I'm Taking Cuddliness To A Whole New Level

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

Several global advocacy groups, including the World Health Organization, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch, are calling for the decriminalization of prostitution, but many are fighting to keep the practice illegal, citing the moral, ethical, and practical concerns of condoning the sale of sex. Here are the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

I'm Taking Cuddliness To A Whole New Level

You've played with other puppies, enjoyed scratching their little heads and rubbing their fuzzy-wuzzy tummies. Heck, you probably thought they were really cute. But what would you say to a cuddliness experience not 100, not 200, but 300 percent better? That's right, folks: I, Cleveland The Puppy, am taking cuddliness to a whole new level.

I know, I know. You're thinking to yourself, "How is Cleveland able to provide so much cuddliness and lovability?" Well, let me tell you. It's all part of my total commitment to providing you, the animal lover, with the absolute best cuddling experience possible.

True, I have the cutest widdle nose and the flop-flop-floppityest ears anyone has ever seen. But the real secret to my unparalleled cuteness is my unwavering dedication to maintaining the proper cuddly attitude. During the four months I've been alive, I've made cuddliness a number-one priority. And the results speak for themselves!

And how did I make this quantum leap in snuggliness? That's simple: The secret lies in my extraordinary five-point P.U.P.P.Y. plan. That stands for Pettability, Undying devotion, Positivity, Preciousness and—most important of all—You, the petter. In the Cleveland Cuddliness System, the petter is king. This revolutionary system, which promotes active involvement in the playing process, fosters a puppy-human play dynamic that virtually guarantees enjoyment and warmth.

Some other puppies may not, but I firmly believe that excellence is more than just a term. It's a mandate that starts with a total commitment to serving the needs of the human. For example, I maintain the softest, fuzziest fur possible. In fact, I have increased my fluffiness by 20 percent in the last month alone. "But how?" you ask. I do it by setting aside time every single morning to lick my coat no fewer than 100 times. I will settle for no less than perfect fur. And why? Because being second best is not an option. The word "almost" is not in Cleveland's vocabulary.

I am always—and I mean always—trying to please, whether I'm playfully lapping up water or just looking out the window with my big brown eyes. You can see that commitment in the way I wag my tail and the way I chase a tennis ball. I look at everything I do and every situation I'm in as a "cute-portunity." I make sure that cuddliness isn't merely something I do, but something I am.

When cuddliness is called for, I deliver. Thousands of satisfied cuddlers already agree that I, Cleveland, will be the nation's cuddling leader for the new millennium. And when I reach the top, I'm not going to give up. I've seen what's happened to other puppies. The second they hit the one-year mark, they start to lose their youthful friskiness and energy. They eat too much and grow big, and before you know it, their oversized ears and paws are proportionate to their bodies. But that won't happen to me. I'm smart enough to know I've got a good thing going, and I'm driven enough to take it all the way.