adBlockCheck

I'm Sorry, But I've Had Just About Enough Of Me

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I'm Sorry, But I've Had Just About Enough Of Me

I like to believe that I’m someone who always sees the best in people. Even if someone might rub me the wrong way at first, I try my hardest to give that person the benefit of the doubt. That being said, if I’m being completely honest, there is one person out there that I'm really at my wits’ end with. I’d even go as far as to say that I can’t stand to be around this guy anymore. I’m sorry, but I think I’ve had just about enough of me.

Look, somebody has to say it: I’m arrogant, I’m abrasive, I’m annoying, and to top it all off, I’m a total moron who never has any idea what the fuck he’s talking about. These days, it seems like every time we all get together to have a good time, I come around and ruin everything for the rest of us. Why would anyone want anything to do with me?

I'm not trying to be rude here, but come on now. I’ve stood by long enough watching myself act like a selfish, immature ass at every possible opportunity. It seems like whenever I’m in trouble I manage to drag everyone else into it, but the second others need even the slightest bit of help, I’m nowhere to be found. Honestly, I’ve had it just about up to here with me and all my bullshit.

I really am the worst.

Okay, sure, I can be a nice enough guy every now and again, but haven’t you noticed that seconds later I’m back to being a complete jerk who is harshly judgmental about anything anyone does and is always willing to talk behind the backs of my closest friends? It’s like I have no respect for anyone.

I can’t be the only one who’s sick and tired of putting up with my atrocious holier-than-thou attitude and persistently self-destructive behavior. The fact of the matter is, I think if I ever had to hear myself go on and on about my contrarian musical taste or all of the banal problems I’m having at work, I’d probably hit me right in the face.

Christ, just the sound of my voice drives me right up the wall!

And listen to this: the last time we all went out to dinner, I spent the entire night hitting on the waitress, broke a beer bottle after knocking it from the table, and then refused to leave any tip whatsoever. Can you believe that? Honestly, who the fuck do I think I am?

Believe me, I have absolutely no idea what my girlfriend is still doing with me. I mean, she seems like a nice enough girl, but when I see her with me, I’m demeaning and always talking down to her like she’s some sort of child. If you ask me, there’s no way that’s going to last.

Most of all, I never want to hear any more of my pitiful excuses for my behavior. I’m done listening to me trying to explain any of the innumerable aggravating and deplorable things I do on a daily basis. When it comes right down to it, I’ve been an irritating little fuck for as long as I can remember, and I for one just don’t think I’m ever going to change.

I don't know why I put up with myself. In fact, enough's enough. Me and me? We're through.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close