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I'm Taking Cuddliness To A Whole New Level

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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I'm Taking Cuddliness To A Whole New Level

You've played with other puppies, enjoyed scratching their little heads and rubbing their fuzzy-wuzzy tummies. Heck, you probably thought they were really cute. But what would you say to a cuddliness experience not 100, not 200, but 300 percent better? That's right, folks: I, Cleveland The Puppy, am taking cuddliness to a whole new level.

I know, I know. You're thinking to yourself, "How is Cleveland able to provide so much cuddliness and lovability?" Well, let me tell you. It's all part of my total commitment to providing you, the animal lover, with the absolute best cuddling experience possible.

True, I have the cutest widdle nose and the flop-flop-floppityest ears anyone has ever seen. But the real secret to my unparalleled cuteness is my unwavering dedication to maintaining the proper cuddly attitude. During the four months I've been alive, I've made cuddliness a number-one priority. And the results speak for themselves!

And how did I make this quantum leap in snuggliness? That's simple: The secret lies in my extraordinary five-point P.U.P.P.Y. plan. That stands for Pettability, Undying devotion, Positivity, Preciousness and—most important of all—You, the petter. In the Cleveland Cuddliness System, the petter is king. This revolutionary system, which promotes active involvement in the playing process, fosters a puppy-human play dynamic that virtually guarantees enjoyment and warmth.

Some other puppies may not, but I firmly believe that excellence is more than just a term. It's a mandate that starts with a total commitment to serving the needs of the human. For example, I maintain the softest, fuzziest fur possible. In fact, I have increased my fluffiness by 20 percent in the last month alone. "But how?" you ask. I do it by setting aside time every single morning to lick my coat no fewer than 100 times. I will settle for no less than perfect fur. And why? Because being second best is not an option. The word "almost" is not in Cleveland's vocabulary.

I am always—and I mean always—trying to please, whether I'm playfully lapping up water or just looking out the window with my big brown eyes. You can see that commitment in the way I wag my tail and the way I chase a tennis ball. I look at everything I do and every situation I'm in as a "cute-portunity." I make sure that cuddliness isn't merely something I do, but something I am.

When cuddliness is called for, I deliver. Thousands of satisfied cuddlers already agree that I, Cleveland, will be the nation's cuddling leader for the new millennium. And when I reach the top, I'm not going to give up. I've seen what's happened to other puppies. The second they hit the one-year mark, they start to lose their youthful friskiness and energy. They eat too much and grow big, and before you know it, their oversized ears and paws are proportionate to their bodies. But that won't happen to me. I'm smart enough to know I've got a good thing going, and I'm driven enough to take it all the way.

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