It Is Not A Wonderful Life

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Vol 34 Issue 20

Gus Van Sant Prepares Shot-For-Shot Teen Wolf Remake

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Promising a "stunning re-creation of an American film classic," director Gus Van Sant announced Monday he will execute a shot-for-shot remake of the 1985 film Teen Wolf. In the new version, Jonathan Taylor Thomas will reprise the role made famous by Michael J. Fox, playing Scott Howard, a Nebraska high-schooler who leads his basketball team to victory after transforming into a werewolf. Jennifer Love Hewitt co-stars as "Boof." Van Sant said he is "leaving open the possibility" of re-filming the 1987 sequel Teen Wolf Too.

Cretinous Reprobate Home For The Holidays

MONTPELIER, VT—Mark Wilens, a 41-year-old cretinous reprobate who relocated to California six years ago, is back home in Vermont for the holidays, it was reported Monday. "The pudding is on the table, the fire is roaring, and Mark is here with his family," said Lila Wilens, mother of the unctuous, deceitful shit. "Hopefully, we'll get a chance to go caroling while he's home, on one of the days when he's not hanging out by the Catholic school with his binoculars." The filthy pig last spent Christmas with his loved ones in 1995.

Pregnant Woman Killed In Propecia-Handling Incident

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Investigators are citing "broken Propecia tablet-handling" as the cause of Monday's death of San Antonio resident Nancy Ivey. According to reports, Ronald Ivey returned home from work at 5:20 p.m. to find his pregnant wife's charred remains on the kitchen floor near an open bottle of his Propecia hair-regrowth medication. A subsequent autopsy revealed that a broken tablet had been "handled in a reckless and cavalier manner" by the woman. "This senseless tragedy could have easily been averted," a shaken San Antonio police chief Derrick Rudd said. "I beg you, please help spread the word: Women who are or may be pregnant must not use Propecia or handle broken tablets."

Desperate Wheel Of Fortune Receives Approval To Use Swear Words

BURBANK, CA—Desperate for new phrases, Sony Pictures' Wheel Of Fortune received special permission from the FCC Monday to use word puzzles containing objectionable language. "Twenty-three years of daily broadcasts have depleted us of every last familiar, non-offensive phrase," Wheel Of Fortune producer Robert Reynolds said. "I mean, last night we were doing puzzles like 'Pyrrhic Victory' and 'More To Be Pitied Than Censured,' and nobody could guess them." Beginning next week, the program will feature such phrases as "Balls To The Wall," "Dick-Slapped," "Titty Fuck," "On The Rag," "Greasy Wop" and "Fucked Eight Ways From Sunday." The popular show will also introduce such profanity-laced "Before & After" puzzles as "What A Crock Of Shit For Brains."

Checks For Gun Buyers

Earlier this month, a new system of instant FBI background checks on gun buyers went into effect. The system, which takes the place of a five-day waiting period, is being challenged in court by the NRA as an invasion of privacy. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

It Is Not A Wonderful Life

Another miserable year on this dismal rock has come and gone. As for myself, this was one of the worst years I've ever experienced. It was right up there with 1892 and 1921. Among the events of this hateful year: I tried in vain to run away from my estate; I was horrifyingly suckled by a wet-nurse; I received not a single application for my official-mistress position; I was stalked by assassins; and I was assaulted, on separate occasions, by a lowly mule and an automatic enema-dispensing machine. What's more, my hated rival William Randolph Hearst continues to draw breath.

There is some-thing else, how-ever, that really sticks in my craw. As everyone knows, I am the richest man in the state, and I own virtually all the property in the village that cringes in the valley below my mountain-top estate. I am also the president and majority stock-holder of the village bank, which has a virtual strangle-hold on the meager finances of the impoverished villagers. I charge such exorbitant interest that the debtor is beholden to me to the grave, and, after his demise, his family must shoulder the remaining debt.

There's a building-and-loan in the village, too, but it has only a fraction of the assets of the bank, and it's always a mere whisper away from insolvency.

Yet, to my great dismay, it somehow manages to stay afloat. If I could just find a way to break this miserable building-and-loan, my conquest would be complete!

There is a soft under-belly of the organization, Uncle Billy, an absent-minded relative of the head-strong young executive secretary who manages it. He's always misplacing important items of business. One day, one of my goons at the bank managed to snatch a large bundle of cash Uncle Billy had laid down, and brought it back to my estate. And all on the same day the bank examiner paid a surprise visit to the building-and-loan!

Well, I thought this would spell the ruin of the building-and-loan once and for all. The next day, how-ever, Standish informed me that all the villagers had banded together and raised enough money to replace the lost bundle. That young executive secretary must lead a charmed life, or perhaps he has some omnipotent guardian angel.

You can see what kind of a year it has been for me. I should just give up. I would ask Father Christ-mas to bring me a big sack of death, but I am certain I wouldn't get it anyway.

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