I'm Thinking About Getting A Dog To Neglect

Top Headlines

Recent News

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I'm Thinking About Getting A Dog To Neglect

I have a hole in my life. It's small, has four legs, a shiny coat, and maybe even one of those teeny corkscrew tails that wags when it's happy to see me. Yes, it's a dog—a huggable little munchkin who's there for me anytime I happen to be at home and in the mood for some limited companionship.

I'm just dying to get a sweet, sweet puppy, one I can love will all my heart to the extent that it's convenient for me.

Do you know why I want one so bad? Because they are full of love! They're snuggly. They don't know that you aren't fit to own them. They adore you no matter what. And that's exactly what's missing from my life: the kind of nonjudgmental creature who doesn't clash with my living room furniture and allows me to say "I have a dog" to anyone I think it will impress.

It would just be so great to come home after a 10-hour day to an innocent, eager face that you could shower with phrases like "Who's a good boy?" and "Did you miss Momma?" for a few seconds before settling down to watch TV, ignoring its yipping and yapping for the rest of the night.

And if it were a cuddly little sweetheart, I'd let it sleep on my bed whenever it wanted, unless I had company, or it was too hot out, or it started shedding on my good sheets, or I just needed to stretch out across the whole bed to get comfy.

Oh, I want one, I want one, I want one!

Something that relies on me for its every need, something that's completely helpless because every natural defense its species once possessed has been bred out of it. A lovable critter who has no choice but to show me unconditional love, howling uncontrolably every time I leave because deep down in its adorable little head it can't be sure I'm ever coming back.

I'd name it Cherry!

Plus, this is the perfect time for me to get a dog. I never used to be responsible enough to neglect a pet, but now I'm old enough to know you're supposed to take it for walks and pick up after it, and I can make the adult decision not to do so. I'm sure I have enough initiative to let a living, breathing animal scratch at the door for hours on end because I've been out all weekend and have a raging hangover and don't have the energy to walk downstairs and let it out.

But you know, I don't have to leave it home all the time. Think how cute it would be if I put it in my handbag, leaving the zipper open just a bit so it could poke out its tiny pug nose! I could bring it with me to a bar, where it could get passed around to all my friends and occasionally stepped on, or tied to a chair when I wanted to go dance or shoot some pool.

Just imagine! A fun sidekick and a friend whom I could confide in but who wouldn't judge me, someone who would pick me up when I was feeling down but at other times could be completely ignored without consequence. A pal who would lay a head down on my lap to get a casual scratch behind the ears after a night of being left out in the cold.

That's another wonderful thing about dogs. If you need to talk on the phone, you can just put it outside and leave it there while you catch up with a friend or order a pizza or whatever. Then, when you decide you need it again and remember where you left it, you can throw open the door and it will come running in all excited to see you!

Oh! A Shih Tzu!

Shih Tzus are such pretty things. I could put a cute sweater on it, put bows in its long hair, and forget it at the groomer, where I'd take it each time I failed to brush the tangles out of its coat. And none of my friends have Shih Tzus, so I would have unique status in my social circle, and that's an important factor in compatibility.

You know what, maybe a Pomeranian. They're small, right?

But really, any dog would do. I just want something that has a pedigree and can go days without interacting with another living organism. Then, after a couple of years, if it worked out all right, maybe I could just get rid of the dog and have a child.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close