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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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I'm Quite Eccentric Within Accepted Societal Norms

Last week, I was feeling a little, but not excessively, crazy. I'd fallen into a boring routine and it was time to shake things up. So you know what I did? I got out this loud Hawaiian shirt and wore it to work. Work, of all places! You should have seen the look on my coworkers' faces when I strolled through the door in that outlandish shirt and also brought bagels for everyone. They probably thought the boss was going to call me on the carpet for that kind of restrained zaniness, but I had the foresight to wear a tie over the shirt, making the whole wacky display well within dress code.

That's me in a nutshell. I've got an unconventional personality that just loves to push the limits of what society's comfortable with, but inevitably stays safely within those limits.

I'm the kind of guy you have to watch out for, because at any time I'm likely to do something barely predictable. You know those shoes that have the wheels in them? They're like skates, but there's only one wheel? Well, I saw them in the store the other day, and I almost got a pair. Me! A full-grown adult. Think of how funny that would have been, had I bought them, to look up and see me go gliding by!

Of course, at the end of the day, there's decorum to keep in mind. I may confuse, but I will never offend. Just try to stop me!

To tell you the truth, I wouldn't even know how to be boring if I tried. I guess I was just born to be sensibly unconventional! If you don't believe me, take a look at my sixth-grade class picture. I'm the one all the way in the back, wearing glasses. The joke's on them, though, because I don't even wear glasses. Never have! That's just classic Martin. Ruffling feathers just enough so they can be smoothed back into place with minimal effort.

I've never been the kind of guy to blend into the background. When I walk down the street, I'm always whistling a happy tune just loud enough not to annoy my fellow pedestrians. And even though I'd stop immediately if anyone around me looked annoyed, doing that sort of slightly unusual thing is what I'm famous for.

It's like a pin I saw in a store once: "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." And although I wouldn't classify myself as "weird" per se, because I think that word has some unflattering negative connotations, I'm certainly 15 to 20 percent odder than your average person. Anyone who's seen my garden decorations could tell you that!

I don't like to play by all of the rules, but I do most of the time just to be safe.

People are always telling me "Martin, you are just barely on the edge." I laugh and reply "Your what hurts?" That really takes them off-guard, but not to the point of discomfort. Offbeat? You betcha. Not off the wall, you know, but definitely a little out there.

Most guys my age go through each day trying to avoid rocking the boat, but not me. I live to make people look up for a brief second until they decide that I am in no way threatening, and then go back to whatever they were doing. I'm kooky without being totally off-putting. Like a modern-day Marty Allen.

You know where I really shine? Filling out the memo part of a check. Like, I might be paying my gas bill, but in the memo I'll write "Meatballs." I wish I could see the expression on the face of whoever opens up that bill! Of course, I always add an asterisk and an attached note to make sure they know I'm just kidding and don't return the check uncashed. I may be tastefully madcap, but I also have a credit rating to think of.

And you better believe the envelope I send it in will have a colorful stamp featuring some pollinating animals or maybe Jimmy Stewart. Normal? That's my dad!

Yes, sir. When it comes to me, you never know what you'll get next, although you can be sure you've seen it once or twice before. I swear, you'll think, "What an eccentric but reasonable guy," if you think about me at all. And that's exactly how I like it.

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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