It Is My Hope That I Will Be Remembered As A Great Man

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Vol 35 Issue 42

'Very Special' Constitutional Amendment To Take On Alcoholism

WASHINGTON, DC—At 8 p.m. EST next Monday, C-SPAN will air "an important episode no family will want to miss," in which Congress is expected to pass a "very special" constitutional amendment dealing with the touchy issue of alcoholism. The amendment—inspired by the true story of a promising young hockey player whose dreams of a pro career died when his weekend partying spun out of control—will show the shattering effect alcohol has on drinkers and their loved ones, and will end with a toll-free number where victims can get help. "We're used to having a lot of fun with our amendments," said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL). "But once in a while, an issue touches us so deeply, we decide to draft an amendment with a message." If passed, the amendment will be available on video in time for the holiday season.

Neglect Of Wife, Children Results In Promotion

NEWARK, NJ—Six years of familial neglect netted longtime Prudential Insurance employee Walt Arness a major promotion to national vice-president of accounting Monday. "Well done, Walt," Prudential CEO Art Ryan said. "For six years, while other employees were busy getting out of work early to see their kids' soccer games and spending Saturdays with their wives, you were tirelessly dedicating yourself to this company. And for that, you will be handsomely rewarded." As part of his new job, Arness will spend 25 weeks a year on the road, supervising accounting operations in Prudential offices across the U.S.

King Ralph Fails To Become Hip Retro Reference

NEW YORK—According to trendwatchers and pop-culture analysts, the 1991 John Goodman comedy King Ralph has failed to emerge as a humorous retro reference. "Despite the lameness and strong kitsch potential of this film, King Ralph is not being sarcastically referenced by wisecracking 18- to 29-year-olds," said Zeitgeist magazine editor Adam D'Amico. "No one is saying things like, 'That guy who owns Sony must be richer than King Ralph,' or, 'Did you hear about Zach's new job? He totally got himself King Ralphed."

Orrin Hatch Mistakenly Left Dangling In Bondage-Fetish Dungeon

WASHINGTON, DC–U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) declined to answer reporters' questions Monday after a congressional aide discovered him naked and dangling from a ceiling-mounted leather restraining harness in a D.C.-area bondage-fetish dungeon. "Sen. Hatch didn't show up for work, so I went looking for him at an address I saw written down on a scrap of paper on his desk," Hatch aide Alex Gordon said. "Through a massive oak door, I could hear a desperate voice pleading for a 'Mistress Domina' to come back and release him. When I opened the door, I saw the senator, looking exhausted and wearing only a dog collar and nipple clamps." Hatch was brought to Bethesda Naval Hospital, where he was treated for dehydration and third-degree wax burns to his scrotal sac.

Child Unimpressed With Aurora Borealis After Whole Day Of Tekken 3

INTERNATIONAL FALLS, MN—A wide-eyed gaze of childlike wonderment over the incomprehensible majesty of creation was not elicited Monday, when 7-year-old Kenny Meier, son of local high-school science teacher Stan Meier, was unmoved by the Aurora Borealis after spending an estimated 12 hours playing Tekken 3.

Banning ATM Fees

On Nov. 2, voters in San Francisco and Santa Monica approved ordinances banning banks from charging ATM fees to non-customers. In response, several banks in the cities blocked non-customers from using their cash machines. What do you think?
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It Is My Hope That I Will Be Remembered As A Great Man

As the 18th century draws to a close, as do my days on this earth, I cannot help but wonder how I will be remembered by those who come after me. Not just here in the Port of Sandwich, but in the many lands over which the British flag proudly flies.

Though it may be immodest of me to say, it is my dearest hope that I, the Fourth Earl of Sandwich, shall be remembered as a great man by all. I long to know what will be foremost in the everyman's thoughts when he hears the name Sandwich. Will it be my Lordship of the Admiralty? Or my able and devoted service as Secretary of State? Either is a fair guess, I believe.

Yet, part of me suspects that it will be an object that is destined to bear my name for eternity, just as people now have begun to refer to a metal stove as a Franklin, after its inventor. Other men, as well, have been so honoured, and I must note that none of these other so-called great men represented England at the Breda Conference negotiations.

There, now I am thinking! Perhaps it will be treaties that will come to be known for eternity as Sandwiches. Great leaders of countries will say, "Let us enact a Sandwich, that our two nations shall cease to be enemies. By the terms of this most sacred and honorable Sandwich, let us have peace in our great lands." That would be a most fitting tribute to me, considering my tireless contributions to the treaty of Aix-la-Chapelle in 1748.

Or will it be for my love of travel and discovery that the name Sandwich takes its rightful place in the annals of history? Yea verily, it is true that the most esteemed Captain James Cook, whom I personally outfitted and dispatched on an around-the-world voyage, has already named a set of small islands in the Pacific Ocean on my behalf. Ten years ago, he did thrust a pole into the ground and declare, "This land would make a perfect Sandwich, and so it is!"

Yet, I can hardly believe that my tribute will end at the shores of that trifling rocky stand. Dare I say, I can feel in my breast that my tribute will be greater still.

Do you believe it will be my great wit that will be recollected in association with my name? Perhaps a bon mot will come to be known as a Sandwich, and educated men will toss Sandwiches at each other from across the supping table, each endeavoring to come up with a better Sandwich than the last man.

Ah, wait! At last, I have come upon the answer! It will be my broad knowledge of the seven seas and all the lands under the sun that will inspire my designation. Maps are destined to bear the name Sandwich. Yea, I have decided that such an honour is what it will surely be! In every town, there shall be a shop devoted solely to the sale of Sandwiches. Indeed, and the boldest explorers and most erudite scholars will have the walls of their homes covered with Sandwiches, as well.

This is all very good, I say, for I have determined how I shall be forever recalled! Now please, servant, bring to me some hanks of salted beef and place them between two rounds of bread, so that I might continue my work of reminiscing here at my desk without the bother of a full table setting.

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