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I'm T.J. Maxxed Out

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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I'm T.J. Maxxed Out

I'm a real bargain hunter, so where there's a sale you're likely to find me. I spent the entire morning at T.J. Maxx's big Winter Clearance Sale, and let me tell you—I am T.J. Maxxed out! I had to stop back at home and drop off my five bags overflowing with Anne Taylor business suits and Liz Claiborne blouses before I could even think about heading off to Nordstrom's Rack. But the best part is that I didn't pay full price for anything! I get high-quality, name-brand fashions at a fraction of the cost because I have shopping savvy.

Yesterday I got some not-to-be-missed deals on winter separates at Marshall's. They had Croft and Barrow misses' cotton ribbed mock turtleneck sweaters as far as the eye could see. I can't wait to add up the original price tags to find out how much being a smart shopper has saved me this week.

My best girlfriend Joan and I had a contest once to see who could save more. The difference between the original prices on my eight satisfaction-guaranteed purchases and the sale prices I paid was $62. I beat Joan easily—she only saved $20 by getting two pairs of stretch career pants from the Misses' Corporate Casual Separates section of Mandee's for 40 percent off. That was pretty good, but as I like to say, "If you can't take the competition, get out of the shoe aisle!"

And speaking of shoes, I've got big plans for tomorrow. The new sandals are in at Payless! I have no idea how they sell those shoes so cheap. I wouldn't be surprised if the next sale I go to at Payless is a "Going Out Of Business" sale. I wouldn't know whether to jump for joy at all those great mark-downs or cry because my favorite shoe store would be gone forever.

Last summer, I took a road-trip to New York City. It was incredible. Along the interstate, all the way from Cleveland to the coast, were beautiful factory outlet malls. Do you have any idea how much you can save by cutting out the middle man?

As I pulled into the Westfield Factory Outlet near Erie, PA, the signs taunted me. Where should I go first? Union Bay? L.L. Bean? Mikasa? I knew I had better clear my head and develop a system, or I was likely to skip a Contempo Casuals store by accident.

Barely walking 20 feet, I found Levi's for $22.99. "Is this within the confines of the law?" I yelled, grabbing 18 pairs of cuffed shorts. The clerk assured me that it was. I almost fainted when I saw Calvin Klein crewneck tees for $13. Had I crossed the border into Mexico? Or had I died and gone to heaven?

The car was so loaded down with Esprit stretch pants and two-dollar trouser socks that the back end scraped all the way to New York City, but I wasn't about to cut my dream vacation short. I pulled over just short of the George Washington Bridge, and there it was: Filene's Basement! A sales associate directed me down the escalator to the dresses, and within a minute I had sunk my body into the plush racks of Elizabeth Arden wardrobe classics—name-brand clothing at just a fraction of the price.

Squeezing myself between the silk coordinates and the woven tops, I was kept upright by the force of the tightly packed clothing, enclosed in a comforting womb of bargain-priced fabric. The distinctive smell of unsullied rayon blends gave me a heady rush. I clutched my handbag instinctively and fell into a deep and satisfying slumber. I had found the bargain basement!

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