In Order To Save The Whales, We Must Breed With Them

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

In Order To Save The Whales, We Must Breed With Them

What is happening to the earth's whales? The humpback, once more than 1.5 million strong, now numbers fewer than 20,000. The minke whale, once free to swim the ocean's depths in all its smooth, streamlined glory, has seen its population decimated by commercial fishing in a generation. Since regulation and political pressure have failed to produce results, we have only one option left if there's any hope of saving the future of these massive, supple creatures: We must start breeding with them right away, and not stop until they're saved.

I am not naïve. I know this will be a long, sometimes painful, task. But it is a task we must undertake, no matter the complications inherent in extended periods of underwater copulation.

If we do nothing, we risk depriving our children of these magnificent beasts' tender embrace forever.

There is no longer room for excuses. I am proposing a widespread campaign to preserve the whale's precious habitats, rehabilitate their ecosystems, and titillate their enormous erogenous zones. Who among us can hear the whale sing without being moved by the timeless beauty of the wordless melody? Who can look into those eyes, filled with peace and wisdom, and not be aroused? It is time to consummate my long love affair with the whale in order to prevent its extinction.

I am more than prepared—even excited—to spring into action at a moment's notice to save the whale not only from Japanese poachers, but from the destructive forces of celibacy. The survival of the species, be it toothed or baleen, will be ensured as man and whale writhe together in the surf.

It is hard work finding a whale, let along trying to seduce it. But every worthy endeavor requires sacrifice. Yes, my day-and-night obsession with saving whales cost me my wife and family. But it shall all be worthwhile the first time I glide across the waves atop a gray whale, knowing that we share not only a common ancestry, but a simultaneous orgasm.

What, I ask, could be more satisfying than that?

My campaign to save the whales is a natural progression of my life's work. Wherever a species finds itself in danger, I am there to rescue it through raw, unadulterated fornication. Granted, not all of my efforts toward preserving diversity has been successful. Some say I even had a detrimental effect on the Karner butterfly populations of North America. But despite setbacks—such as my late but strenuous attempts to save the Elfin tree fern—I remain a determined conservationist.

If you want proof of the tonic effects my love can have, just look to the bald eagle: Once on the verge of destruction, they now soar from coast to coast. It is exhausting work, but once complete, you can roll over and fall asleep knowing you have done all that you possibly can.

The time to act is now, and preferably at dusk, when most whales are both disoriented and physiologically predisposed to sexual advances from a fellow mammal.

Still, I am only one man. I do not possess the time or physical stamina to save all the whales myself, as much as I may wish to do so. True, a few have heeded the call and forged deep bonds with the bowhead whale, the beluga, and, in a particularly tragic yet moving instance, the narwhal. But we can still do so much more.

If people could see how a mother blue whale cares for her young, or witness up close the gentle affection of two Baird's beaked whales, they would surely open their hearts, minds, and loins to these endangered and sensuous creatures. We must penetrate them not with harpoons, but with love. For, if there is one force capable of saving the whales, it is love. And I have an abundance of love for the whale.

But let us not dally in abstraction. As we debate, more whales are going to their pointless and cruel deaths. In order to ensure their preservation, it is necessary to take concrete, measurable, and drastic action, and make the beast with two backs and one fin.

We cannot wait for the world to wake up, nor can we wait for our government to construct a tasteful, discreet breeding ground. In fact, we cannot even wait for the aquarium to open in the morning, because I can feel the desire to save several whales growing within me now. I urge anyone who believes in the cause, and also owns a car and a crowbar, to contact me immediately.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close