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I'm Really Going To Miss This Task Force

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Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
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I'm Really Going To Miss This Task Force

As I look around this table, I see a group of people dedicated to improving the quality of school transportation in the North Rochester School District. More importantly, though, I see a group of people I will be very sorry to leave behind. I don't want to sound too gushy or sentimental, but I'm really going to miss this task force.

Separately, we were individuals from a wide variety of backgrounds and points of view. Together, nothing could stand in our way. I'll never forget that first meeting more than four months ago, when we discussed possible names for our task force. We carefully weighed the options, knocked the ball around a bit, and, after several hours of vigorous debate, finally agreed upon "The North Rochester Task Force For Better School Transport." Seeing the way we reached that consensus, well, that was when I first sensed that we had the potential to be something special.

When we first convened at the request of the mayor's transportation advisor, we were strangers. We came from all walks of life: claims adjusters, housewives, lawyers, bus drivers. I thought nothing could unite our ragtag bunch. But for all our differences, we quickly found something every last one of us shared: a deep concern for our children and the quality of their transportation to school. It wasn't long before we were much more than a task force... We were a task family.

Bill Ostrowsky. You were such a practical joker. I'll never forget the time you read the minutes from two meetings prior instead of from the previous meeting, just to see if anyone was paying attention. No one was, so you made it through the entire thing without anyone speaking up. Even though we were embarrassed when you finally let us in on your prank, we all had a good laugh—and learned a valuable lesson about the importance of paying attention.

And Dana Huggett, your head was full of statistics, but your heart was full of concern for the kids. You had a real fire in your belly for school-bus safety. When you made that half-hour speech about how children's lives could be saved if buses were equipped with harness seatbelts instead of just lap belts, we were right there with you. We could feel your passion by the way you read from your note cards. You can't buy that sort of devotion to busing, nor can you learn it. You have to be born with it. I can't believe this is the last time I'm going to see you fidget nervously in your seat as you get ready to address the group.

We tried to make a difference, and I think we did. We really went to the mat and made some eye-opening recommendations to the city council. Like our proposal to institute a new "drop-point system," shaving hours off bus routes and saving hundreds of dollars in gas and wear-and-tear each year. It takes a special kind of task force to come up with a proposal like that.

Our shared dedication to the cause was truly moving. (That's a bit of an unintentional pun, because we're moving children from home to school.) When I wake up tomorrow, for the first time in months I'm not going to have to research bus issues. When that realization hits me, a small part of me will be gone. You all understand how much this meant to me. Task-force-wise, I've really grown. We all have.

Excuse me, I have something in my eye.

You don't participate in a task force like this without coming out a changed person. When you go through weekly meetings, sharing the same donuts and lukewarm coffee for four months, it really affects you. I barely knew anything about the issue of school transportation at first, and I didn't know anything about any of you. Now, I can say I know a little something about school transportation and a lot of something about making lasting bonds.

I'd love for this task force to go on forever, but what can you do? We accomplished our goal. We did all we could. We conducted a study and presented our report to the mayor's office. It would be inappropriate and uncalled-for to continue. We'd be living a task-force lie.

But let's keep in touch, okay? One year from today, let's meet back here and reminisce about old times. Sure, we may be in other task forces by then, but they're not likely to have the things that made this one so special: Commitment. Passion. Leadership. Dedication. Teamwork. Busing issues. Go now. All of you. And remember these days fondly.

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