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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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I'm Thinking About Getting A Dog To Neglect

I have a hole in my life. It's small, has four legs, a shiny coat, and maybe even one of those teeny corkscrew tails that wags when it's happy to see me. Yes, it's a dog—a huggable little munchkin who's there for me anytime I happen to be at home and in the mood for some limited companionship.

I'm just dying to get a sweet, sweet puppy, one I can love will all my heart to the extent that it's convenient for me.

Do you know why I want one so bad? Because they are full of love! They're snuggly. They don't know that you aren't fit to own them. They adore you no matter what. And that's exactly what's missing from my life: the kind of nonjudgmental creature who doesn't clash with my living room furniture and allows me to say "I have a dog" to anyone I think it will impress.

It would just be so great to come home after a 10-hour day to an innocent, eager face that you could shower with phrases like "Who's a good boy?" and "Did you miss Momma?" for a few seconds before settling down to watch TV, ignoring its yipping and yapping for the rest of the night.

And if it were a cuddly little sweetheart, I'd let it sleep on my bed whenever it wanted, unless I had company, or it was too hot out, or it started shedding on my good sheets, or I just needed to stretch out across the whole bed to get comfy.

Oh, I want one, I want one, I want one!

Something that relies on me for its every need, something that's completely helpless because every natural defense its species once possessed has been bred out of it. A lovable critter who has no choice but to show me unconditional love, howling uncontrolably every time I leave because deep down in its adorable little head it can't be sure I'm ever coming back.

I'd name it Cherry!

Plus, this is the perfect time for me to get a dog. I never used to be responsible enough to neglect a pet, but now I'm old enough to know you're supposed to take it for walks and pick up after it, and I can make the adult decision not to do so. I'm sure I have enough initiative to let a living, breathing animal scratch at the door for hours on end because I've been out all weekend and have a raging hangover and don't have the energy to walk downstairs and let it out.

But you know, I don't have to leave it home all the time. Think how cute it would be if I put it in my handbag, leaving the zipper open just a bit so it could poke out its tiny pug nose! I could bring it with me to a bar, where it could get passed around to all my friends and occasionally stepped on, or tied to a chair when I wanted to go dance or shoot some pool.

Just imagine! A fun sidekick and a friend whom I could confide in but who wouldn't judge me, someone who would pick me up when I was feeling down but at other times could be completely ignored without consequence. A pal who would lay a head down on my lap to get a casual scratch behind the ears after a night of being left out in the cold.

That's another wonderful thing about dogs. If you need to talk on the phone, you can just put it outside and leave it there while you catch up with a friend or order a pizza or whatever. Then, when you decide you need it again and remember where you left it, you can throw open the door and it will come running in all excited to see you!

Oh! A Shih Tzu!

Shih Tzus are such pretty things. I could put a cute sweater on it, put bows in its long hair, and forget it at the groomer, where I'd take it each time I failed to brush the tangles out of its coat. And none of my friends have Shih Tzus, so I would have unique status in my social circle, and that's an important factor in compatibility.

You know what, maybe a Pomeranian. They're small, right?

But really, any dog would do. I just want something that has a pedigree and can go days without interacting with another living organism. Then, after a couple of years, if it worked out all right, maybe I could just get rid of the dog and have a child.

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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