I'm Not One Of Those People Who Goes Around Having Fun

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Vol 39 Issue 32

Criminal Mad That Man Called The Cops On Him

OAKLAND, CA—Ben Patton, arrested Monday, said he was angry that a passerby reported him to the police. "I'm minding my own fucking business, crowbarring the door off of a Radio Shack, and some punk drives by and calls 911 on his cell phone," Patton said. "If it was his car I was breaking into, I could see him getting involved, but this is bullshit." While in custody, Patton added that he wishes he had noted the color and model of the informant's car, so he could express his irritation to the driver in person.

Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again

ABERDEEN, WA—Volunteers at the Helping Heart Crisis Hotline announced Tuesday that Candice Knoff, 25, is on the phone with her attention-starved ex-boyfriend Tony Hewitt again. "Tony always calls right after he runs into Candy on the street," said Jeanne Teal, one of Knoff's coworkers. "He spends an hour going on and on about how he's been so depressed ever since they broke up, even though it's been like a year. I can always tell it's him, because Candy'll be over there rolling her eyes the entire call." According to the other volunteers, Hewitt has called the hotline at least once a week for the past year, except in March and April when he was dating a waitress he met in Olympia.

Woman Assures Friend She Has Blackouts From Drinking All The Time

COLUMBUS, OH—When Yolanda Franks expressed concern that friend Becky O'Neill couldn't remember the second half of an apartment-warming party Saturday, O'Neill assured her that she has blackouts all the time. "It's no big deal," O'Neill said Tuesday. "Sure, I had a bit too much too drink, but I got to work Monday fine. No need to worry." O'Neill added that she just shakes off her frequent blackouts, as she does the occasional unplanned pregnancy.

Bob Hope Happy To See So Many Troops In Heaven

HEAVEN—Recently deceased entertainer Bob Hope announced Monday that he was happy to be reunited with the millions of U.S. troops currently stationed in Paradise, many of whom he entertained during his 50-year career. "It sure brings a smile to my face to see all you proud men and women in uniform," Hope said. "Let's hope the food is better here than it was in the mess tent." Turning to the Pearly Gates, Hope gave a thumbs-up to a soldier killed Monday in a guerrilla attack 20 miles west of Baghdad.

Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder

WASHINGTON, DC—Pointing to massive war-time tax cuts, physicians from the Congressional Budget Office diagnosed President Bush with attention-to-deficit disorder Tuesday. "The president exhibits all the symptoms of ATDD: impulsiveness, restlessness, inability to focus on mounting U.S. debt likely to reach $400 billion by the year's end," Dr. Terrence Spellman said. "Failing to address his affliction could lead to serious long-term fiscal health problems for future generations of Americans." To treat the president's ATDD, Spellman prescribed Ritalin and an introductory course in high-school economics.

Canadian Prescription Drugs

Major drug manufacturers are attempting to stop Canadian pharmacies from selling discounted prescription drugs to Americans. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Family

I'm Not One Of Those People Who Goes Around Having Fun

So, you're all going out tonight after work for a few drinks at the bar down the street? Well, thanks for the invite, but no, thanks. Fraternization with coworkers may be fun, but let me make one thing clear: I'm not one of those people who goes around having fun.

I know you people like to gather around Laura's work station and joke about the sign on the copy machine or the socks the FedEx man wears. I'm sure it's really enjoyable. I'm sure you all have a good time. As for me, I just can't relate to the way people attempt to enrich their lives with social interaction. I, for one, have better things to do with my time. You know, like the work we get paid to do?

While you're all chattering away, filling each other's heads with office gossip, I'm using my time constructively. I'm not running around, shooting my mouth off, telling jokes, and schmoozing. There are files to be filed, papers to be sorted, proposals to be written. Idle hands are the devil's tools, and I'm certainly not going to let them lead me down the road to delighting myself.

I notice you all seem to get a kick out of Larry's antics. That's fine for Larry, I guess. But you won't see me running around, saying "Everyone, pay attention to me! I am not a robot! I have a need to interact with others." No, I will be in my office, in my chair, with both of my feet on the floor under my desk.

Why spend time frivolously when there are tasks and problems in the world? If everyone thought that having fun was a worthwhile endeavor, nothing of import would ever be accomplished. Everyone would be playing games or appreciating music or reading glossy four-color magazines. Meanwhile, the whole world would fall apart. Well, I won't be party to the downfall of mankind through wanton acts of indiscreet enjoyment.

My time is too valuable to be spent indulging in lighthearted activities that "increase the quality of my life." Life is meant for living meticulously, not for the trifles of gratifying amusement. So, no, I don't care to sign the card for Sheila.

Have you ever seen me goof off? No, you haven't. I don't go for that namby-pamby personal happiness. For me, there is nothing quite like an evening at home balancing my checkbook or scrubbing the grout between my bathroom tiles. That is what it means to be human: to finish chores.

True, you all seem to derive enjoyment from bonding with your fellow man. Well, leave me out of it. I'll take an evening of hard work and intense concentration any day.

You may have a need to form relationships with other humans, and participate in the community at large, but I am well above such trivialities. It's just not my style to engage others in a mutually enjoyable interchange of thoughts or ideas.

I know my words are falling on deaf ears. I don't expect to change any minds with my little speech here. I just want to give you something to ponder tonight as you're out there indulging in senseless, non-constructive recreation. Perhaps someday you'll see the wisdom of what I'm saying. As for now, just go on without me and have your "fun."

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