adBlockCheck

I'm Totally Gonna Get Laid On This Humanitarian Mission To Uganda

Top Headlines

Recent News

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I'm Totally Gonna Get Laid On This Humanitarian Mission To Uganda

In less than 72 hours, I'll be touching down in Kampala, on my way to the shores of Lake Victoria, aka poontang heaven.

My Peace Corps paperwork is all filled out, and my big transatlantic flight is only a few days away. Forget the boring office jobs and dead nightlife of suburban Schaumburg, Illinois, where the streets are empty by, like, 11 o'clock. Soon thereafter, a two-year dry spell will come to an end.

I've heard that Ugandan girls love Americans. Supposedly, the minute an American relief truck rolls into a refugee camp, they just start swarming all over it, like the friggin' Beatles just pulled into Shea Stadium. But I'm not really into that action, to be honest—most of the Ugandan women I've seen in the brochures are a tad too skinny for my taste. No worries: There'll be plenty of hot volunteers to choose from.

I can see it now: me, shirtless and sweating as I unload sacks of grain from the back of a truck. All of a sudden, there she is: dressed in a white tank top, jungle shorts, and boots—like Angelina Jolie in those Lara Croft movies. Her face aching with sympathy for the starving masses, she looks at my chest, gleaming in the brilliant Ugandan sun, and says, "Please. You must not allow yourself to become dehydrated, like the several million drought-afflicted children we are trying to save." Then she cracks open a cold one and we chug it together. One beer leads to another, and the next thing you know, we're watching the romantic Ugandan sun rise over the economically ravaged slumscapes.

I'm telling you, there's nothing like traveling to another country to bring out the adventurous side in chicks. They're alone in an unfamiliar setting, and they feel both vulnerable and brave.

I ought to know, too, because I've been there: I spent my junior year abroad in France. I was there two semesters, and I got laid three times. Pretty sweet. Well, one of those times I only got to third base, if you want to be technical. But that was in a European city with a stable government and high standard of living. Imagine how much hotter the passions will burn in a land where young children are forced to flee their rural villages at night and seek refuge in towns in order to avoid being kidnapped by commandos.

This is going to be awesome. The best part is, these ladies don't expect commitment. They know that this brief sojourn into a nightmarish hellhole will soon be nothing more than a romantic memory, a passionate encounter set against the backdrop of a U.N. Food Programme truck ambushed and set aflame in the middle of the night. In the morning, they'll take up their rucksacks and proceed to the next good-samaritan adventure.

But they'll never forget me. The catatonic faces of the motherless 11-year-old Ugandan sex slaves who constantly begged them for food will fade away, but mine will stay with them forever. Each girl will kiss me on the cheek, thank me for the unbelievable orgasms I rocked them with, and maybe even start crying. The morning sun glinting off the pile of tiny human skulls in the mass grave near our tent, I'll tell her, "Be strong, beautiful. We weren't meant to last, but we've lived a lifetime." And then she'll nod, because she'll see the wisdom in my words.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close