Is This A Garage Sale Or A Sick Joke?

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Vol 36 Issue 23

Roommate Never Seems To Leave Apartment

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA–Paul Shermer noted Monday that Ed Twilley, his roommate of eight months, appears to spend every moment of his life in the apartment shared by the two Charlottesville men. "Every time I come home, there he is on the couch," Shermer said. "I know he works for the state doing something, but he never seems to be at work when I'm home." Shermer said he is beginning to get creeped out.

Self-Described Avid Reader Halfway Through Dragonriders Of Pern For Sixth Time

ALLENTOWN, PA–"Serious bookworm" Angela Goodwin is reportedly halfway through her sixth reading of Anne McCaffrey's fantasy series The Dragonriders Of Pern. "I've read every book in Dragonriders at least three times," Goodwin said Monday. "I guess you could say it's just part of my love affair with the written word." Earlier this year, the "die-hard reader" also read 10 of Piers Anthony's Xanth novels in 15 days.

Area Man Gets In One Last Night Of Sex Before Breakup

HOUSTON–Anticipating an imminent break-up with girlfriend Mindy Huhn, Derek Haskell, 24, deliberately scheduled a final romantic evening Sunday for the purpose of intercourse. "I was planning to dump her this week, probably Wednesday, so I figured I should squeeze in one last go at it before then," Haskell said. "I especially wanted to because I don't have anyone lined up next, so who knows when I'll have sex again?" Haskell described the encounter as "pretty good."

83rd Birthday Party Stretches Definition Of Party

JACKSON, MI–An 83rd birthday party for Hilldale Nursing Home resident Abraham Porter stretched the definition of the word "party" Monday. "Yes, there was food and music and gifts and people gathered for the purpose of celebrating, so, technically, it was a party," said Lydia Marks, the ailing Porter's great-grand-niece. "But it felt like something else altogether." The highlight of the affair, Marks said, was when Porter recognized his only son.

Hair Dyed Back To Original Color

TULSA, OK–After three months as a redhead, area resident Natalie Rice dyed her hair back to its original brown Monday. "I decided I wanted to go natural," Rice said, "so I got a bottle of Clairol dark auburn and just went to town." Rice said it will probably take another two or three dye jobs to completely restore her natural brown coloration over the artificial red.

The Greatest Movie Ever Told

Hola amigos. Que pasa with you? Me, I've been pretty damn good. It's summer, my car is running, and the ladies are fine. Sometimes you can't ask for anything more. Well, ya can, like maybe to get laid by Pamela Anderson, but asking ain't a good idea, because you'll only jinx what you've already got.

My Summer Reading List

Another swampish July will soon be upon us, bringing with it the promise of sweltering heat, golden pitchers of ice-cold lemon-ade administered to me in enema-form, and the nightmarish prospect of sunlight which lasts until nine o'clock at night. Monstrous! When I was a lad, it was dark from five in the evening until noon the next day, and the July temperature never exceeded fifty degrees on Professor-Doktor Fahrenheit's scale. I am certain that the world is hurtling ever closer to the Sun, overbalanced as it is on one side by the overbreeding of the fecund Hindoo, but at present there is little I can do about it.

Wall Street And The Mob

Last week, the FBI arrested 120 members of New York crime families, breaking up a massive securities scam that combined old-school Mob violence with high-tech Internet fraud. What do you think of organized crime's foray into Wall Street?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Is This A Garage Sale Or A Sick Joke?

Just what exactly is going on here? The cardboard sign out front said "Garage Sale," so when I pulled up and parked, I naturally assumed that I would be attending a garage sale. But what I see in front of me is more like some kind of sick joke.

For starters, the children's clothing isn't even separated from the adult clothing. It's all jumbled together on the same rickety card table. What's more, the baby jumpers aren't even folded! This is absolutely obscene. Large items like exercise equipment, stop signs, and crutches are stacked against the wall in such a way that it's hard to tell what's for sale and what's simply being stored in the garage!

Then there's the utter lack of rhyme or reason to the display of smaller goods: Fisher Price playsets next to Sweet Valley High books, Water Piks next to latch-hook rugs, cast-iron cookware next to Herb Alpert records. Who would have the audacity to call this labyrinth of stained pot-holders, plastic Christmas-tree-shaped snack trays, and Betamax tapes a garage sale?

Is this poor excuse for a garage sale even real? My God, three dollars for this hot-air popcorn popper? The butter-melting cup isn't even attached anymore. Fifteen dollars for this rusted electric typewriter? Excuse my laughing fit. And this water-purifying system: Are you aware that the replacement filter cartridges are missing? If you are, there certainly is no masking-tape tag on the box indicating as much to a potential buyer.

I should have immediately been tipped off by the crudely hand-lettered "Garage Sale Today" signs all down Tokay Boulevard. They were needlessly decorated with balloons, as if anyone would be foolish enough to mistake that for a hallmark of a quality garage sale.

These people must have had some reason for luring unsuspecting motorists off Maple Street to come in and sift through this overpriced garbage. I can only imagine what evil scheme lies behind these wooden salad-bowl sets, hair crimpers, and GE tape recorders. Can you believe there's not even a "free" box? Old plastic yogurt containers and glass jars without lids–obvious candidates for such a box–are marked five or even ten cents. Am I hallucinating, or is that a stringless yo-yo for sale over there?

In my 44 years on this Earth, I've never seen such a vulgar display. It might be conceivable that someone would consider this picked-over selection of damaged goods acceptable for public display, had this so-called garage sale been in its final hours. But to find out that today was the first day, well, I don't know if I'm more shocked or saddened.

Finally, there's the small matter of your display of Avon Skin-So-Soft hand lotion next to the cash box. Were this garage sale just a ruse to lure customers in to buy beauty products at retail price, that's more than a mere breach of garage-sale etiquette. That's downright evil.

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