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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

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IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

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I'm Thinking About Getting A Dog To Neglect

I have a hole in my life. It's small, has four legs, a shiny coat, and maybe even one of those teeny corkscrew tails that wags when it's happy to see me. Yes, it's a dog—a huggable little munchkin who's there for me anytime I happen to be at home and in the mood for some limited companionship.

I'm just dying to get a sweet, sweet puppy, one I can love will all my heart to the extent that it's convenient for me.

Do you know why I want one so bad? Because they are full of love! They're snuggly. They don't know that you aren't fit to own them. They adore you no matter what. And that's exactly what's missing from my life: the kind of nonjudgmental creature who doesn't clash with my living room furniture and allows me to say "I have a dog" to anyone I think it will impress.

It would just be so great to come home after a 10-hour day to an innocent, eager face that you could shower with phrases like "Who's a good boy?" and "Did you miss Momma?" for a few seconds before settling down to watch TV, ignoring its yipping and yapping for the rest of the night.

And if it were a cuddly little sweetheart, I'd let it sleep on my bed whenever it wanted, unless I had company, or it was too hot out, or it started shedding on my good sheets, or I just needed to stretch out across the whole bed to get comfy.

Oh, I want one, I want one, I want one!

Something that relies on me for its every need, something that's completely helpless because every natural defense its species once possessed has been bred out of it. A lovable critter who has no choice but to show me unconditional love, howling uncontrolably every time I leave because deep down in its adorable little head it can't be sure I'm ever coming back.

I'd name it Cherry!

Plus, this is the perfect time for me to get a dog. I never used to be responsible enough to neglect a pet, but now I'm old enough to know you're supposed to take it for walks and pick up after it, and I can make the adult decision not to do so. I'm sure I have enough initiative to let a living, breathing animal scratch at the door for hours on end because I've been out all weekend and have a raging hangover and don't have the energy to walk downstairs and let it out.

But you know, I don't have to leave it home all the time. Think how cute it would be if I put it in my handbag, leaving the zipper open just a bit so it could poke out its tiny pug nose! I could bring it with me to a bar, where it could get passed around to all my friends and occasionally stepped on, or tied to a chair when I wanted to go dance or shoot some pool.

Just imagine! A fun sidekick and a friend whom I could confide in but who wouldn't judge me, someone who would pick me up when I was feeling down but at other times could be completely ignored without consequence. A pal who would lay a head down on my lap to get a casual scratch behind the ears after a night of being left out in the cold.

That's another wonderful thing about dogs. If you need to talk on the phone, you can just put it outside and leave it there while you catch up with a friend or order a pizza or whatever. Then, when you decide you need it again and remember where you left it, you can throw open the door and it will come running in all excited to see you!

Oh! A Shih Tzu!

Shih Tzus are such pretty things. I could put a cute sweater on it, put bows in its long hair, and forget it at the groomer, where I'd take it each time I failed to brush the tangles out of its coat. And none of my friends have Shih Tzus, so I would have unique status in my social circle, and that's an important factor in compatibility.

You know what, maybe a Pomeranian. They're small, right?

But really, any dog would do. I just want something that has a pedigree and can go days without interacting with another living organism. Then, after a couple of years, if it worked out all right, maybe I could just get rid of the dog and have a child.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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