I’m Pretty Sure I’m Carrying Out God’s Will

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I’m Pretty Sure I’m Carrying Out God’s Will

As you undoubtedly know by now, my militant Islamist organization Boko Haram raided a secondary school in Chibok, Nigeria last month, kidnapping 276 teenage girls while they were sitting their exams. In the weeks since, I have ordered the abduction of dozens more young girls between 12 and 15 years old, and we are keeping all of them hostage as we wait to sell them into the human trafficking market. Many around the world are shocked and appalled by my actions, and simply do not understand how one could carry out such acts, especially against innocent children. To them I would simply say that I am a holy warrior carrying out the undeniable will of God Himself.

Well, I’m pretty sure I’m carrying out God’s will, anyway. If I had to put a number on it, I’d say I’m about 80 to 85 percent sure I’m carrying out God’s will. Actually, maybe 75 percent, just as a conservative estimate. The bottom line is that it’s likelier than not that kidnapping these girls and viciously massacring Christians is what God wants me to do, provided I’m hearing Him right.

In the 57-minute video I recently released online, I explained that God commanded me to sell these girls into slavery, and I stand firmly and categorically behind that statement. Of course, I think it goes without saying that God didn’t tell me in those exact words to auction off children into a flesh trade and essentially condemn them to a life of being beaten, raped, and subjected to forced labor on a daily basis. But I’m a devout man of faith who has dedicated his life to the service of God, and as such, I’m fairly confident that this was what He was getting at. More or less.

Trust me, when you have given your life to the study of fundamentalist Islam, you just sort of get to know what God wants. I’m definitely getting the gist of what He envisions, at least; I can say that much for sure.

Here’s the thing: When you’re in front of the cameras proclaiming God’s message to the entire world, sometimes you have to exaggerate a little bit, just for effect. Not that I’m distorting the truth or anything like that, of course—it’s just that when I say God speaks directly to me, I don’t literally mean that He actually utters full sentences to me, per se. For instance, I didn’t hear Him literally say back in 2010, “I order you to wreak havoc across your country and murder thousands of innocent men, women, and children over the next four years.” That was really more implied than said, actually. If I’m being 100 percent honest here, it’s more of a gut feeling about what God wants that I think I have a pretty good sense for interpreting. Either way, the bottom line is that I’m definitely upholding God’s will, no question.

So mark my words, infidels: God’s wrath—which I’m pretty certain is how He feels—will soon fall on all of you. This is His bidding, or some fairly close approximation of it.

After all, it is the Almighty’s decree that true Muslims never partake in any activity associated with the West, including engaging in democratic elections, receiving a secular education, wearing shirts or pants, or even believing that the earth is spherical in shape. This much is made very clear by God. At least in a broad sense. I’m pretty confident that I’m on the same page as God here. If anything, I’m really close, even if I’m not hitting the nail right on the head.

Yeah, I’m definitely close enough.

As a servant of His will, I am constantly maintaining a dialogue with God through prayer to ensure that I am carrying out His plan for the world. Frankly, it’s more of a one-way discussion most of the time, but I feel good that I can pick up on His subtle hints that He wants me to firebomb a church or order soldiers to raid a local college in the middle of the night and execute every student while they sleep in their beds. I obviously wouldn’t ever do anything like that unless I was absolutely convinced—or at least felt more than 50/50—that I was carrying out God’s orders.

Look, if I just sat around waiting for a clearly articulated message to come down from the Heavens instead of filling in a few of the details myself, then I would never get around to storming local villages, firing grenades into crowded marketplaces and burning over 300 people alive in His name, would I? Basically, I’m just getting a jumpstart on things that God probably desires before He gets around to actually sending down His orders. I’m just showing a little initiative is all, and God has to be pretty happy with that. Right? Probably.

When you’re waging a holy war against an entire population and their government, you don’t have time to check in with God on all the minutiae, like whether to shoot children or slit the throats of Christian families. Murdering any Muslim cleric who criticizes Boko Haram is another perfect example—I didn’t get a definitive go-ahead from God on that one, and in retrospect, I can kind of see how God might have been a little upset about that. But as a learned theologian, I like to think I get things right more often than not.

The bottom line is that we will triumph because I know God is on our side. Okay, “know” might be a bit of an overstatement, but I definitely have a pretty good feeling about it.

Consider this: If I wasn’t carrying out God’s will, don’t you think He would have made that clear by now? I mean, if ruthlessly terrorizing an entire country and literally going door-to-door murdering anyone found hiding in their homes somehow conflicts with His message, don’t you think He would have let me know? See, that’s really on Him, not me.

God certainly didn’t tell me not to bomb dozens of schools across Nigeria and massacre hundreds of teachers and students right in their classrooms, I can tell you that much. So, that pretty much means He’s with me on this one, case closed.

I just can’t wait until He finds out what I have planned for the small village that sent out a search party to find those kidnapped girls. He’s going to be so happy.

I’m fairly confident of it.

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