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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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I'm Sorry, Jesus

Oh, Jesus, Lord in Heaven, I am sorry for the many sins that I have committed. I will try to do better in the future and will work to be an upstanding member of your community of faithful followers here on Earth. I am sorry that I don't eat right, Jesus. I often choose fatty desserts, even when a healthy alternative such as fresh fruit cup is made available to me. I routinely choose regular dressing when guilt-free low-fat ranch is among my possible choices. Although I have no weight problem, the pressure to do the right thing is overwhelming.

I am sorry that I will often purchase unrecycled notebook paper because I prefer the bright white color. I do the same with paper toweling and napkins, ignoring the glare of the trees featured prominently on the other package. I am sorry that I hide these products from my friends, so they don't think I'm a wasteful monger.

I'm sorry, Jesus, that I sometimes throw plastic bottles out without washing them and placing them in the recycling bin. The bottles even say, "It's our world—let's take care of it!" But sometimes I am late for work, and I just toss them out. I'm sorry, Jesus. I know you are disappointed in me.

Dear Jesus, I am sorry that I missed the CBS special about gang violence last Tuesday. The commercial said, "If you care about youth today, you will not miss this very special made-for-TV movie." I do care about youth, and I missed the movie anyway. What good am I, Jesus?

I am sorry, Jesus, that when I drive I sometimes speed. I have no regard for the safety of others. And I am even sorrier that I do not ride the bus. I know they say "Public Transportation—It Only Works If You Get Into It!" I'm sorry, Jesus, that I don't get into it, but I work all the way out in Cedar Grove where there is no service.

I am sorry that I think bad thoughts about people of color. My parked car was hit by an Asian woman and I had some very nasty thoughts. I also get into arguments from time to time, with my husband, who is black. I feel incredible shame about the socioeconomic stratification of this country and the fact that I can do nothing to solve it. I'm sorry.

I am so very lowly, Jesus. Every time I go to the bank, I see the sign that says, "You could be earning 2 percent overhead with a gold passbook account. Why aren't you?" And I have no good answer. I'm sorry, Jesus. I just never take the time.

I am sorry that I do not call my grandmother more often. MCI makes it possible to call the ones I love and get up to 40 percent off my bill. I am low, Jesus.

I'm sorry I rarely check my shampoo for the "not tested on animals" logo. I've seen the posters of the injured bunnies. You must be very, very disappointed in me, Jesus. I am sorry that I enjoy the taste of meat, Jesus. I'm sorry about the whales, Jesus, and about the litter that I sometimes throw on the highway. And I am sorry about the colonization of the New World.

I am sorry that I am not always happy, Jesus. Brightly colored posters have to remind me that, "It's a Rainbow Day!" and to "Smile!" But even then I do not always do so. I will try to be a better person, Jesus.

I promise.

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