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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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I'm Sorry, But I've Had Just About Enough Of Me

I like to believe that I’m someone who always sees the best in people. Even if someone might rub me the wrong way at first, I try my hardest to give that person the benefit of the doubt. That being said, if I’m being completely honest, there is one person out there that I'm really at my wits’ end with. I’d even go as far as to say that I can’t stand to be around this guy anymore. I’m sorry, but I think I’ve had just about enough of me.

Look, somebody has to say it: I’m arrogant, I’m abrasive, I’m annoying, and to top it all off, I’m a total moron who never has any idea what the fuck he’s talking about. These days, it seems like every time we all get together to have a good time, I come around and ruin everything for the rest of us. Why would anyone want anything to do with me?

I'm not trying to be rude here, but come on now. I’ve stood by long enough watching myself act like a selfish, immature ass at every possible opportunity. It seems like whenever I’m in trouble I manage to drag everyone else into it, but the second others need even the slightest bit of help, I’m nowhere to be found. Honestly, I’ve had it just about up to here with me and all my bullshit.

I really am the worst.

Okay, sure, I can be a nice enough guy every now and again, but haven’t you noticed that seconds later I’m back to being a complete jerk who is harshly judgmental about anything anyone does and is always willing to talk behind the backs of my closest friends? It’s like I have no respect for anyone.

I can’t be the only one who’s sick and tired of putting up with my atrocious holier-than-thou attitude and persistently self-destructive behavior. The fact of the matter is, I think if I ever had to hear myself go on and on about my contrarian musical taste or all of the banal problems I’m having at work, I’d probably hit me right in the face.

Christ, just the sound of my voice drives me right up the wall!

And listen to this: the last time we all went out to dinner, I spent the entire night hitting on the waitress, broke a beer bottle after knocking it from the table, and then refused to leave any tip whatsoever. Can you believe that? Honestly, who the fuck do I think I am?

Believe me, I have absolutely no idea what my girlfriend is still doing with me. I mean, she seems like a nice enough girl, but when I see her with me, I’m demeaning and always talking down to her like she’s some sort of child. If you ask me, there’s no way that’s going to last.

Most of all, I never want to hear any more of my pitiful excuses for my behavior. I’m done listening to me trying to explain any of the innumerable aggravating and deplorable things I do on a daily basis. When it comes right down to it, I’ve been an irritating little fuck for as long as I can remember, and I for one just don’t think I’m ever going to change.

I don't know why I put up with myself. In fact, enough's enough. Me and me? We're through.

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