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I'm Sorry, But I've Had Just About Enough Of Me

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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I'm Sorry, But I've Had Just About Enough Of Me

I like to believe that I’m someone who always sees the best in people. Even if someone might rub me the wrong way at first, I try my hardest to give that person the benefit of the doubt. That being said, if I’m being completely honest, there is one person out there that I'm really at my wits’ end with. I’d even go as far as to say that I can’t stand to be around this guy anymore. I’m sorry, but I think I’ve had just about enough of me.

Look, somebody has to say it: I’m arrogant, I’m abrasive, I’m annoying, and to top it all off, I’m a total moron who never has any idea what the fuck he’s talking about. These days, it seems like every time we all get together to have a good time, I come around and ruin everything for the rest of us. Why would anyone want anything to do with me?

I'm not trying to be rude here, but come on now. I’ve stood by long enough watching myself act like a selfish, immature ass at every possible opportunity. It seems like whenever I’m in trouble I manage to drag everyone else into it, but the second others need even the slightest bit of help, I’m nowhere to be found. Honestly, I’ve had it just about up to here with me and all my bullshit.

I really am the worst.

Okay, sure, I can be a nice enough guy every now and again, but haven’t you noticed that seconds later I’m back to being a complete jerk who is harshly judgmental about anything anyone does and is always willing to talk behind the backs of my closest friends? It’s like I have no respect for anyone.

I can’t be the only one who’s sick and tired of putting up with my atrocious holier-than-thou attitude and persistently self-destructive behavior. The fact of the matter is, I think if I ever had to hear myself go on and on about my contrarian musical taste or all of the banal problems I’m having at work, I’d probably hit me right in the face.

Christ, just the sound of my voice drives me right up the wall!

And listen to this: the last time we all went out to dinner, I spent the entire night hitting on the waitress, broke a beer bottle after knocking it from the table, and then refused to leave any tip whatsoever. Can you believe that? Honestly, who the fuck do I think I am?

Believe me, I have absolutely no idea what my girlfriend is still doing with me. I mean, she seems like a nice enough girl, but when I see her with me, I’m demeaning and always talking down to her like she’s some sort of child. If you ask me, there’s no way that’s going to last.

Most of all, I never want to hear any more of my pitiful excuses for my behavior. I’m done listening to me trying to explain any of the innumerable aggravating and deplorable things I do on a daily basis. When it comes right down to it, I’ve been an irritating little fuck for as long as I can remember, and I for one just don’t think I’m ever going to change.

I don't know why I put up with myself. In fact, enough's enough. Me and me? We're through.

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