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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.
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I'm So Blessed To Be Surrounded By People I Can Extort Money From

Everyone goes through a hard patch at some point. Even if you watch every penny, all it takes is an unexpected layoff or a sudden medical crisis, and before you know it, you've got bill collectors breathing down your neck. I'm very fortunate, though, because whenever I find myself in a jam, I have a strong support system I can turn to for help. Every day I'm thankful to be surrounded by a group of people who have grown close to me, revealed their most intimate secrets, and made it possible for me to extort large sums of money from them at will.

It's a social safety net I know will always be there to catch me if I fall.

Who are they, these generous folks who have opened their hearts and homes to me, inadvertently disclosing compromising information that enables me to fleece them for all they're worth?

They're people like my friend David, who makes half a million dollars a year, has a sexual compulsion that leads to constant affairs with the women in his office, and is utterly dependent on me maintaining my silence so that he can stay in his mother-in-law's will. If it weren't for the bond we share, he'd have been cut out of those millions years ago, and his wife's whole family would know that, despite his large salary, he's practically broke.

Friendships like this are important to me, because you're nothing in this world without people you can really put the screws to and manipulate for cash, cash, cash.

Take my former coworker Deborah, who started embezzling money from her employer about—oh, gosh, has it really been 10 years already? I'll always be grateful I found out about her situation early on, because now, for every 10 grand she embezzles, five goes right to me. It just goes to show that, in life, the best investment you can make is in real, lasting partnerships that stand the test of time.

There are so many of these people, and they all have so much to lose.

I'm truly humbled when I think of everything they've given me over the years: small denomination bills, Krugerrands, shares in high-yield offshore oil rigs, the occasional unregulated over-the-counter derivative. They are my inner circle. I know them better than anyone else, and boy, does it cost them.

But I wouldn't have it any other way. They've gotten me through some real tight spots, and in return, I've kept them out of all sorts of trouble, be it divorce, federal indictment, or plain old jail time.

When I accept a briefcase full of currency and see that look of gratitude on the face of someone who knows I'm going to keep my mouth shut—at least for the time being—I get a little a lump in my throat. It's such a relief knowing that I won't have to follow through on any of the truly brutal things I've threatened to do to them and their reputations. And I'm sure they sleep easier, too, knowing their terrible secrets are safe with me.

Let's be frank: It's a dog eat dog world out there, and it'd be a pretty cruel place if we couldn't rely on other people to let us blackmail them into total submission. So I don't just take it for granted when some local judge who killed a teenage girl while driving drunk hands me $100,000 worth of savings bonds. I appreciate it from the depths of my heart.

In the end, where would we be without other people? In the poorhouse, that's where.

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