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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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I'm T.J. Maxxed Out

I'm a real bargain hunter, so where there's a sale you're likely to find me. I spent the entire morning at T.J. Maxx's big Winter Clearance Sale, and let me tell you—I am T.J. Maxxed out! I had to stop back at home and drop off my five bags overflowing with Anne Taylor business suits and Liz Claiborne blouses before I could even think about heading off to Nordstrom's Rack. But the best part is that I didn't pay full price for anything! I get high-quality, name-brand fashions at a fraction of the cost because I have shopping savvy.

Yesterday I got some not-to-be-missed deals on winter separates at Marshall's. They had Croft and Barrow misses' cotton ribbed mock turtleneck sweaters as far as the eye could see. I can't wait to add up the original price tags to find out how much being a smart shopper has saved me this week.

My best girlfriend Joan and I had a contest once to see who could save more. The difference between the original prices on my eight satisfaction-guaranteed purchases and the sale prices I paid was $62. I beat Joan easily—she only saved $20 by getting two pairs of stretch career pants from the Misses' Corporate Casual Separates section of Mandee's for 40 percent off. That was pretty good, but as I like to say, "If you can't take the competition, get out of the shoe aisle!"

And speaking of shoes, I've got big plans for tomorrow. The new sandals are in at Payless! I have no idea how they sell those shoes so cheap. I wouldn't be surprised if the next sale I go to at Payless is a "Going Out Of Business" sale. I wouldn't know whether to jump for joy at all those great mark-downs or cry because my favorite shoe store would be gone forever.

Last summer, I took a road-trip to New York City. It was incredible. Along the interstate, all the way from Cleveland to the coast, were beautiful factory outlet malls. Do you have any idea how much you can save by cutting out the middle man?

As I pulled into the Westfield Factory Outlet near Erie, PA, the signs taunted me. Where should I go first? Union Bay? L.L. Bean? Mikasa? I knew I had better clear my head and develop a system, or I was likely to skip a Contempo Casuals store by accident.

Barely walking 20 feet, I found Levi's for $22.99. "Is this within the confines of the law?" I yelled, grabbing 18 pairs of cuffed shorts. The clerk assured me that it was. I almost fainted when I saw Calvin Klein crewneck tees for $13. Had I crossed the border into Mexico? Or had I died and gone to heaven?

The car was so loaded down with Esprit stretch pants and two-dollar trouser socks that the back end scraped all the way to New York City, but I wasn't about to cut my dream vacation short. I pulled over just short of the George Washington Bridge, and there it was: Filene's Basement! A sales associate directed me down the escalator to the dresses, and within a minute I had sunk my body into the plush racks of Elizabeth Arden wardrobe classics—name-brand clothing at just a fraction of the price.

Squeezing myself between the silk coordinates and the woven tops, I was kept upright by the force of the tightly packed clothing, enclosed in a comforting womb of bargain-priced fabric. The distinctive smell of unsullied rayon blends gave me a heady rush. I clutched my handbag instinctively and fell into a deep and satisfying slumber. I had found the bargain basement!

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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