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I'm Taking Cuddliness To A Whole New Level

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

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MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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I'm Taking Cuddliness To A Whole New Level

You've played with other puppies, enjoyed scratching their little heads and rubbing their fuzzy-wuzzy tummies. Heck, you probably thought they were really cute. But what would you say to a cuddliness experience not 100, not 200, but 300 percent better? That's right, folks: I, Cleveland The Puppy, am taking cuddliness to a whole new level.

I know, I know. You're thinking to yourself, "How is Cleveland able to provide so much cuddliness and lovability?" Well, let me tell you. It's all part of my total commitment to providing you, the animal lover, with the absolute best cuddling experience possible.

True, I have the cutest widdle nose and the flop-flop-floppityest ears anyone has ever seen. But the real secret to my unparalleled cuteness is my unwavering dedication to maintaining the proper cuddly attitude. During the four months I've been alive, I've made cuddliness a number-one priority. And the results speak for themselves!

And how did I make this quantum leap in snuggliness? That's simple: The secret lies in my extraordinary five-point P.U.P.P.Y. plan. That stands for Pettability, Undying devotion, Positivity, Preciousness and—most important of all—You, the petter. In the Cleveland Cuddliness System, the petter is king. This revolutionary system, which promotes active involvement in the playing process, fosters a puppy-human play dynamic that virtually guarantees enjoyment and warmth.

Some other puppies may not, but I firmly believe that excellence is more than just a term. It's a mandate that starts with a total commitment to serving the needs of the human. For example, I maintain the softest, fuzziest fur possible. In fact, I have increased my fluffiness by 20 percent in the last month alone. "But how?" you ask. I do it by setting aside time every single morning to lick my coat no fewer than 100 times. I will settle for no less than perfect fur. And why? Because being second best is not an option. The word "almost" is not in Cleveland's vocabulary.

I am always—and I mean always—trying to please, whether I'm playfully lapping up water or just looking out the window with my big brown eyes. You can see that commitment in the way I wag my tail and the way I chase a tennis ball. I look at everything I do and every situation I'm in as a "cute-portunity." I make sure that cuddliness isn't merely something I do, but something I am.

When cuddliness is called for, I deliver. Thousands of satisfied cuddlers already agree that I, Cleveland, will be the nation's cuddling leader for the new millennium. And when I reach the top, I'm not going to give up. I've seen what's happened to other puppies. The second they hit the one-year mark, they start to lose their youthful friskiness and energy. They eat too much and grow big, and before you know it, their oversized ears and paws are proportionate to their bodies. But that won't happen to me. I'm smart enough to know I've got a good thing going, and I'm driven enough to take it all the way.

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