I'm Sorry, Jesus

Top Headlines

Recent News

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

I'm Sorry, Jesus

Oh, Jesus, Lord in Heaven, I am sorry for the many sins that I have committed. I will try to do better in the future and will work to be an upstanding member of your community of faithful followers here on Earth. I am sorry that I don't eat right, Jesus. I often choose fatty desserts, even when a healthy alternative such as fresh fruit cup is made available to me. I routinely choose regular dressing when guilt-free low-fat ranch is among my possible choices. Although I have no weight problem, the pressure to do the right thing is overwhelming.

I am sorry that I will often purchase unrecycled notebook paper because I prefer the bright white color. I do the same with paper toweling and napkins, ignoring the glare of the trees featured prominently on the other package. I am sorry that I hide these products from my friends, so they don't think I'm a wasteful monger.

I'm sorry, Jesus, that I sometimes throw plastic bottles out without washing them and placing them in the recycling bin. The bottles even say, "It's our world—let's take care of it!" But sometimes I am late for work, and I just toss them out. I'm sorry, Jesus. I know you are disappointed in me.

Dear Jesus, I am sorry that I missed the CBS special about gang violence last Tuesday. The commercial said, "If you care about youth today, you will not miss this very special made-for-TV movie." I do care about youth, and I missed the movie anyway. What good am I, Jesus?

I am sorry, Jesus, that when I drive I sometimes speed. I have no regard for the safety of others. And I am even sorrier that I do not ride the bus. I know they say "Public Transportation—It Only Works If You Get Into It!" I'm sorry, Jesus, that I don't get into it, but I work all the way out in Cedar Grove where there is no service.

I am sorry that I think bad thoughts about people of color. My parked car was hit by an Asian woman and I had some very nasty thoughts. I also get into arguments from time to time, with my husband, who is black. I feel incredible shame about the socioeconomic stratification of this country and the fact that I can do nothing to solve it. I'm sorry.

I am so very lowly, Jesus. Every time I go to the bank, I see the sign that says, "You could be earning 2 percent overhead with a gold passbook account. Why aren't you?" And I have no good answer. I'm sorry, Jesus. I just never take the time.

I am sorry that I do not call my grandmother more often. MCI makes it possible to call the ones I love and get up to 40 percent off my bill. I am low, Jesus.

I'm sorry I rarely check my shampoo for the "not tested on animals" logo. I've seen the posters of the injured bunnies. You must be very, very disappointed in me, Jesus. I am sorry that I enjoy the taste of meat, Jesus. I'm sorry about the whales, Jesus, and about the litter that I sometimes throw on the highway. And I am sorry about the colonization of the New World.

I am sorry that I am not always happy, Jesus. Brightly colored posters have to remind me that, "It's a Rainbow Day!" and to "Smile!" But even then I do not always do so. I will try to be a better person, Jesus.

I promise.