adBlockCheck

Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
End Of Section
  • More News

Is This A Garage Sale Or A Sick Joke?

Just what exactly is going on here? The cardboard sign out front said "Garage Sale," so when I pulled up and parked, I naturally assumed that I would be attending a garage sale. But what I see in front of me is more like some kind of sick joke.

For starters, the children's clothing isn't even separated from the adult clothing. It's all jumbled together on the same rickety card table. What's more, the baby jumpers aren't even folded! This is absolutely obscene. Large items like exercise equipment, stop signs, and crutches are stacked against the wall in such a way that it's hard to tell what's for sale and what's simply being stored in the garage!

Then there's the utter lack of rhyme or reason to the display of smaller goods: Fisher Price playsets next to Sweet Valley High books, Water Piks next to latch-hook rugs, cast-iron cookware next to Herb Alpert records. Who would have the audacity to call this labyrinth of stained pot-holders, plastic Christmas-tree-shaped snack trays, and Betamax tapes a garage sale?

Is this poor excuse for a garage sale even real? My God, three dollars for this hot-air popcorn popper? The butter-melting cup isn't even attached anymore. Fifteen dollars for this rusted electric typewriter? Excuse my laughing fit. And this water-purifying system: Are you aware that the replacement filter cartridges are missing? If you are, there certainly is no masking-tape tag on the box indicating as much to a potential buyer.

I should have immediately been tipped off by the crudely hand-lettered "Garage Sale Today" signs all down Tokay Boulevard. They were needlessly decorated with balloons, as if anyone would be foolish enough to mistake that for a hallmark of a quality garage sale.

These people must have had some reason for luring unsuspecting motorists off Maple Street to come in and sift through this overpriced garbage. I can only imagine what evil scheme lies behind these wooden salad-bowl sets, hair crimpers, and GE tape recorders. Can you believe there's not even a "free" box? Old plastic yogurt containers and glass jars without lids–obvious candidates for such a box–are marked five or even ten cents. Am I hallucinating, or is that a stringless yo-yo for sale over there?

In my 44 years on this Earth, I've never seen such a vulgar display. It might be conceivable that someone would consider this picked-over selection of damaged goods acceptable for public display, had this so-called garage sale been in its final hours. But to find out that today was the first day, well, I don't know if I'm more shocked or saddened.

Finally, there's the small matter of your display of Avon Skin-So-Soft hand lotion next to the cash box. Were this garage sale just a ruse to lure customers in to buy beauty products at retail price, that's more than a mere breach of garage-sale etiquette. That's downright evil.

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close