Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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In Order To Save The Whales, We Must Breed With Them

What is happening to the earth's whales? The humpback, once more than 1.5 million strong, now numbers fewer than 20,000. The minke whale, once free to swim the ocean's depths in all its smooth, streamlined glory, has seen its population decimated by commercial fishing in a generation. Since regulation and political pressure have failed to produce results, we have only one option left if there's any hope of saving the future of these massive, supple creatures: We must start breeding with them right away, and not stop until they're saved.

I am not naïve. I know this will be a long, sometimes painful, task. But it is a task we must undertake, no matter the complications inherent in extended periods of underwater copulation.

If we do nothing, we risk depriving our children of these magnificent beasts' tender embrace forever.

There is no longer room for excuses. I am proposing a widespread campaign to preserve the whale's precious habitats, rehabilitate their ecosystems, and titillate their enormous erogenous zones. Who among us can hear the whale sing without being moved by the timeless beauty of the wordless melody? Who can look into those eyes, filled with peace and wisdom, and not be aroused? It is time to consummate my long love affair with the whale in order to prevent its extinction.

I am more than prepared—even excited—to spring into action at a moment's notice to save the whale not only from Japanese poachers, but from the destructive forces of celibacy. The survival of the species, be it toothed or baleen, will be ensured as man and whale writhe together in the surf.

It is hard work finding a whale, let along trying to seduce it. But every worthy endeavor requires sacrifice. Yes, my day-and-night obsession with saving whales cost me my wife and family. But it shall all be worthwhile the first time I glide across the waves atop a gray whale, knowing that we share not only a common ancestry, but a simultaneous orgasm.

What, I ask, could be more satisfying than that?

My campaign to save the whales is a natural progression of my life's work. Wherever a species finds itself in danger, I am there to rescue it through raw, unadulterated fornication. Granted, not all of my efforts toward preserving diversity has been successful. Some say I even had a detrimental effect on the Karner butterfly populations of North America. But despite setbacks—such as my late but strenuous attempts to save the Elfin tree fern—I remain a determined conservationist.

If you want proof of the tonic effects my love can have, just look to the bald eagle: Once on the verge of destruction, they now soar from coast to coast. It is exhausting work, but once complete, you can roll over and fall asleep knowing you have done all that you possibly can.

The time to act is now, and preferably at dusk, when most whales are both disoriented and physiologically predisposed to sexual advances from a fellow mammal.

Still, I am only one man. I do not possess the time or physical stamina to save all the whales myself, as much as I may wish to do so. True, a few have heeded the call and forged deep bonds with the bowhead whale, the beluga, and, in a particularly tragic yet moving instance, the narwhal. But we can still do so much more.

If people could see how a mother blue whale cares for her young, or witness up close the gentle affection of two Baird's beaked whales, they would surely open their hearts, minds, and loins to these endangered and sensuous creatures. We must penetrate them not with harpoons, but with love. For, if there is one force capable of saving the whales, it is love. And I have an abundance of love for the whale.

But let us not dally in abstraction. As we debate, more whales are going to their pointless and cruel deaths. In order to ensure their preservation, it is necessary to take concrete, measurable, and drastic action, and make the beast with two backs and one fin.

We cannot wait for the world to wake up, nor can we wait for our government to construct a tasteful, discreet breeding ground. In fact, we cannot even wait for the aquarium to open in the morning, because I can feel the desire to save several whales growing within me now. I urge anyone who believes in the cause, and also owns a car and a crowbar, to contact me immediately.


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