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I'm Not One Of Those People Who Goes Around Having Fun

So, you're all going out tonight after work for a few drinks at the bar down the street? Well, thanks for the invite, but no, thanks. Fraternization with coworkers may be fun, but let me make one thing clear: I'm not one of those people who goes around having fun.

I know you people like to gather around Laura's work station and joke about the sign on the copy machine or the socks the FedEx man wears. I'm sure it's really enjoyable. I'm sure you all have a good time. As for me, I just can't relate to the way people attempt to enrich their lives with social interaction. I, for one, have better things to do with my time. You know, like the work we get paid to do?

While you're all chattering away, filling each other's heads with office gossip, I'm using my time constructively. I'm not running around, shooting my mouth off, telling jokes, and schmoozing. There are files to be filed, papers to be sorted, proposals to be written. Idle hands are the devil's tools, and I'm certainly not going to let them lead me down the road to delighting myself.

I notice you all seem to get a kick out of Larry's antics. That's fine for Larry, I guess. But you won't see me running around, saying "Everyone, pay attention to me! I am not a robot! I have a need to interact with others." No, I will be in my office, in my chair, with both of my feet on the floor under my desk.

Why spend time frivolously when there are tasks and problems in the world? If everyone thought that having fun was a worthwhile endeavor, nothing of import would ever be accomplished. Everyone would be playing games or appreciating music or reading glossy four-color magazines. Meanwhile, the whole world would fall apart. Well, I won't be party to the downfall of mankind through wanton acts of indiscreet enjoyment.

My time is too valuable to be spent indulging in lighthearted activities that "increase the quality of my life." Life is meant for living meticulously, not for the trifles of gratifying amusement. So, no, I don't care to sign the card for Sheila.

Have you ever seen me goof off? No, you haven't. I don't go for that namby-pamby personal happiness. For me, there is nothing quite like an evening at home balancing my checkbook or scrubbing the grout between my bathroom tiles. That is what it means to be human: to finish chores.

True, you all seem to derive enjoyment from bonding with your fellow man. Well, leave me out of it. I'll take an evening of hard work and intense concentration any day.

You may have a need to form relationships with other humans, and participate in the community at large, but I am well above such trivialities. It's just not my style to engage others in a mutually enjoyable interchange of thoughts or ideas.

I know my words are falling on deaf ears. I don't expect to change any minds with my little speech here. I just want to give you something to ponder tonight as you're out there indulging in senseless, non-constructive recreation. Perhaps someday you'll see the wisdom of what I'm saying. As for now, just go on without me and have your "fun."

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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