I'm Sick Of These Money Problems

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Vol 41 Issue 23

NBA Playoffs Interrupted By NBA Preseason

DETROIT—Game Six of the NBA Eastern Conference finals between the Miami Heat and the Detroit Pistons was postponed Saturday so that the Heat could play their first preseason game against the Seattle Supersonics. "It would've been great to have determined who would've been in the finals, but this exhibition game was already on the schedule," said Heat coach Stan Van Gundy. "Sonics fans have been looking forward to this game all off-season." Representatives for both teams expressed hopes that the 2005 NBA Finals would be over by the start of the 2006 All-Star Game.

Eighth-Grader Hasn't Missed A '69' Joke Opportunity All Year

LEBANON, PA—According to Lebanon Central Middle School staff, Mike Eichstadt, 14, leapt on every possible occasion to make a "69" joke during the entirety of his eighth-grade year. "If a teacher said 'Turn to page 69' or a classmate got a 69 on a quiz, Mike Eichstadt was there with a smirk and a quip," principal Melanie Reinke said. "Sometimes, Mike only needed to be asked a question involving a number—such as 'How many years did Ford serve as president?'—to make a '69' joke." Despite his aptitude for "69" jokes, Eichstadt received a D in math.

Congress Relieved To Admit It's Not Going To Accomplish Anything This Year

WASHINGTON, DC—Members of Congress breathed a collective sigh of relief Tuesday when Speaker Dennis Hastert successfully introduced a resolution averring that the legislative body was "probably not going to get much done in 2005." "Whereas, we have been debating the same bills for months," the resolution read in part. "Whereas, we have been getting nowhere; Resolved, let's not force it."When asked what they would do for the rest of 2005, given the passing of the resolution, many said they might go see some movies or visit constituents.

Garden Too Much For Grandma This Summer

TULSA, OK—Though she has tended the same 10' x 25' backyard vegetable plot for more than three decades, local grandmother Helen Fischer, 74, said Monday that the task would be too much for her this year. "My knee hasn't been the same since I hurt it weeding the kohlrabi last summer," said Fischer, slowly lifting a bag of seeds to the mouth of a hanging bird feeder. "I might plant some marigolds in the window box, though, if Kerry's Greenhouse has any nice ones." In a related story, Fischer's husband Ralph said that, while he doesn't believe he'll be stringing the front-yard trees with holiday lights this year, he will still put out the wreaths.

Kuwait Starting To Notice Girls

KUWAIT CITY—In light of the country's recent decision to allow women to vote and hold public office, observers around the world have noted that Kuwait appears to have discovered the fairer sex. "The boys in Kuwait are really taking notice of how much the girls have changed over the country's long political winter," said Fouad Ajami, an expert in Arab affairs. "They're no longer shyly avoiding women they're not related to or clumsily shooting them for not wearing veils in public." Ajami added that he was not entirely surprised by Kuwait's discovery, given its long history of teasing women, calling them names, and stoning them to death for being unclean.

Repressed-Memory Therapist Recovers Rockford Files Episode

OTTUMWA, IA—After months of hypnotherapy, local repressed-memory therapist Brian Marnard has helped Joan Spees, a 37-year-old farm-equipment sales consultant, recover an entire Rockford Files episode from the darkest reaches of her subconscious mind.

Deep Throat Revealed

Last week, former FBI agent Mark Felt revealed that he was Deep Throat, the anonymous source that helped break the Watergate scandal. What do you think?

Well, I Guess That Genocide In Sudan Must've Worked Itself Out On Its Own

I was pretty worried a year or so ago when the news came out that thousands of people had been indiscriminately slaughtered in Darfur. It was unsettling to hear that citizens of one ethnicity (Arab, maybe?) were systematically mass-murdering the population of some other ethnicity (Was it the Ganjaweeds? It's been so long since I've read their names!) But lately, the main stories in the news seem to be about Deep Throat, the new summer blockbusters, and something about stem cells. Since I'm sure I would have remembered if the U.S. had intervened in some way to stop it, I can only assume that the whole genocide-in-Darfur thing has somehow worked itself out.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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I'm Sick Of These Money Problems

Hola, amigos. What's goin' on? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but it's like life keeps raining shit down on me and I don't have a shit shovel big enough to clear it all away. My ride is giving me grief. The muffler is coming loose, so it's making a lot of noise. The car might sound badass if it were, like, a Thunderbird or something. But it's a Festiva, so it sounds like a souped-up lawn mower. I took a tin can and some muffler tape and patched the pipe up, but my repair job isn't going to last for long.

Then, I forgot to pay my electric bill. It was only two months late, but the assholes shut my power off anyway. I meant to pay the bill, but I had a lot on my mind. Getting my power cut sucked, because I had microwave burritos in the freezer, five of which I had to throw away. And I'd rented Jeepers Creepers 2. I tried to tell the clerk at the video store that I should get my money back because I hadn't watched the movie, but he was a total dick about the whole thing. He didn't believe me that I didn't have power, and acted like I was just trying to get a free movie rental. Like I'd be that desperate.

Anyway, I didn't get my money back, so I went home and ate a half-frozen burrito in the dark. Then I crashed early. I thought I'd at least catch up on sleep, but I had the weirdest dreams. I was living in a mountain cave, and there were these trays of cookies everywhere. It was my job to make sure that none of the cookies were eaten by spiders. I woke up at, like, 4 a.m. and just sat in the dark and waited for the sun to rise.

I called the electric company in the morning, and they told me they'd turn my power back on as soon as I paid the balance, plus a $100 deposit. I said that I wasn't made of money and that someone over there owed me for my burritos and the video rental. Well, they basically said, "No deposit, no electricity." That's what's wrong in America today: Big corporations don't care about the little guy.

My power problem got me thinking that I need to be one of those guys who makes the money, instead of shelling it out all the time. I'm not sure how my plan's gonna go down, though. I suppose if I stuck with my job at the carbonics plant and didn't lose a finger, I could be promoted to assistant manager, like Ron. But that would take three years, and if I'm gonna be stuck there for that long, I may as well just suck on a tailpipe and end it all.

There's gotta be an easier way. I could make money selling weed, but the last time I did that, I was getting calls at, like, 4:00 in the morning. Then they'd only want to buy an eighth. Besides, I always ended up smoking up most of my profits.

You know what seems to be the way to go? Computers. Everything is on computers these days. When I go to the auto-parts store, they check their computer to see if they have the part I need. People are always talking on e-mail instead of calling people up. Even the cops got computers to check your priors when they pull you over. Shit, if you're reading this, the odds are you're on a computer instead of kicking back with a newspaper.

Wes has been getting a lot of jobs where he works on computers, and he seems to be doing okay. Since computers looked like my best bet, I called up one of those colleges with commercials on daytime TV. The woman on the phone talked to me for a long time, and she thought getting into computers was a really good idea for me, too. But then she started telling me about the shitload of money it costs to go to the school. It just goes to show, you gotta have money to make money.

Without money, the only thing I got is my mind. Everyone who knows me knows I'm always getting all sorts of great, crazy ideas. I had this one idea for a mop, once. But I figure the best way to use my ideas is to write a movie. How hard could it be? I have this one idea about a cop who's about to get thrown off the force, because he plays by his own rules. Only, a case falls into his lap that he can't turn his back on. See, this particular cop is a decent guy, even if he is a cop. The case involves the mob, so the cop goes undercover to fix the bad guys good. But then his old partner finds out about it.

Well, I sat down to write the movie. I started out by writing down a killer opening, with these hot chicks, an explosion, and the cop turning in his badge. But then, I couldn't figure out what would happen after the cop's old partner enters the picture. I smoked a bowl for inspiration, but nothing came. Long story short, I had to put the movie-writing on the back burner until I get a new idea.

Anyway, I can feel that something is right around the corner. In the meantime, I suppose I'll pick up some overtime at work to get that $100 deposit together. Whatever. I ain't going to be wasting away in this shithole apartment all my life. I mean, it's not like I want a million dollars. I just want enough for a boat. That's not too much to ask. Once I get a boat, I can live on that and everyone else can go fuck themselves. Well, until I need to buy gas.

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