I'm The Proud Owner Of Gary Coleman's Spatula!

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Vol 35 Issue 45

Pregame Prayer

Citing separation of church and state, a Texas judge recently banned students at a Galveston high school from praying before home football games. The case is being appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. What do you think about pregame prayer?

CD Club Somehow Tracks Down Local Woman

CAMDEN, NJ—Despite moving four times in the past four years and switching credit cards twice, Liz Brower was somehow tracked down Monday by BMG Music Service. "Wow, I thought for sure I'd lost them," said Brower, who still owes $19.11 for Belly's King—the featured alternative-rock selection for November 1995—which she received after failing to fill out her response card in time. "Those guys really know how to find a person." Brower is also on the run from Columbia House, to whom she owes $41.04 for Soul Asylum's Grave Dancers Union and Toad The Wet Sprocket's Dulcinea.

Wondrous World Of Fishes Last Checked Out 4/17/67

INDIANOLA, MS—According to a report from a pair of bored teens, The Wondrous World Of Fishes was last checked out of the Indianola Public Library on April 17, 1967. "Hey, check it out—this one's been here since '67," Brad McEvoy, 14, told friend Todd Tyler, 13, while trying to find the library book with the longest unborrowed streak Monday. "Dude, that's like 30 years." Despite the disuse, Houghton-Mifflin, the book's publisher, said it stands behind The Wondrous World Of Fishes, calling it "an exciting, educational look at life beneath the sea."

AAA Member Pulled First From Car Crash

YAKIMA, WA—American Automobile Association member Janet Klugh enjoyed one of the many perks of membership in the organization Monday, when she was pulled first from the wreckage of a violent two-car collision on Hwy. C. "It was wonderful," Klugh said. "Even though the driver of the other car was more seriously injured, pinned beneath the wheel with her left lung collapsed, the AAA paramedics helped me first." Klugh also enjoyed free bandages and a TripTik® with directions to a local hospital.

Area Man Finally In Enough Pain To Go To Doctor

WICHITA FALLS, TX—After three days of steadily increasing discomfort, local resident James Furness, 46, was finally in enough pain Monday to have his sprained right ankle examined by a doctor. "Fuck it, I give," said Furness, who twisted the ankle while mowing his lawn Friday. "I thought it might go away by itself, or just with a little ice, but the bastard's all swollen up like a cow's." After driving 12 miles to his doctor's office using only his left foot, Furness was subjected to a 20-minute lecture from his physician on the importance of prompt medical attention.

Entire House Implicated By Phish Poster

ALBANY, NY—A large Phish poster decorating the living room of a four-bedroom apartment on Broome Street has come under fire from the apartment's three non-Phish-supporting roommates, sources revealed Tuesday. "Because of Ryan's poster, everybody who comes over here automatically assumes that I'm a big, Phish-loving hippie," resident Douglas Beckert, 20, said of the 4'x6' "Picture Of Nectar" wall hanging. "Certain posters, you can hang in a living room without people making assumptions about your lifestyle, but not this one." Beckert has advocated replacing the Phish poster with one of The Beatles or Pink Floyd.

The Belfast Accord

On Dec. 7, power in Northern Ireland was transferred from London to Belfast, ending 27 years of direct rule by Britain. What are the terms of the agreement?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Personal Finance

Late Night

I'm The Proud Owner Of Gary Coleman's Spatula!

Item! "Short-perstar" Gary Coleman is broke... and I'm the better for it! Out of money, the down-and-out Diff'rent Stroker recently put his belongings up for auction on the Internet, and none other than yours truly was the winner of his spatula! I won't divulge the exact amount of my bid, but suffice to say, it was in the high one-figures. I can't wait to cook up some of my famous Harvey Hash Browns with my famous Gary Coleman spatula!

Attention all you Kevin Kliniacs... Wild Wild West is finally out on video!

Item! Do I hear wedding bells for Brad? Hunktor extraordinaire Brad Pitt was seen wining and dining good "Friend" Jennifer Aniston at a Manhattan bistro last Saturday, and it was anything but a Fight Club. In fact, the way they were making goo-goo eyes at each other, it was more like a Love Club! Rumor has it, the next day, Brad got down on one knee during a stroll in Central Park, but it's unclear whether he was proposing or just adjusting a pesky left shoelace. Stay tuned!

Good luck to Celine Dion, who is putting down her microphone to try to have a little Canadian songbird of her own. Her husband/manager Rene has been patiently waiting to impregnate Celine since she was 10 years old, and the time finally seems right.

Item! Michael Jackson is looking at the man at the mirror, and do you know what he sees? Horror writer Edgar Allan Poe! That's right, the King of Pop has signed on to play the King of Scary Stories in an upcoming film. According to my sources, he's preparing for the role by growing a beard, dressing in black and scaring people. Sounds like a real "Thriller"!

It's worth the extra money to get the best foot insoles you possibly can.

In the eating-my-words department, when Jason Priestley left Beverly Hills 90210 last year, I quipped that he wouldn't be able to get arrested in Hollywood. Boy, was I wrong! Priestley was arrested last week for reckless driving, possibly while drunk. I guess I should stick to reporting the hot Hollywood news instead of predicting the future.

As long as we're on the subject, I want to take this opportunity to be serious for a moment about drunk driving. You should not do it. Ever. I don't care if George Clooney himself is telling you that it's cool to get behind the wheel after a few drinks, you should take a cab instead. You'll be happier in the long run.

Somebody cancel my credit card! It's holiday shopping time, and I'm a menace to society! (Make that my bank account!)

I saw Sleepy Hollow last weekend, and I have to say that Walt Disney must be turning over in his grave from what's been done to his timeless classic. In the new version, Ichabod Crane is not a detective, and he's not gangly or awkward, either. And the blood! Not since Saving Private Ryan have I seen a movie this violent. On the other hand, Johnny Depp and Christina Ricci make a pretty good team. While they're on the screen, headless sparks fly! The word on the grapevine is that the pair has rekindled the romance that began on the set of Mermaids. But you didn't hear it from me!

I smell Oscar... and once again, it's coming from the direction of Tom Hanks! The Milo Greene Story, based on a Clive Cussler play, looks like it's sure to lift the human spirit and leave moviegoers feeling downright triumphant! First Splash, then Joe Versus The Volcano, now this. Can Tom Terrific do no wrong?

Everywhere I go, it's millennium, millennium, millennium! It seems that people everywhere are all excited about making plans for the big event. And guess what? Yours truly is no exception! I have not one, but two parties I've been invited to this New Year's. Actually, I was really hoping to ring in 2000 at the big Jon Secada concert at Madison Square Garden, but tickets started at $450, and I just don't have that kind of cash. Donations, however, will be gladly accepted!

Speaking of millennium, I just heard the new Phil Collins album, Phillennium, and I'm hooked!

Item! Game-show mania has gripped the nation like a python grips a rabbit. But unlike the python, the game-show craze isn't going to consume us--it's going to entertain us! Are You A Millionaire? is far and away the most popular one and, having watched several episodes, I can see why. It's like the thrill of a game show coupled with the thrill of sitting next to Regis Philbin for an hour. There's another one on Fox that I haven't seen yet called Three's A Crowd, but I'm not very interested. It's hosted by that obscene Bob Eubanks and is probably filled with jokes that would make sailors blush. I'll probably watch it for the sake of research, but I won't like it!

What's the deal with Pokemon? I mean, is that little yellow thing called Pikachu or Pokemon? And how exactly can I catch them all? I don't even know what they are! Someone, help!

Item! Funnyman Jim Carrey is again filling the silver screen, and he's playing yet another real-life figure. Following up his smash turn as Harry Truman, the master comic is now portraying Taxi star Jeff Conaway. To be honest, I didn't know who Jeff Conaway was until my intern told me he was the guy who played aspiring actor Bobby Wheeler, not to mention Kenickie. To whomever is responsible for bringing this handsome, enigmatic man's life story to the big screen, I've got one thing to say: Dank you veddy much!

If most nuclear physicists look anything like Bond gal pal Denise Richards, sign me up!

DVDs... Should I get one or not? On the one hand, they're small and shiny, and they won't wear out. (I'm already on my third VHS copy of Sleepless In Seattle.) On the down side, you can't record on them and can't play your existing videotapes on them. Whatever advice you have is greatly appreciated, loyal readers.

Action fans, take note: Arnold Schwarzenegger is back! 'Nuff said!

Just in time for the holidays, director Kevin Williamson has released a potty-mouthed movie called Dogma that purportedly takes on the Catholic church. The movie stars couple Ben Kingsley and Matt Damon as a pair of angels--but they're no angels! Instead, they carry guns and curse. I'm not a Catholic (I was raised a decent Lutheran), but I don't think it's appropriate to mock a religion like that. Shame on Williamson for his bad taste and questionable judgment!

Sorry if I've been a little hot-headed in this column. I guess I've been on edge ever since I went to the doctor and found out that I have a mild allergy to shellfish. I'm such a lobster lover, they may as well have told me I have six months to live! But despite my crankiness, I do want to take this holiday time to thank you for letting me into your home, faithful reader. I know there are a lot of gossip columns out there, and they're all supposedly telling you the real dirt, so it means a lot to me that you'd choose mine. And it would mean even more to me if you'd write my editor and tell him how much you enjoy this column.

Remember, if you're looking to the sky this holiday season and see an extra-bright light, it's either the Star of Bethlehem, indicating that the Rapture is soon upon us, or it's another heavenly premiere from the Hollywood dream factory. So, until next time, this is Jackie Harvey, wishing you a happy, star-studded holiday season!

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