How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News


Is Opening Week Too Soon To See A 9/11 Movie?

Has enough time passed since we first witnessed the awful event of the United 93 trailer to confront the full-length movie of United 93 in its opening week?

April 4, 2006 was the day Americans learned about the existence of United 93 by viewing the new preview. And in that moment,  frozen in time, what had once seemed impossible—a filmed reenactment of the events of 9/11—became all too frighteningly real.

Millions of Americans went about their daily concerns that fateful day, unaware that our lives as movie-watchers were about to change forever. We would watch in terror on April 28, the film's release date, suspending our disbelief as best we could, unable to face the reality that a feature-length film about the terrorist attacks on America had indeed taken place before our eyes.

Are we ready to relive the most dramatized strike on American soil since the movie Pearl Harbor? Or will United 93 stir up the deep, unresolved feelings we've had bottled up for the last three weeks or so?

Maybe these questions would be easier for me to answer if I hadn't known one of the gaffers from the movie about that flight.

For me, opening week may prove to be too soon. I may have to wait till the second or third week of its release.

Yet we must remember the brave actors and actresses who boarded United 93's commercial-airliner set, whose artistic sacrifice ultimately cost them months of their lives, and ask ourselves what they would have wanted. Wouldn't they have wanted us to see the movie on the opening day? Wouldn't they have wanted this movie to have the highest possible first-weekend gross?

Director Paul Greengrass, for example, has been said to be suffering from post-production-stress disorder.

It could be argued that this is a time for all American moviegoers to come together and stand united in support of the filmmaking heroes who stood up when this project was greenlit and said, "Let's roll."

But for some of us, it would be easier to pretend its theatrical release had never happened and wait until United 93 makes its way to DVD in a couple of months.

Am I taking my freedom to see this movie for granted? After all, the men and women involved in this filmed catastrophe didn't have the choice to walk off the set. They were just extras in the tragedy, and exercising such freedom would have ended their careers then and there. 

It just goes to show you that life is precious, and that one never knows when one's last moments on camera will come.

Regardless of when or where I ultimately see this film, one thing remains certain: We live in a post-United 93 world now, and as American moviegoers it is our duty to remain vigilant in hopes of preventing these events, or a sequel to them, from ever happening again.

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close