I'm Taking Cuddliness To A Whole New Level

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Vol 35 Issue 28

Subject Of Phone Bill Delicately Broached

ATHENS, GA—The subject of a $174.76 phone bill was delicately broached Monday, when Jeff DeSilva, 21, casually asked roommate Chad Morris if he happened to know anyone in Holmdel, NJ. "Say, Neil, don't you have a buddy in New Jersey, like maybe in Holmdel, or some cool place with a 732 area code like that?" DeSilva asked. "Yeah, aren't you still friends with that guy with the goatee who visited here last year who plays guitar and likes to talk for 49 minutes beginning at 10:32 p.m. on July 29?" Morris, who has been negligent in paying his share of phone bills in the past, is believed to have made made five unclaimed phone calls in the past month, including a 71-minute, $13.47 call to Bremerton, WA, right in the middle of the day.

Area Man Purchases The Devil's Advocate On DVD For Some Reason

MILWAUKEE, W—For reasons unknown at press time, Milwaukee resident Keith Randall purchased the DVD of the 1997 Keanu Reeves-Al Pacino film The Devil's Advocate Monday. Randall, 31, reportedly entered a Blockbuster video store and handed a clerk $21.99 in exchange for the film. "I can't claim to know what he was thinking," said Blockbuster employee Gary Nathan, who sold Randall the DVD, which contains 22 minutes of bonus footage and an exclusive interview with Devil's Advocate director Taylor Hackford. "I'm baffled. I could see maybe watching it once on HBO, but this?"

Home-Schooled Student Opens Fire On Breakfast Nook

OCALA, FL—In the latest act of youth violence to shock the nation, 14-year-old home-schooler Jeffrey Kunz opened fire on the family breakfast nook Monday, killing three and injuring two. "We were just about to start Jeffrey's algebra lesson when I heard several loud pops," said Iris Kunz, 44, the assailant's mother/teacher and one of the injured. "But then I saw blood on Jeffrey's sister Melissa and realized someone was shooting." The gun-wielding teen, who was eventually subdued by SWAT-team agents, was said to be angry at his mother over a science grade.

Clinton 'Very Disappointed' In Missouri

WASHINGTON, DC—At a White House press conference Monday, President Clinton expressed "great disappointment" in Missouri after the state ranked 49th in a recent U.S. News & World Report poll of the best states in which to raise children. "I don't know, maybe it's my fault," Clinton said. "I guess for some reason I just expected something better from Missouri." While the full extent of Missouri's punishment has not been decided, Clinton said it can definitely forget about any federal drought-relief funding.

Lone Teen Rebels Against Mandatory-Nametag Policy

SANDPOINT, ID—Despite repeated warnings from management, 17-year-old kitchen steward Matt Mullen continues to rebel against the Sandpointer Resort Hotel's mandatory-nametag policy, kitchen sources reported Tuesday.

Great Strides Made By Pretty Women In The Past Year

PALM SPRINGS, CA—The last year of the century has been an outstanding one for America's pretty women, the president of the National Organization For Pretty Women said Monday during the group's annual convention and spa retreat in Palm Springs.

Giant Undersea Cephalopods Targeted By Pepsi

PURCHASE, NY—In what ad-industry insiders are calling the most ambitious marketing campaign in history, Pepsico launched a $2.8 billion deep-sea research initiative and media blitz Monday, targeting the elusive giant cephalopods believed to inhabit the oceans' farthest unexplored depths.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

I'm Taking Cuddliness To A Whole New Level

You've played with other puppies, enjoyed scratching their little heads and rubbing their fuzzy-wuzzy tummies. Heck, you probably thought they were really cute. But what would you say to a cuddliness experience not 100, not 200, but 300 percent better? That's right, folks: I, Cleveland The Puppy, am taking cuddliness to a whole new level.

I know, I know. You're thinking to yourself, "How is Cleveland able to provide so much cuddliness and lovability?" Well, let me tell you. It's all part of my total commitment to providing you, the animal lover, with the absolute best cuddling experience possible.

True, I have the cutest widdle nose and the flop-flop-floppityest ears anyone has ever seen. But the real secret to my unparalleled cuteness is my unwavering dedication to maintaining the proper cuddly attitude. During the four months I've been alive, I've made cuddliness a number-one priority. And the results speak for themselves!

And how did I make this quantum leap in snuggliness? That's simple: The secret lies in my extraordinary five-point P.U.P.P.Y. plan. That stands for Pettability, Undying devotion, Positivity, Preciousness and—most important of all—You, the petter. In the Cleveland Cuddliness System, the petter is king. This revolutionary system, which promotes active involvement in the playing process, fosters a puppy-human play dynamic that virtually guarantees enjoyment and warmth.

Some other puppies may not, but I firmly believe that excellence is more than just a term. It's a mandate that starts with a total commitment to serving the needs of the human. For example, I maintain the softest, fuzziest fur possible. In fact, I have increased my fluffiness by 20 percent in the last month alone. "But how?" you ask. I do it by setting aside time every single morning to lick my coat no fewer than 100 times. I will settle for no less than perfect fur. And why? Because being second best is not an option. The word "almost" is not in Cleveland's vocabulary.

I am always—and I mean always—trying to please, whether I'm playfully lapping up water or just looking out the window with my big brown eyes. You can see that commitment in the way I wag my tail and the way I chase a tennis ball. I look at everything I do and every situation I'm in as a "cute-portunity." I make sure that cuddliness isn't merely something I do, but something I am.

When cuddliness is called for, I deliver. Thousands of satisfied cuddlers already agree that I, Cleveland, will be the nation's cuddling leader for the new millennium. And when I reach the top, I'm not going to give up. I've seen what's happened to other puppies. The second they hit the one-year mark, they start to lose their youthful friskiness and energy. They eat too much and grow big, and before you know it, their oversized ears and paws are proportionate to their bodies. But that won't happen to me. I'm smart enough to know I've got a good thing going, and I'm driven enough to take it all the way.

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