I'm Still Dazzled By The 2007 Emmy Awards!

Top Headlines


Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



I'm Still Dazzled By The 2007 Emmy Awards!

Item! What do you get when you take the brightest television stars, put them in the best theater imaginable and let the cameras roll? No, it's not a new reality series, but rather the greatest awards show of the summer! I'm talking, of course, about the 2007 Emmy Awards, a celebration of the art of television.

I usually try to prepare for the Emmys by watching a lot of television, but this year I had a lot of gardening to do, so I didn't get much of a chance to get myself in the tube mood. Turns out I didn't need it. Ryan Seecrest has really proven himself to be the heir to the Dick Clark throne when it comes to being a natural in front of the camera.

The night wasn't all about good feelings, though. I was sad because Desperate Housewives was robbed! It made me realize how quickly Hollywood can turn its back on a great show. It went away soon enough when Helga Miren won for Best Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie, though. That makes an Oscar and an Emmy for Helga this year, making 2007 the official Year of Miren!

Kudos to the Television Academy of Sciences for making the tough decision to go green this year. The carbon footprint of the entire proceedings was offset by planting a tree somewhere in Oregon. What a lucky tree!

By the way, I'm considering going green myself. I've always been an avid fan of recycling, but now I'm thinking about starting a compost pile. I'm not too keen on keeping a bunch of stinky orange peels and coffee grounds around the house, but if it saves a tree, I'm willing to do my part.

Item! Speaking of television, the new season is finally here! It looks like there's a ton of new shows to capture the imagination, and I can't wait to roll up my sleeves and dive right in! Johnny Gallecki is back, and I couldn't be happier. And another season of Heroes? Super-cool! The new lineup has me thinking: Could Monday be the next Thursday and CBS be the next NBC, with NBC becoming the next ABC?

What's Andie McDowell been up to these days? I see her in makeup ads, but I don't see nearly enough of her where she belongs, on the big screen. Come on, Hollywood! Wake up and smell the casting!

Item! Besides The Transformations, you know who else has more than meets the eye? Actor Shy-Guy LaBoof! From the moment I saw him in Holey Moley, I thought to myself, "There's a kid to keep my eye on." And I was right! With two blockbusters under his belt this year, I think this is really his year. I understand that Mr. LaBoof is Jewish, so mazel tov to you, young man!

Now that the dust has cleared, I am beginning to think I was a little hard on Lindsey Lohen. It's hard to be an entertainment journalist and not hold celebrities up to certain standards. But now that she's pretty much done for, I am going to make a promise. Unless there is some gossip so great that I can't possibly keep it inside, I will not mention her name until she gets another No. 1 movie. Deal?

Item! I'm just gripped by The War, the new World War II documentary by TV filmmaker Charles Burns. Before watching it, I was on the fence about whether those who fought were the greatest generation. Now, I am 100 percent sold. Thanks, PBS, and keep up the good work!

Do they still make NordicTracks? Good exercise should never go out of style.

Item! Seems that exonerated murder suspect O.J. Simpson is in legal trouble again…this time for unpaid parking tickets! Apparently the Juice had been meaning to pay the tickets, but was just distracted, and now has to pay the tickets or face a higher fine! That's what you get when you walk on the wrong side of the law, O.J.!

I think I'm going to spend my next vacation in Vermont. Everyone's always talking about how lovely it is.

Item! What's the deal with all these books about dogs? You can't even walk into a bookstore without running into a stack of them. What about cats? I have three cats and a lot of ideas.

Well, that wraps it up for another edition of the Scoop! Check in next time when I have a great story about James Gandolfini, a trip to the pharmacist, an expired prescription, and a case of mistaken identity. Until then, I'll see you…on the outside!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close