I'm Not Sure If I Know How To Treat A Lady

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Vol 40 Issue 23

Boss' Threats Hilarious

KNOXVILLE, TN—Employees working under Champion Direct Marketing manager Dale Farner found his threats during a Monday meeting hysterical, sources told reporters. "If you like your job here, you'll start to shape up," Farner said, reprimanding a group of his underlings working in CDM's basement offices. "You think your jobs are guaranteed? Think again. I can replace any one of you, just like that. There are plenty of folks out there who would take pride in telephone sales." The employees, most of whom will quit before the end of summer, broke into giggles when Farner threatened to cancel the staff summer picnic.

Leno's Voicemail Message Pauses For Laughter

LOS ANGELES—Tonight Show host Jay Leno's home outgoing voicemail message stops briefly to allow for audience laughter, sources reported Monday. "You have reached the home of Mavis and Jay Leno, and if you don't know what to do by now, then you've got bigger problems than Martha Stewart,'" said Leno's recording, followed by a five-second silence. "But seriously, callers, at the beep, leave a message." After a short pause, Leno's message concluded, "Am I right?"

Congress Launches National Congress-Awareness Week

WASHINGTON, DC—Hoping to counter ignorance of the national legislative body among U.S. citizens, congressional leaders named the first week in August National Congress Awareness Week. "This special week is designed to call attention to America's very important federal lawmaking body," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said. "At least three citizens in every state, and as many as 55 in California, presently have some form of congressional duty, whether it's as a senator or as a representative." The festivities will kick off with a 10-mile Walk for Congress Awareness, when blue ribbons will be handed out in honor of those who served in the first 107 congresses.

Reagan To Be Honored With $5,000-A-Head Funeral

WASHINGTON, DC—Former President Ronald Reagan will be honored with five days of memorial services, culminating in a $5,000 a head funeral in Washington's National Cathedral Friday, Paul Darlington, a spokesman for the Bush re-election campaign, said Monday. "At 5:15 p.m. EST, former President Reagan will be escorted from the U.S. Capitol and received with ceremony at the Washington National Cathedral, where a dinner of baby arugula, roast beef, and herbed red potatoes will commence," Darlington said. "As Reagan lies in repose, a host of leading Republican party members will be available for photo opportunities. President Bush, who will deliver a eulogy at the close of the solemn gathering, is urging all Americans to dig deep into their hearts to honor this great leader." Several thousand people are expected to pay their respects.

Guys' Night Out To Include Several Key Non-Guys

COLUMBUS, OH—Though buddies Jim Foglia, Chuck Harvestine, and Russell Vento insisted that Thursday will be a "guys night out," certain key non-guys are likely to be in attendance, sources reported Tuesday. "Honey, we're just going to be drinking beer and talking about the Reds—nothing you'd be interested in," Foglia told his wife Emily, withholding information regarding specific plans to begin the night buying drinks for college girls at the Varsity Club. "Maybe we'll stop for burgers afterward, I don't know." Based on previous "guys' nights," the trio will more likely end the night in the company of non-male lap dancers at the Vroom Vroom Room.

Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References

STORRS, CT—University of Connecticut sophomore Aaron Bennett, 20, was found dead of an apparent sleeping-pill overdose in his campus-area apartment Saturday, a suicide note riddled with references to the popular TV show The Simpsons on his desk.

Jim Anchower's All About Living Life To The Fullest

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been spending a lotta time quietly reflecting on all the things going on in my life. First off, I got shitcanned from my job driving people from the airport to the car-rental place and back. I was on lunch break one day when the guy who was filling in for me dinged a car in the parking lot and didn't tell anyone. The manager thought I did it, so when I checked the bus in for the night, he fired me on the spot, without even checking out my story. Man, that hurt. I was seventh in line for a promotion.
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Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

I'm Not Sure If I Know How To Treat A Lady

There are a lot of ladies out there, but if you want to keep a good one, you have to know how to make her feel appreciated. A lady wants a man who acts strong and confident. That way, she knows she's with someone who's strong and confident. Then again, ladies probably don't like men who are cocky. So I guess you should be sensitive, too. Maybe being polite is the most important thing. Or maybe it's good to know how to dance, or how to wow her in the bedroom. I don't know. I guess, when it comes down to it, I'm not sure I know how to treat a lady.

I think my behavior might be in the general ballpark, though. On a first dinner date, it's probably important to pick the right restaurant. The dining atmosphere should be fancy, but casual. Never under any circumstances should you take a lady to a chain restaurant. That is, unless she asks to go to a chain restaurant. When you and your date are seated, if the hostess doesn't push in her seat, then I guess you should do it yourself. I'm almost positive that most ladies will enjoy this and see it as a sign of affection. Of course, not all ladies will like it. Some will think you're acting unnatural. You should always try to act natural. Actually, to be safe, you might want to just refrain from touching the chair altogether. See how hard it is to know how to treat a lady right?

In my experience, saying the right thing can really impress a lady, but blurting out the wrong thing can lead to a very early night. Ladies like compliments, but lay on too many and you'll seem insincere. I suppose you have to use trial-and-error to find out what a lady wants to hear. If she's wearing her hair up, she might want you to say something nice about her earrings. Now, I'm not positive about that. Maybe it's just a hot day, she's pinned her hair up so her neck won't sweat, and she'd rather you not notice it. Whatever you do, though, don't say anything to her about those weird little hairs in her ears. That's something no lady wants to hear. Not mentioning the weird hairs in her ears—that's one way to treat a lady right that I'm fairly sure about.

If a man doesn't impress a lady, she'll find a different guy who does. I've heard that one of the ways you can please a lady is by dressing well. This way, you show her that you have taste and that you took the time to get dressed up to see her, because she's important to you. Buy the right fabric softener, and you can please her sense of smell, too. Actually, this might be better covered under the topic of cologne, which is also important to the ladies. Anyway, for now, put simply: Looking your best will impress a lady. But you shouldn't dress too nice, or she might think you're conceited or gay. Be clean, but stay rugged. I mean, I guess.

Make sure your compliments are original. You shouldn't say things you heard on television, because she might've seen the same program. Instead, notice things about her that other guys wouldn't, like her hands or her knees. This could be tricky, since she might think you're getting too personal. She could have a complex about her knees and shut down for the whole evening. Then it's no goodnight kiss for you—not that you should assume you're going to get one, even if the date goes well. I guess what I'm saying is that you should use your discretion on this one.

There's a whole bunch of other stuff every guy should know about treating a lady right once it's established that you like her and she likes you. But really, that's all pretty complicated. I'm not sure that I can go into it here without diagrams. The important thing to do is to be romantic. Sure, there are some that will threaten to kick your ass if you so much as light a vanilla candle, but they're pretty easy to weed out due to their tattoos and such.

If I were you, I'd take the stuff I said above and see if it works, then add your own personal touches. Treating a lady right should be doable, as long as you keep your eye on the lady. I mean, don't stare, but keep aware of how she's reacting. Unless she's one of those ladies who secretly likes to be ignored, which probably sums up a lot of them.

I don't know. Maybe you should just ignore everything I said. Pretend I never wrote this column, okay? I mean, unless you liked it, in which case... hey, thanks.

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