Is This The Mattress Showroom From The Commercial?

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45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.
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Is This The Mattress Showroom From The Commercial?

Someone pinch me. Harder! Am I mistaken, or is this the mattress showroom made famous on all those TV commercials? If I stand right here and I turn my head from left to right, it should be just like I'm the camera in the "Memorial Day Spectacular" spot. Oh my God, it is! This is it. I'm really actually standing in the largest mattress showroom in the quad-county area.

So this is where all the magic happens.

I bet most people never get to see behind the scenes of a high-profile mattress wholesaler and factory outlet. Although I've got to admit, this showroom looks a lot smaller in person. I'm surprised that they can hold the state's largest selection of mattresses and sleeper sofas in a space this size, but I guess it makes the feat even more impressive.

Look at the fluorescent lighting, the carpets, the decorations, the signs on the headboards here. Man, there's got to be at least 20 years of commercial history within these walls, from St. Patrick's Day blowouts to Thanksgiving Day closeouts. There's a $599 price tag, just like the one good old Don the Mattress King tore to pieces in the "Attack of the Price Slasher" spot in 1999. And I knew those trucks in the parking lot looked familiar from somewhere, but it just hit me: They starred in the "Free Delivery Fridays" promotion all through the summer of 2005!

Isn't that the mattress from the Independence Day "Independence from High Mattress Prices Sale" commercial? The one where the owner's children bounced on the bed dressed like the Statue of Liberty and Uncle Sam? Those kids probably have no idea now, but they are going to look back in a decade and realize just how lucky they were. Imagine spending your childhood hanging out in the real live mattress showroom that's advertised on television every single day.

Oooooh! This is new. I haven't seen these streamers on the ads before. Unless—oh my God—are they shooting a commercial right now? That would make my life. Everyone back home would absolutely lose it if I told them I saw a mattress showroom commercial being filmed up close. I'm sure I'd be telling that story to everyone I met until the day I died. But I don't see any cameras or anyone in any costumes, so I guess I jumped the gun. Too bad. I should have known they'd wait until after hours to film a commercial so they don't get all sorts of oddballs in the background.

Man, it'd be such a thrill to be one of the guys lying on a mattress in one of the commercials. They must be professional actors, though, to keep up with the Mattress King.

Wait—is he here? Is Don the Mattress King actually here, practically giving away mattresses? Yes! There he is. Wow. I am such a big fan, but I don't want to bother him. He's probably being approached by fans all the time. I don't want to be one of those guys—but when am I going to get another chance?

Mr. Garbelli! I'm sorry to disturb you while you're selling such a high volume of mattresses, but I am a huge fan of you and all your work. I've seen every commercial you've made ever since you were the sponsor of "Queen Ghoulie's Late Night Fright Film" back in the '80s. I've always looked up to you, and I think my girlfriend's got a little crush on you. It's a dream come true to finally meet you.

What? Oh. Well, I'm actually not in the market for any new bedding right now. I know you advise people not to come to the warehouse unless they're ready for the deal of their lives, but I'm actually pretty happy with my current mattress. But can I get a picture with you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey look, buddy, just because I already have a decent mattress doesn't mean you have to be a dick.

Man. That guy used to be so cool. I guess all the fame must've gone to his head.