adBlockCheck

I'm Sorry, Jesus

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I'm Sorry, Jesus

Oh, Jesus, Lord in Heaven, I am sorry for the many sins that I have committed. I will try to do better in the future and will work to be an upstanding member of your community of faithful followers here on Earth. I am sorry that I don't eat right, Jesus. I often choose fatty desserts, even when a healthy alternative such as fresh fruit cup is made available to me. I routinely choose regular dressing when guilt-free low-fat ranch is among my possible choices. Although I have no weight problem, the pressure to do the right thing is overwhelming.

I am sorry that I will often purchase unrecycled notebook paper because I prefer the bright white color. I do the same with paper toweling and napkins, ignoring the glare of the trees featured prominently on the other package. I am sorry that I hide these products from my friends, so they don't think I'm a wasteful monger.

I'm sorry, Jesus, that I sometimes throw plastic bottles out without washing them and placing them in the recycling bin. The bottles even say, "It's our world—let's take care of it!" But sometimes I am late for work, and I just toss them out. I'm sorry, Jesus. I know you are disappointed in me.

Dear Jesus, I am sorry that I missed the CBS special about gang violence last Tuesday. The commercial said, "If you care about youth today, you will not miss this very special made-for-TV movie." I do care about youth, and I missed the movie anyway. What good am I, Jesus?

I am sorry, Jesus, that when I drive I sometimes speed. I have no regard for the safety of others. And I am even sorrier that I do not ride the bus. I know they say "Public Transportation—It Only Works If You Get Into It!" I'm sorry, Jesus, that I don't get into it, but I work all the way out in Cedar Grove where there is no service.

I am sorry that I think bad thoughts about people of color. My parked car was hit by an Asian woman and I had some very nasty thoughts. I also get into arguments from time to time, with my husband, who is black. I feel incredible shame about the socioeconomic stratification of this country and the fact that I can do nothing to solve it. I'm sorry.

I am so very lowly, Jesus. Every time I go to the bank, I see the sign that says, "You could be earning 2 percent overhead with a gold passbook account. Why aren't you?" And I have no good answer. I'm sorry, Jesus. I just never take the time.

I am sorry that I do not call my grandmother more often. MCI makes it possible to call the ones I love and get up to 40 percent off my bill. I am low, Jesus.

I'm sorry I rarely check my shampoo for the "not tested on animals" logo. I've seen the posters of the injured bunnies. You must be very, very disappointed in me, Jesus. I am sorry that I enjoy the taste of meat, Jesus. I'm sorry about the whales, Jesus, and about the litter that I sometimes throw on the highway. And I am sorry about the colonization of the New World.

I am sorry that I am not always happy, Jesus. Brightly colored posters have to remind me that, "It's a Rainbow Day!" and to "Smile!" But even then I do not always do so. I will try to be a better person, Jesus.

I promise.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close