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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Is This The Mattress Showroom From The Commercial?

Someone pinch me. Harder! Am I mistaken, or is this the mattress showroom made famous on all those TV commercials? If I stand right here and I turn my head from left to right, it should be just like I'm the camera in the "Memorial Day Spectacular" spot. Oh my God, it is! This is it. I'm really actually standing in the largest mattress showroom in the quad-county area.

So this is where all the magic happens.

I bet most people never get to see behind the scenes of a high-profile mattress wholesaler and factory outlet. Although I've got to admit, this showroom looks a lot smaller in person. I'm surprised that they can hold the state's largest selection of mattresses and sleeper sofas in a space this size, but I guess it makes the feat even more impressive.

Look at the fluorescent lighting, the carpets, the decorations, the signs on the headboards here. Man, there's got to be at least 20 years of commercial history within these walls, from St. Patrick's Day blowouts to Thanksgiving Day closeouts. There's a $599 price tag, just like the one good old Don the Mattress King tore to pieces in the "Attack of the Price Slasher" spot in 1999. And I knew those trucks in the parking lot looked familiar from somewhere, but it just hit me: They starred in the "Free Delivery Fridays" promotion all through the summer of 2005!

Isn't that the mattress from the Independence Day "Independence from High Mattress Prices Sale" commercial? The one where the owner's children bounced on the bed dressed like the Statue of Liberty and Uncle Sam? Those kids probably have no idea now, but they are going to look back in a decade and realize just how lucky they were. Imagine spending your childhood hanging out in the real live mattress showroom that's advertised on television every single day.

Oooooh! This is new. I haven't seen these streamers on the ads before. Unless—oh my God—are they shooting a commercial right now? That would make my life. Everyone back home would absolutely lose it if I told them I saw a mattress showroom commercial being filmed up close. I'm sure I'd be telling that story to everyone I met until the day I died. But I don't see any cameras or anyone in any costumes, so I guess I jumped the gun. Too bad. I should have known they'd wait until after hours to film a commercial so they don't get all sorts of oddballs in the background.

Man, it'd be such a thrill to be one of the guys lying on a mattress in one of the commercials. They must be professional actors, though, to keep up with the Mattress King.

Wait—is he here? Is Don the Mattress King actually here, practically giving away mattresses? Yes! There he is. Wow. I am such a big fan, but I don't want to bother him. He's probably being approached by fans all the time. I don't want to be one of those guys—but when am I going to get another chance?

Mr. Garbelli! I'm sorry to disturb you while you're selling such a high volume of mattresses, but I am a huge fan of you and all your work. I've seen every commercial you've made ever since you were the sponsor of "Queen Ghoulie's Late Night Fright Film" back in the '80s. I've always looked up to you, and I think my girlfriend's got a little crush on you. It's a dream come true to finally meet you.

What? Oh. Well, I'm actually not in the market for any new bedding right now. I know you advise people not to come to the warehouse unless they're ready for the deal of their lives, but I'm actually pretty happy with my current mattress. But can I get a picture with you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey look, buddy, just because I already have a decent mattress doesn't mean you have to be a dick.

Man. That guy used to be so cool. I guess all the fame must've gone to his head.

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