adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
End Of Section
  • More News

In This Family We Maintain The Ways Of The Old Suburb

If there is one constant in life, it is change. Everyone knows this, yet it comes so quickly that it can swallow you up and sweep you away without warning. But just as change can breathe new life, so too can it destroy all that we hold dear. I have seen it many times before, and I see it now in my own children. We must not sacrifice who we are. We must be vigilant. We must be strong.

Come, sit by the electric fireplace and let me tell you the ways of the old suburb.

Long ago, in the Time Before the Best Buy, before the interchange expanded to six lanes and brought travelers and their foreign customs from Piedmont and Parkwood and Oak Grove, in that time before, there were park-and-rides as far as the eye could see and only two traffic circles. Now there are things called Game Stops and massive sprawling Wawas that tempt and delight with warm fluorescence and the promise of snacks and convenience.

There is nothing wrong with convenience, my children—indeed, it is the reason our ancestors trekked to Pine Bluffs from a place far east of here, past Route 9 and four more exits beyond, lo so many years ago in 1987.

But how far is too far? Will this world around us become so convenient that we neglect the very fabric of our souls and DVR How I Met Your Mother to watch "when it's convenient" rather than together, Monday night, over microwaveable McCain Ellio's pepperoni pizza, as we have since time immemorial?

That is far too expensive a price to pay.

Perhaps you don't fully understand the gravity of my words. You see, if we don't work to preserve these traditions, we lose what makes us who we are. The Whitmans go to the Salty Dog's Miniature Golf Course and Batting Cages. They shop at the Super Wal-Mart on 119, not the one on Eastside Drive, and they are not enticed by the frappucinos at the Starbucks that just opened, because Oreo Blizzards from Dairy Queen are our lifeblood.

Look around you. Good things abound! It is the land of plenty of places to eat and shop, and it has given us much. The women of this family have spent countless hours at the local Safeway searching for fresh cereal and fish sticks while the men sat in traffic and listened to "Mike and Manny in the Morning." Just as our parents did before us, and as you will continue to do in the future, no matter how prevalent satellite radio becomes, or how many new Whole Foods sprout up like weeds where the Jo-Ann Fabric once was.

We are Whitmans, my child. Our needs are meager. Grant us a Domino's pizza and a two-liter of Coke and we will make do. We do not ask for more than we require.

Leave the ornate Hess stations that also serve Krispy Kreme doughnuts and make fancy displays of Fourth of July fireworks to those who dwell in Hillcrest Manner or Lincoln Heights. If not, we are destined to wander through Target and Costco, like ships without mooring. Like orphans without a name or identity or an Osco Drug discount card.

Now, let us break bread together with our elders, Nana and Grandpop, at Ruby Tuesday. For it is two-for-one night, and I hunger for a Bison Bacon Cheeseburger.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close