I'm The Toast Of Vaudeville

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Vol 32 Issue 12

Man Has Amazing Ass

TASHEN, OH—Sculpted, tight, and slightly lofted, resident Lance Holdger's ass is naturally tan and completely hairless.

Area Panties In A Bunch

CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to Cross Plains police, a pair of panties was discovered Monday wound up in a bunch and badly in need of loosening. "Whoever owned these panties," Cross Plains police chief Raymond Zorn said, "obviously needed to relax.” Failure to chill out, Zorn said, is the number one reason over three million pairs of panties become bunched in the U.S. each year. Zorn said it is still too early to tell if there is a connection between the panty-bunching incident and Friday’s discovery of a pair of Atlanta-area undies in a bundle.

Charlton Heston Gets Serious

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After nearly 40 years of wacky, lighthearted comedic roles, actor Charlton Heston finally got serious Tuesday, accepting a part in a four-hour Biblical epic to air on TNT. "I have spent my entire career doing pratfalls and mugging for the camera," Heston said. "Now I intend to wipe the smirk off my face and take on a serious, dramatic role." In the TNT drama, titled The Holy Bible, Heston will play the Biblical character Moses. Asked if he expects the transition from comedy to drama to be difficult, Heston said: "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty apes!"

Congress Names Very Special Prosecutor

WASHINGTON, DC—In its most inspirational appointment in years, Congress named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Baltimore boy with Down Syndrome, Very Special Prosecutor to the ongoing White House fundraising investigation Monday. "Michael is very special. He is fun, loves to laugh, and is always smiling," U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN) said. When informed of his appointment, Barnett waved a pen and said, "I’m a special boy!" He then accidentally signed an order for the Marines to seize all private property in the U.S. Thompson quickly nullified the order, saying, "Michael is very special, and I know he’ll be trying very hard. And that’s what’s important."

Coroner's Report: John Denver Had Sunshine On Shoulders At Time Of Crash

MONTEREY, CA—According to a Monterey County coroner’s report released Monday, singer John Denver had a shoulder-sunshine level of .27—more than two times the legal limit—at the time of his fatal airplane crash into Monterey Bay on Oct. 12. "Our autopsy discovered a substantial quantity of sunshine on and around Mr. Denver’s shoulders, more than enough to make him high," Monterey County chief coroner Richard Bozell said. "It is my opinion that it would be difficult for even the most experienced pilot to safely operate an aircraft while high on that much sunshine." Denver, who battled sunshine addiction throughout his career, was 53.

Hero Firefighter: 'I'm A Hero'

MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who rescued an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by himself as a hero this week. "What I did was incredibly brave," said Koonce, who descended all the way down the three-foot-wide well to recover eight-month-old Midland resident Melissa Sims. "In selflessly risking my own life to rescue little Melissa, I am an inspiration to those around me and proof that heroes do exist," he said. Koonce noted that once the girl was recovered, he performed rescue breathing on her, reviving her from a semi-conscious state. "I saved this child," he said. "I am Yahweh, Giver Of Life."

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors:

CLOTTS, VT—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

I'm The Toast Of Vaudeville

Forget Milton Berle! Forget Fanny Brice! Forget the Ritz Brothers! They don't hold a candle to me, because I'm the Toast of Vaudeville! I've done it all—crooned with Cantor, joked with Jolson, and tap-danced at the Palace with Gypsy Rose Lee.

I'm a headliner, a juggler, a ventriloquist and a tenor all wrapped up into one showbiz colossus. First, I warm 'em up with a little acrobatic derring-do, followed by an old Irish ditty my Mama used to sing to me, then I send 'em rolling in the aisles with a little seltzer down the pants! Just throw on the spotlights and grab onto your seats, because you ain't seen nothin' yet!

Whether I'm doing one of my Gilbert & Sullivan medleys, riding my golden unicycle, or taking a custard pie in the puss, you can bet the house will be packed to the rafters. Why? Because the name Benny Fielding means one thing: non-stop entertainment!

Nobody leaves my show unsatisfied. I've done all the big venues—the Hippodrome, the Rialto, the Colonial Theater in Boston—and wherever I've been, the Fielding name is legend. They can't help but recall my trained seal act, my bawdy limericks, or my scandalous fan dance.

Eddie Foy, eat your heart out!

After my show, you won't catch anyone throwing rotten tomatoes or threatening me with "the hook." When that audience sees me up there on bended knee, dressed in my red-and-white striped suit, clutching my straw hat and singing "Sweet Adeline," a shower of roses crosses the proscenium arch and the audience's tears of joy are punctuated by thunderous applause.

Some people say Vaudeville is dead. They say the moving pictures and the phonograph cylinder are putting live shows out of business. They say that one day, people will be able to enjoy high-quality entertainment in their own homes. Well I say fiddlesticks!

Nothing can replace the song-and-dance man as the czar of entertainment. Who wants to pay to stare at a wall when the finest names in showbiz are performing right next door for 25 cents? It's the Harry Houdinis, the Edgar Bergens and the Sophie Tuckers who are keeping burlesque alive and well in the '90s!

Why, just yesterday, Mr. George M. Cohan sent me a telegram thanking me for including his numbers in my act. I said, "George, if you'd just stop writing all those patriotic songs and write a nice love ballad for me, you and I might become the Wizards of Tin Pan Alley!" I was joking, of course, because it's George's songs that are helping our fighting men in the trenches of Europe.

No, friends, Vaudeville is as timeless as the minstrel show, as precious as the can-can, and as ever-changing as the one-liners of Henny Youngman. And as long as I, Benny Fielding, have anything to say about it, the live stage show will stay aloft longer than the plates in my famous plate-spinning routine.

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