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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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I'm Not Surprised Hitler Was A Taurus

While going through some old copies of Star Signs for my upcoming garage sale, I came across something pretty wild. Did you know that Carmen Electra and Joey Lawrence were born on the same day as Adolf Hitler? Isn't that insane? I had Carmen and Joey totally pegged as Leos. You know, artistic, spontaneous, generous... As for Hitler, though, no surprise that guy's a Taurus.

In fact, just a few days ago, I had the History Channel on, and there was this program about Nazis or something, and when Hitler came on, wearing his swastika uniform and looking all high and mighty, I was like, "Oh, yeah, that guy's definitely a Taurus. Just look at his outfit." My high-school friend Becca was a Taurus, and they're totally cut from the same cloth: They're earthy, but don't let that fool you.

My father's one, so I know: Taurus is crazy about his routines! Growing up, whatever my dad said was the law. Whether it was not letting me go out on a school night or forcing me to eat all my vegetables, there was no use trying to reason with him. In fact, I used to say, "Dad, you're such a Nazi." It's weird the things our psyches tell us.

I wonder if Hitler was an Aries rising. That would explain his temper. Taurus has a temper enough, but boy, when Aries starts seeing red, you better get as far away from him as you can! Flee to another country if possible. Just pack up your belongings, load your children into the car, and go, go, go! Last thing you want to do is stick around when you're on the outs with Taurus, Aries rising.

Earth signs tend to be ambitious and really concentrate on a single purpose. Taurus, in particular, is known for cracking the whip. Is that so Hitler, or what?

I mean, how did Hitler's friends even deal with him? When I'm even in the same room with a Taurus, I start to freak. Of course, I'm a Gemini, and air signs don't get along so well with earth signs. I bet most of Hitler's top brass were Pisces. Pisces and Tauruses make good matches. Eva Braun's sign was Aquarius. I imagine that was a rocky relationship! Aquarius rocks the boat, and Taurus doesn't like that one bit! Which I guess explains why her marriage to Hitler was so short.

Taurus can be arrogant, which can really get him into trouble. I saw on that show that Hitler invaded Russia in June. June is rarely a good time for Taurus to undertake any new projects. True, Mercury was ascendant, but Stalin, the leader of Russia at the time, was a Sagittarius, a fire sign. In that combination, earth's the one that's going down. As an air sign, I would have gotten along much better with Stalin.

It may have been obvious to me all along, but not everyone is so perceptive. For instance, my friend Sarah, on a couple of occasions, has mentioned that she will never understand why Hitler did the things he did. I wonder if she knows he was a Taurus.

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