into This 5.75% 30-Year F.R.M. With Me

And all I have to do is to sign on the dotted line... and initial there... and there... and there. What? Oh, right. I forgot to sign there. No problem. This pen still has plenty of ink. There! All finished.

Now that that's all squared away, there's something you should know. Whatever you thought about me, you got it all wrong. I didn't come here looking to make nice. I came here because I had to. And now that I got what I want, you and I should arrive at an understanding, Mister Banker Man. I'm not locked into this 5.75-percent, 30-year, fixed-rate mortgage with you. You're locked into this 5.75-percent, 30-year, fixed-rate mortgage with me.

You might think that just because you're lending me money to buy my first home, I'm gonna kiss your ass and play toady to some underwriter. Think again, pencil pusher.

I'm not like those other loan applicants that sit at your feet, sniveling and begging for money. I'm loco. I don't give a fuck. Look into my eyes and tell me what you see. Yeah, I'm one crazy, money-borrowing son of a bitch.

You want to test me? Huh? Try coming at me with some sort of acceleration clause. I'll lose my shirt and get all up in your bank's face.

This contract here? Means nothing to me. Nothing. Some months, I might refuse to pay you the sums that were agreed upon in the terms of the loan. Other months, I might pay five times the amount due. Sometimes, I'll race in 30 seconds before the bank closes and make my payment all in one-dollar bills. Yeah, this little borrower is a problem you're going to be dealing with long after closing. Thirty years, to be exact, assuming I don't flip out and default on that loan.

A guy would have to be crazy to try something like that, is that what you're thinking? Brother, I'm your worst nightmare. Sure, I have a job that pays well right now. You know that—you verified my employment history. But who's to say I'm going to have that job next year, next month, or next week? Hey, I might not even have it tomorrow. In fact, I'm feeling like I might just call my boss and tell him off right now. Can I borrow your phone? No problem. I have my cell.

Psyche! See, you've gotta be on your toes around me. How can I take you seriously if you frighten that easily?

Hey, nice try. Amortization! Ah, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. My payments are just where I want them. I didn't walk into this situation blind. Let me explain something to you, hopefully for the very last time, because I am this close to going off the deep end and refinancing this loan.

You think I'm jerking you around? You keep flapping your lips about a second appraisal of the property, and you'll see some real jerking around, Pedro.

I'm gonna back out of this office real nice and quiet, and we're both gonna make believe this little meeting never took place. Just remember, though, I'm watching you. If I see one black mark on my credit report—if my score dips a single point below 700—I'm coming down on you harder than a ton of bricks.

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