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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Is There New Love for Tom Cruise?

Item! After I reported last time that Dawson's cutie Katie Holmes called it quits with her fiancé, I figured we wouldn't hear from her for a while. Color me wrong! The cutie has been snatched up by none other than Tom Cruise. Wow! Tom certainly did well for himself. Although some would say he's dating someone half his age, I wish them both a long and prosperous relationship. Let's hope there are kids in their future!

Item! The lines have already started forming for Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sirth. If I didn't have so many responsibilities, I might join them. Maybe if I got a Blackberry, I could file my reports from the line, but then there would be the whole bathroom issue. Besides, I need to be at my control center to keep up with the latest news. Maybe by the time George Lucas does the next sequel, I'll be part of the wireless age and I can wait in line in front of the theater with everyone else.

Maybe it's me, but there sure have been a lot of abductions lately. I think it's what they call a sign of the times.

You know who's a little acting spitfire? That Dakota Fanning. I've never seen such range on a kid her age. I don't mind "fanning" the flames, because she's going to catch on fire! She's only 11 years old, but if she can hold her own against the likes of Sean Penn and Robert DeNiro (and judging by Hide And Seek, the movie she was in with DeNiro, she can), she's got a long, Haley-Joel Osmond career ahead of her.

Item! Speaking of Mr. Penn, guess who's going down the I Am Sam road? After too long out of the spotlight, Rosie O'Donnel played a "special person" on a TV movie called My Sister On The Bus. Do I smell an Emmy? Believe me, the doubters are all going to have to sharpen their poison pens on someone else, because Rosie's performance was great, and not in the way you'd say that a special person did a great job. I only hope the movie comes out on DVD so I can watch it again.

Say what you will, but I think all these potholes have gotten out of hand. I know I always say there're two seasons—winter and construction—but I for one think it's about time we saw those road crews out there taking care of business!

Item! Things are really heating up on the American Idol front. First, it came out that contestant Bo Bise was arrested for cocaine possession. Then, he was arrested for marijuana possession. This isn't the '60s, Mr. Bise! Kids need positive role models. America has already been through one David Crosby. Then, we learned Scott Savol abused the mother of his daughter. Shame on you both! You should do the right thing and resign so we can get more contestants like squeaky-clean, upstanding Clay Aiken.

Oh, and I'm not even going to touch the whole Paula Abdul thing.

Item! In case you wanted to get a little "behind the scenes" with Brittney and Kevin, fret no more. The UPN, whose name is synonymous with quality, will air footage the couple shot themselves that shows the true depth of their love. I can hardly wait. That couple really needs a nickname. I'd like to put Kevney out there. Until someone comes up with a better one, I'm sticking to it.

With all the new fruits I can get at my local supermarket, you'd think I'd be able to get a new flavor of ice cream. Has ice-cream technology hit a wall? Breyers, get those scientists cracking!

Somewhere, someone in a casting office is thinking, "I gotta get Ving Rames for this project."

Item! Say goodbye to an old friend. After 10 years, JAG is finally closing up shop. And I only found out that JAG was short for "Judge's Advocate Group," and not Jaguar, a couple weeks ago! If CBS decides they need a new military potboiler, I've been knocking some ideas around the old Harvey dome. Here's a taste: a show about bomb-sniffing dogs. They can talk, but only to one another. I know it sounds cutesy, but the dogs would deal with real-life tragedies and joys. If you want to use the idea, give me a call. TV executives only!

I'm starting to have doubts about my cable package. Every time I want to watch a movie, I have to choose between Ghost (seen it 12 times) and Charlie's Angels 2: Fully Throttled (seven times). Come on, I love Patrick Swayze and/or Drew Berrymore as much as the next guy, but variety is the spice of life. Are you listening, HBO?

Well, that's it for the Scoop for now. I have some spring cleaning to do: I need to watch a stack of DVDs that has been piling up, so I can put them on the shelf in alphabetical order. Anyway, in my next column, I'll reveal definitively who the next Julia Roberts is, give you my summer movie-watching tips, and answer the question everyone wants to know: "Whatever happened to Lori Petty?" Until then, I'll grab some Goobers and see you... on The Outside!

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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