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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Infidel!

Bring forth the prisoners! I, Gorzo The Mighty, hereby decree that Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000, and his puny boy sidekick, Buddy Jeepers, are to be executed summarily, vaporized, and their space-particles scattered across the farthest reaches of the cosmos! I have spoken! But first, remove the bags covering their faces! Unmask the weak, insignificant prisoners, that I may spit in the face of these two foolish whelps who dare to call themselves "the galaxy's greatest heroes." I wish to force them to watch the destruction of the entire United-Earth Space-Army with a single blast from my Atomo-Ballistic Laser Cannon, so that they may die knowing the hideous depths of their failure!

What is this? What have you brought before my magnificence? These are two members of my elite Space-Hellion Assassin Force, wearing the clothing of Crash Comet and Buddy Jeepers! You fool! You have been tricked yet again! I see now I placed too much trust in a witless Thalurian walking-lizard!

But if my men are here, that means the hated Crash Comet is still loose in my palace! He must be apprehended before he reaches the Atomo-Ballistic Laser Cannon's command center, and my brilliant plans are unraveled! You! Idiot! Activate the Sonographic Projecto-vox System! If you do it this instant, I may consider delaying your execution.

Now hear this! The entire space-palace is hereby placed on Red Alert! All hands should be on the lookout for Crash Comet and his boy sidekick, Buddy Jeepers, disguised in Hellion Armor! Place the entire quadrant on lock-down and require identity confirmation before any man may pass!

But wait... I am ever forgetful that my arch-enemy Crash Comet has many weaknesses, chief among them his miserable human kindness. How convenient!

Attention, Crash Comet! I trust you are enjoying your stay at my magnificent palace. I would be most pleased to grant you an audience in my throne room, that we may... catch up on old times! Of course, should you deny me the pleasure of your company, I will be forced to find other ways to entertain myself. Say, by pointing the Atomo-Ballistic Laser Cannon at the planet Earth!

Fool, start the cannon's power supply. No, it may not destroy the whole planet, but perhaps we will get lucky. Just to be safe, I suggest you aim it at... Crash Comet's hometown of Heartland, Nebraska! Yes, I think that would do nicely.

Ah! Mr. Comet! How good of you to grace me with your presence. Come, get out of that cumbersome armor and make yourself more comfortable! I think you will find these titanium space-manacles much more to your liking. Yesss... yes!

Now, then! Although you are my mortal foe, I could be persuaded to spare your homeworld from its horrific fate and merely force its inhabitants to spend their lives slave-mining my precious Galactium in the caves of Zornax IV! But I would need some incentive to be so kind. Like, say, the code sequence to your vaunted Hyper-Yacht! I would be delighted to add your beloved Star Of Freedom III to my personal Space-Navy! So, unless you wish to see an Tiburon-sized crater dent your homeworld, reveal the code!

Ah, how good of you to come to your senses, Crash Comet. I suspected you would. I now merely need to dispatch a lackey to activate the craft and prepare it for my arrival. You! Fool! See that it is done, and do not fail me again!

How about that, Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000? Oh, how the tables have turned! I, Gorzo the Mighty, will finally attain rightful domain over the entire universe, as is only proper, given my unparalleled intellect and strength! We shall finally be rid of Spacedom's lesser species, with their pathetic and miserable notions of "love" and "goodness." Neh-heh! Neh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

What? What is this? The Space-Yacht is activated, but is being piloted toward... the Atomo-Ballistic Laser Cannon? Stop! You fool! What do you think you are doing? Stop this instant! You are opening fire on my magnificent Laser Cannon! Blood and bloody ashes, you were in league with Crash Comet all along! Infidel! I shall have you tortured for eternity by my robo-jailers!

Guards! Do not let Crash Comet escape in the confusion! Find him! A chest of precious star-stones for the man who brings me Crash Comet! And two chests for the man who brings me that treacherous Thalurian walking-lizard who betrayed my trust! Infidel!

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