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I'm Sorry, But I've Had Just About Enough Of Me

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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I'm Sorry, But I've Had Just About Enough Of Me

I like to believe that I’m someone who always sees the best in people. Even if someone might rub me the wrong way at first, I try my hardest to give that person the benefit of the doubt. That being said, if I’m being completely honest, there is one person out there that I'm really at my wits’ end with. I’d even go as far as to say that I can’t stand to be around this guy anymore. I’m sorry, but I think I’ve had just about enough of me.

Look, somebody has to say it: I’m arrogant, I’m abrasive, I’m annoying, and to top it all off, I’m a total moron who never has any idea what the fuck he’s talking about. These days, it seems like every time we all get together to have a good time, I come around and ruin everything for the rest of us. Why would anyone want anything to do with me?

I'm not trying to be rude here, but come on now. I’ve stood by long enough watching myself act like a selfish, immature ass at every possible opportunity. It seems like whenever I’m in trouble I manage to drag everyone else into it, but the second others need even the slightest bit of help, I’m nowhere to be found. Honestly, I’ve had it just about up to here with me and all my bullshit.

I really am the worst.

Okay, sure, I can be a nice enough guy every now and again, but haven’t you noticed that seconds later I’m back to being a complete jerk who is harshly judgmental about anything anyone does and is always willing to talk behind the backs of my closest friends? It’s like I have no respect for anyone.

I can’t be the only one who’s sick and tired of putting up with my atrocious holier-than-thou attitude and persistently self-destructive behavior. The fact of the matter is, I think if I ever had to hear myself go on and on about my contrarian musical taste or all of the banal problems I’m having at work, I’d probably hit me right in the face.

Christ, just the sound of my voice drives me right up the wall!

And listen to this: the last time we all went out to dinner, I spent the entire night hitting on the waitress, broke a beer bottle after knocking it from the table, and then refused to leave any tip whatsoever. Can you believe that? Honestly, who the fuck do I think I am?

Believe me, I have absolutely no idea what my girlfriend is still doing with me. I mean, she seems like a nice enough girl, but when I see her with me, I’m demeaning and always talking down to her like she’s some sort of child. If you ask me, there’s no way that’s going to last.

Most of all, I never want to hear any more of my pitiful excuses for my behavior. I’m done listening to me trying to explain any of the innumerable aggravating and deplorable things I do on a daily basis. When it comes right down to it, I’ve been an irritating little fuck for as long as I can remember, and I for one just don’t think I’m ever going to change.

I don't know why I put up with myself. In fact, enough's enough. Me and me? We're through.

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