In Sex Sales, What You're Really Selling Is Yourself

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Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...
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In Sex Sales, What You're Really Selling Is Yourself

The younger women come to me nearly every day and ask, "Traci, what is your secret? How are you so successful, while I struggle every day just to make ends meet?" I smile, because I used to be like them: insecure and afraid. That was before I developed my patented Three-Point Plan™, the only sure-fire path to spectacular success. It starts with one simple lesson: In sex sales, what you're really selling is yourself.

Your prospective clients want to do more than just buy a service from you. They also want to buy your attitude, your style, your body. You are offering a service, but you are also offering yourself. What is really "up for sale" is you. Remember: Details matter, from the miniskirt to the perfume to the heels. You need to wear what makes you feel your best and also says to the customer, "I am a professional, sexy woman, and I'd like to spend part of the evening with you." When a man walks out of your motel room, he wants to feel like he's just fucked a hundred dollars.

The next point is just as important, but often forgotten: The customer always comes first. His needs and his desires must always come before yours, no matter what else is going on in your life. You can try to sell a man your body, but if you're preoccupied with thoughts about your own ego, your own fears, or the child you left home alone with the excuse that you were running out for cigarettes, you're not going to close the deal. If you're serious about success, you have to be focused on your prospect's needs at all times.

Remember this: Being sensitive to a client's needs sometimes means telling him what his needs are. He is paying for your expertise, so don't be afraid to take control of the situation if he seems to need guidance. Some customers, however, know exactly what they want. With those types, it's best just to listen. A little trick that has proved invaluable over the years is to repeat what the customer says. For example, if a man says, "I want to fuck you," I often repeat, more quietly, "Fuck me, yeah." This gives the buyer a sense of satisfaction. He is being listened to, and his needs are being met.

A customer can always tell if you are genuinely interested in satisfying him. Remember: A satisfied customer is a repeat customer. And repeat customers translate into less time on the street corner, more time in the bedroom, and more money in your pocket. It's not always easy, but I leave my troubles at the motel door. The more empty I'm feeling, the more pride I take in silencing my woe-is-me monologue and focusing on my customer's desires and the repetitive creaking of an old motel bed. There is a time for my own needs, but it is certainly not when I'm with a client.

Point Three is closely tied to customer satisfaction, and is the key to a long and prosperous career in the world's oldest profession. The best way to be financially secure is to rely on your personal contacts and connections. As a sex saleswoman, you are only worth as much as people are willing to pay for you. If you follow Points One and Two—that is, if you find customers, sell yourself to them, and make sure to satisfy each one—you'll end up with a strong client base, a network of valuable contacts in the business. That way, you don't need to fret if your pimp goes to jail, or if your corner gets busted by vice. No matter what, you'll be in business as long as your customers have your phone number.

Also, in sex sales, you need to learn how to take rejection professionally, not personally. When you approach trucks parked on a highway's frontage road and ask the drivers if they want to party, you're going to hear "no" a lot. But a good sex saleswoman understands that even the top sellers on the block get rejected more often than not. Even if you get rejected four times out of five, you were still able to sell yourself once successfully. And that one man, if you treat him right, will come back for repeat business, helping to ensure your financial future.

Now, let's review the Three-Point Plan. One: In sex sales, you're selling your whole self to a paying customer. Two: A customer's satisfaction must be your number one priority. And three: Good connections and contacts are the only way to judge your worth as a sex saleswoman, and to secure your financial future. Follow this simple plan, and you can be as phenomenally successful as I have been.