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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Is This The Mattress Showroom From The Commercial?

Someone pinch me. Harder! Am I mistaken, or is this the mattress showroom made famous on all those TV commercials? If I stand right here and I turn my head from left to right, it should be just like I'm the camera in the "Memorial Day Spectacular" spot. Oh my God, it is! This is it. I'm really actually standing in the largest mattress showroom in the quad-county area.

So this is where all the magic happens.

I bet most people never get to see behind the scenes of a high-profile mattress wholesaler and factory outlet. Although I've got to admit, this showroom looks a lot smaller in person. I'm surprised that they can hold the state's largest selection of mattresses and sleeper sofas in a space this size, but I guess it makes the feat even more impressive.

Look at the fluorescent lighting, the carpets, the decorations, the signs on the headboards here. Man, there's got to be at least 20 years of commercial history within these walls, from St. Patrick's Day blowouts to Thanksgiving Day closeouts. There's a $599 price tag, just like the one good old Don the Mattress King tore to pieces in the "Attack of the Price Slasher" spot in 1999. And I knew those trucks in the parking lot looked familiar from somewhere, but it just hit me: They starred in the "Free Delivery Fridays" promotion all through the summer of 2005!

Isn't that the mattress from the Independence Day "Independence from High Mattress Prices Sale" commercial? The one where the owner's children bounced on the bed dressed like the Statue of Liberty and Uncle Sam? Those kids probably have no idea now, but they are going to look back in a decade and realize just how lucky they were. Imagine spending your childhood hanging out in the real live mattress showroom that's advertised on television every single day.

Oooooh! This is new. I haven't seen these streamers on the ads before. Unless—oh my God—are they shooting a commercial right now? That would make my life. Everyone back home would absolutely lose it if I told them I saw a mattress showroom commercial being filmed up close. I'm sure I'd be telling that story to everyone I met until the day I died. But I don't see any cameras or anyone in any costumes, so I guess I jumped the gun. Too bad. I should have known they'd wait until after hours to film a commercial so they don't get all sorts of oddballs in the background.

Man, it'd be such a thrill to be one of the guys lying on a mattress in one of the commercials. They must be professional actors, though, to keep up with the Mattress King.

Wait—is he here? Is Don the Mattress King actually here, practically giving away mattresses? Yes! There he is. Wow. I am such a big fan, but I don't want to bother him. He's probably being approached by fans all the time. I don't want to be one of those guys—but when am I going to get another chance?

Mr. Garbelli! I'm sorry to disturb you while you're selling such a high volume of mattresses, but I am a huge fan of you and all your work. I've seen every commercial you've made ever since you were the sponsor of "Queen Ghoulie's Late Night Fright Film" back in the '80s. I've always looked up to you, and I think my girlfriend's got a little crush on you. It's a dream come true to finally meet you.

What? Oh. Well, I'm actually not in the market for any new bedding right now. I know you advise people not to come to the warehouse unless they're ready for the deal of their lives, but I'm actually pretty happy with my current mattress. But can I get a picture with you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey look, buddy, just because I already have a decent mattress doesn't mean you have to be a dick.

Man. That guy used to be so cool. I guess all the fame must've gone to his head.

More from this section

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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