Is There New Love for Tom Cruise?

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Vol 41 Issue 19

Upper-Middle-Class Man Vows To Never Forget Middle-Class Roots

ELMBROOK, WI—Although he earns a salary in the low six figures, 38-year-old investment banker David Monreal said he will always stay true to his middle-class upbringing. "When I was a kid, both of my parents held down jobs just to help pay for our split-level ranch home and two Chryslers," Monreal said. "Mom used to have a rule: no TV during supper. No matter how big my portfolio gets, I'll never forget that rule." Monreal said he hopes one day to take his kids to the office where their Grandpa Joe toiled selling insurance for up to 40 hours a week.

Poster Vandal Enters 'Phallus In Mouth' Period

OAKLAND, CA—According to experts at the American Folk Art Museum, the billboard and subway-poster defacer known only as "Suck It" has entered his "phallus in mouth" phase. "As you can see, the artist has moved from drawing larger breasts on the lingerie models to depicting erect penises entering their mouths," said art critic Graham Kern, gesturing to a vandalized Victoria's Secret poster. "His Sharpie phalluses offer a stark contrast to the colorful hues of the ad, with simple lines recalling Henri Matisse's nudes." Kern said he has not seen such energetic lines since the poster vandal's "blackened-in teeth" period.

Joy Sucked Out Of Room By Pumped-Up Manager

CHICAGO—Leo Burnett Advertising project manager Dirk Hazelton's show of enthusiasm drained the creative spirit from the conference room Monday. "Man, the country loves this cheddar! The country needs this cheddar!" said Hazelton to his creative team, pumping his fists in the air. "Come on and join in. We all grew up on cheddar! What do you think of when you think of cheddar? Let's get some ideas on the board." Members of the creative team responded with mortified silence.

Fear Factor Creator's Will: 'Heirs Must Eat My Ashes To Collect Inheritance'

LOS ANGELES—According to details of Fear Factor creator John de Mol's will released Monday, his heirs cannot collect their inheritance until they complete a battery of challenges. "I do bequeath my estate to my wife and children, henceforth 'you,' on the condition that you fully consume the ashes from my freshly cremated corpse," the creator's will read. "Should you be able to complete the task, you will receive $10 million and a Caribbean vacation. Fail, and you'll be eliminated from my benefactors—unless you spend one hour locked in a coffin filled with maggots." Comedian Joe Rogan will serve as the will's executor.

Senators Lured Back To Emergency Session By Promise Of Free Pizza

WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. senators from both parties, tired and eager to go home to their families after a hard day of legislation, were enticed back into the Senate chamber for an emergency budget session Tuesday by the promise of Little Caesars. "I know it's been a long day, but if you stay late, there's gonna be pizza," said Majority Whip Mitch McConnell at 9:30 p.m. "Don't tell [Senate Majority Leader Bill] Frist, but stick around, and I'll make sure you all get an extra order of Crazy Bread with sauce." The senators only relented when McConnell promised that if they hammered out the budget by 1 a.m., they could rent Glengarry Glen Ross and watch it in the hearing room.

Scientology Losing Ground To New Fictionology

LOS ANGELES—According to a report released Monday by the American Institute of Religions, the Church of Scientology, once one of the fastest-growing religious organizations in the U.S., is steadily losing members to the much newer religion Fictionology.

Horoscope for the week of May 11, 2005

After a grueling three-year investigation, the National Transportation Safety Board will rule that a faulty steering valve in your tail section caused your tragic crash into that shopping mall.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Personal Finance

Is There New Love for Tom Cruise?

Item! After I reported last time that Dawson's cutie Katie Holmes called it quits with her fiancé, I figured we wouldn't hear from her for a while. Color me wrong! The cutie has been snatched up by none other than Tom Cruise. Wow! Tom certainly did well for himself. Although some would say he's dating someone half his age, I wish them both a long and prosperous relationship. Let's hope there are kids in their future!

Item! The lines have already started forming for Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sirth. If I didn't have so many responsibilities, I might join them. Maybe if I got a Blackberry, I could file my reports from the line, but then there would be the whole bathroom issue. Besides, I need to be at my control center to keep up with the latest news. Maybe by the time George Lucas does the next sequel, I'll be part of the wireless age and I can wait in line in front of the theater with everyone else.

Maybe it's me, but there sure have been a lot of abductions lately. I think it's what they call a sign of the times.

You know who's a little acting spitfire? That Dakota Fanning. I've never seen such range on a kid her age. I don't mind "fanning" the flames, because she's going to catch on fire! She's only 11 years old, but if she can hold her own against the likes of Sean Penn and Robert DeNiro (and judging by Hide And Seek, the movie she was in with DeNiro, she can), she's got a long, Haley-Joel Osmond career ahead of her.

Item! Speaking of Mr. Penn, guess who's going down the I Am Sam road? After too long out of the spotlight, Rosie O'Donnel played a "special person" on a TV movie called My Sister On The Bus. Do I smell an Emmy? Believe me, the doubters are all going to have to sharpen their poison pens on someone else, because Rosie's performance was great, and not in the way you'd say that a special person did a great job. I only hope the movie comes out on DVD so I can watch it again.

Say what you will, but I think all these potholes have gotten out of hand. I know I always say there're two seasons—winter and construction—but I for one think it's about time we saw those road crews out there taking care of business!

Item! Things are really heating up on the American Idol front. First, it came out that contestant Bo Bise was arrested for cocaine possession. Then, he was arrested for marijuana possession. This isn't the '60s, Mr. Bise! Kids need positive role models. America has already been through one David Crosby. Then, we learned Scott Savol abused the mother of his daughter. Shame on you both! You should do the right thing and resign so we can get more contestants like squeaky-clean, upstanding Clay Aiken.

Oh, and I'm not even going to touch the whole Paula Abdul thing.

Item! In case you wanted to get a little "behind the scenes" with Brittney and Kevin, fret no more. The UPN, whose name is synonymous with quality, will air footage the couple shot themselves that shows the true depth of their love. I can hardly wait. That couple really needs a nickname. I'd like to put Kevney out there. Until someone comes up with a better one, I'm sticking to it.

With all the new fruits I can get at my local supermarket, you'd think I'd be able to get a new flavor of ice cream. Has ice-cream technology hit a wall? Breyers, get those scientists cracking!

Somewhere, someone in a casting office is thinking, "I gotta get Ving Rames for this project."

Item! Say goodbye to an old friend. After 10 years, JAG is finally closing up shop. And I only found out that JAG was short for "Judge's Advocate Group," and not Jaguar, a couple weeks ago! If CBS decides they need a new military potboiler, I've been knocking some ideas around the old Harvey dome. Here's a taste: a show about bomb-sniffing dogs. They can talk, but only to one another. I know it sounds cutesy, but the dogs would deal with real-life tragedies and joys. If you want to use the idea, give me a call. TV executives only!

I'm starting to have doubts about my cable package. Every time I want to watch a movie, I have to choose between Ghost (seen it 12 times) and Charlie's Angels 2: Fully Throttled (seven times). Come on, I love Patrick Swayze and/or Drew Berrymore as much as the next guy, but variety is the spice of life. Are you listening, HBO?

Well, that's it for the Scoop for now. I have some spring cleaning to do: I need to watch a stack of DVDs that has been piling up, so I can put them on the shelf in alphabetical order. Anyway, in my next column, I'll reveal definitively who the next Julia Roberts is, give you my summer movie-watching tips, and answer the question everyone wants to know: "Whatever happened to Lori Petty?" Until then, I'll grab some Goobers and see you... on The Outside!

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