adBlockCheck

I'm Not Sure If I Know How To Treat A Lady

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I'm Not Sure If I Know How To Treat A Lady

There are a lot of ladies out there, but if you want to keep a good one, you have to know how to make her feel appreciated. A lady wants a man who acts strong and confident. That way, she knows she's with someone who's strong and confident. Then again, ladies probably don't like men who are cocky. So I guess you should be sensitive, too. Maybe being polite is the most important thing. Or maybe it's good to know how to dance, or how to wow her in the bedroom. I don't know. I guess, when it comes down to it, I'm not sure I know how to treat a lady.

I think my behavior might be in the general ballpark, though. On a first dinner date, it's probably important to pick the right restaurant. The dining atmosphere should be fancy, but casual. Never under any circumstances should you take a lady to a chain restaurant. That is, unless she asks to go to a chain restaurant. When you and your date are seated, if the hostess doesn't push in her seat, then I guess you should do it yourself. I'm almost positive that most ladies will enjoy this and see it as a sign of affection. Of course, not all ladies will like it. Some will think you're acting unnatural. You should always try to act natural. Actually, to be safe, you might want to just refrain from touching the chair altogether. See how hard it is to know how to treat a lady right?

In my experience, saying the right thing can really impress a lady, but blurting out the wrong thing can lead to a very early night. Ladies like compliments, but lay on too many and you'll seem insincere. I suppose you have to use trial-and-error to find out what a lady wants to hear. If she's wearing her hair up, she might want you to say something nice about her earrings. Now, I'm not positive about that. Maybe it's just a hot day, she's pinned her hair up so her neck won't sweat, and she'd rather you not notice it. Whatever you do, though, don't say anything to her about those weird little hairs in her ears. That's something no lady wants to hear. Not mentioning the weird hairs in her ears—that's one way to treat a lady right that I'm fairly sure about.

If a man doesn't impress a lady, she'll find a different guy who does. I've heard that one of the ways you can please a lady is by dressing well. This way, you show her that you have taste and that you took the time to get dressed up to see her, because she's important to you. Buy the right fabric softener, and you can please her sense of smell, too. Actually, this might be better covered under the topic of cologne, which is also important to the ladies. Anyway, for now, put simply: Looking your best will impress a lady. But you shouldn't dress too nice, or she might think you're conceited or gay. Be clean, but stay rugged. I mean, I guess.

Make sure your compliments are original. You shouldn't say things you heard on television, because she might've seen the same program. Instead, notice things about her that other guys wouldn't, like her hands or her knees. This could be tricky, since she might think you're getting too personal. She could have a complex about her knees and shut down for the whole evening. Then it's no goodnight kiss for you—not that you should assume you're going to get one, even if the date goes well. I guess what I'm saying is that you should use your discretion on this one.

There's a whole bunch of other stuff every guy should know about treating a lady right once it's established that you like her and she likes you. But really, that's all pretty complicated. I'm not sure that I can go into it here without diagrams. The important thing to do is to be romantic. Sure, there are some that will threaten to kick your ass if you so much as light a vanilla candle, but they're pretty easy to weed out due to their tattoos and such.

If I were you, I'd take the stuff I said above and see if it works, then add your own personal touches. Treating a lady right should be doable, as long as you keep your eye on the lady. I mean, don't stare, but keep aware of how she's reacting. Unless she's one of those ladies who secretly likes to be ignored, which probably sums up a lot of them.

I don't know. Maybe you should just ignore everything I said. Pretend I never wrote this column, okay? I mean, unless you liked it, in which case... hey, thanks.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close