Infidel!

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Vol 35 Issue 37

Legislators Still Concerned About Key Non-Issues

WASHINGTON, DC—With Americans increasingly concerned about the Social Security crisis and nuclear threats abroad, a coalition of leading congressmen restated their long-standing commitment Monday to such non-issues as flag-burning, school prayer and Internet porn. "Make no mistake, Congress is still deeply committed to these inconsequential matters," Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) said. "As long as we are in office, we will continue to clog up the legislative process with this trivial dross." Hatch said citizens should feel free to e-mail his office with any other non-issues they feel are being overlooked.

Ritalin Gummis Unveiled

BASEL, SWITZERLAND—In what it is touting as "a fun, delicious new way to combat Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder," Ritalin manufacturer Novartis unveiled Ritalin Gummis Monday. "Good news, parents: Controlling your kids' wandering attention spans and erratic, impulsive behavior just got yummier," said Novartis director of product development Charles Bentley. "Available in five fruity flavors, Ritalin Gummis will soon be available at pharmacies and Brach's Pick-A-Mix displays everywhere." If the product is successful, Novartis rival Eli Lilly said it will likely move forward with a tart, sugary antidepressant tentatively dubbed "Paxil Stix."

Some Genius Juxtaposing Religious Iconography And Bodily Waste Yet Again

SAN FRANCISCO—The ultimate taboo was broken for the 856th time Monday, when the controversial art exhibit "Doo-Doo Messiah" opened at the San Francisco Museum Of Modern Art. The shocking series of sculptures and paintings, which, among other things, depict Jesus Christ enthusiastically eating St. Paul's feces and blessing himself with the urine of John the Baptist, has sparked outrage among Christian leaders, many of whom flew straight from the Brooklyn Museum Of Art's "Sensation" exhibit to begin work on protesting this latest shocking installation. "This is the most horrifying, blasphemous excuse for art I have ever witnessed again," said Father Theodore Dickey of the Archdiocese of Boston. "I have seen many excrement-Jesus sculptures, but this is easily one of the 20 worst." Pastor Joseph Annunciata of the Cincinnati League of Episcopalians was equally shocked, asking, "Why would they display such a thing in a place where decent Christians are going to see it when they come to protest it?"

I Am Tired Of These Constant Near-Death Experiences

Last night, as I so often do during my sleep, I dreamt of the lithe-limbed and frustratingly over-corseted Sophie Tucker. But midway through the dream, without warning, the lady-actress' enchanting features changed to the stern visage of German Chancellor Otto Von Bismarck!

It's Splitsville For Jacko!

Item! Megasuperduperstar Michael Jackson and his wife are calling it quits after five years of wedded bliss. No official word yet on the cause of the divorce, but rumor has it, the wife was frustrated over Jackson's refusal to let her appear in one of his music videos. Sounds like the same thing that tragically drove the Ricardos apart. Let's just hope there's no bitter custody battle over the animals. In times of divorce, the first priority should be to do what is best for the capybaras.

The New Reagan Biography

Edmund Morris' new Reagan biography, Dutch: A Memoir Of Ronald Reagan, is drawing fire for its use of fictionalized characters and events. What do you think of this controversial "biographical novel"?
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Infidel!

Bring forth the prisoners! I, Gorzo The Mighty, hereby decree that Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000, and his puny boy sidekick, Buddy Jeepers, are to be executed summarily, vaporized, and their space-particles scattered across the farthest reaches of the cosmos! I have spoken! But first, remove the bags covering their faces! Unmask the weak, insignificant prisoners, that I may spit in the face of these two foolish whelps who dare to call themselves "the galaxy's greatest heroes." I wish to force them to watch the destruction of the entire United-Earth Space-Army with a single blast from my Atomo-Ballistic Laser Cannon, so that they may die knowing the hideous depths of their failure!

What is this? What have you brought before my magnificence? These are two members of my elite Space-Hellion Assassin Force, wearing the clothing of Crash Comet and Buddy Jeepers! You fool! You have been tricked yet again! I see now I placed too much trust in a witless Thalurian walking-lizard!

But if my men are here, that means the hated Crash Comet is still loose in my palace! He must be apprehended before he reaches the Atomo-Ballistic Laser Cannon's command center, and my brilliant plans are unraveled! You! Idiot! Activate the Sonographic Projecto-vox System! If you do it this instant, I may consider delaying your execution.

Now hear this! The entire space-palace is hereby placed on Red Alert! All hands should be on the lookout for Crash Comet and his boy sidekick, Buddy Jeepers, disguised in Hellion Armor! Place the entire quadrant on lock-down and require identity confirmation before any man may pass!

But wait... I am ever forgetful that my arch-enemy Crash Comet has many weaknesses, chief among them his miserable human kindness. How convenient!

Attention, Crash Comet! I trust you are enjoying your stay at my magnificent palace. I would be most pleased to grant you an audience in my throne room, that we may... catch up on old times! Of course, should you deny me the pleasure of your company, I will be forced to find other ways to entertain myself. Say, by pointing the Atomo-Ballistic Laser Cannon at the planet Earth!

Fool, start the cannon's power supply. No, it may not destroy the whole planet, but perhaps we will get lucky. Just to be safe, I suggest you aim it at... Crash Comet's hometown of Heartland, Nebraska! Yes, I think that would do nicely.

Ah! Mr. Comet! How good of you to grace me with your presence. Come, get out of that cumbersome armor and make yourself more comfortable! I think you will find these titanium space-manacles much more to your liking. Yesss... yes!

Now, then! Although you are my mortal foe, I could be persuaded to spare your homeworld from its horrific fate and merely force its inhabitants to spend their lives slave-mining my precious Galactium in the caves of Zornax IV! But I would need some incentive to be so kind. Like, say, the code sequence to your vaunted Hyper-Yacht! I would be delighted to add your beloved Star Of Freedom III to my personal Space-Navy! So, unless you wish to see an Tiburon-sized crater dent your homeworld, reveal the code!

Ah, how good of you to come to your senses, Crash Comet. I suspected you would. I now merely need to dispatch a lackey to activate the craft and prepare it for my arrival. You! Fool! See that it is done, and do not fail me again!

How about that, Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000? Oh, how the tables have turned! I, Gorzo the Mighty, will finally attain rightful domain over the entire universe, as is only proper, given my unparalleled intellect and strength! We shall finally be rid of Spacedom's lesser species, with their pathetic and miserable notions of "love" and "goodness." Neh-heh! Neh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

What? What is this? The Space-Yacht is activated, but is being piloted toward... the Atomo-Ballistic Laser Cannon? Stop! You fool! What do you think you are doing? Stop this instant! You are opening fire on my magnificent Laser Cannon! Blood and bloody ashes, you were in league with Crash Comet all along! Infidel! I shall have you tortured for eternity by my robo-jailers!

Guards! Do not let Crash Comet escape in the confusion! Find him! A chest of precious star-stones for the man who brings me Crash Comet! And two chests for the man who brings me that treacherous Thalurian walking-lizard who betrayed my trust! Infidel!

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